Radio Nottingham this morning broadcast a report from a Mr Rich Sodd, financial analyst with Money, Bags, & Snotts auditors of Nottingham.
In the programme, Sodd declared that: "Nottingham has not been affected so detrimentally with the Government cutbacks, increased prices in of food, fuel, commodities and VAT, as many other areas of the country.
Our Nottingham Spoof Gazette reporter, Dense Inchcock, went out onto the streets of the City Centre to get the opinions of the local folk.
His made his first port of call the JCP (Job Centre Plus) building on Parliament Street. He crossed the road onto the nub-end, beer can, and phlegm strewn pavement, where stood a group of beer-swilling, tattooed youths in front of the JCP. Dense approached the tallest and ugliest of the group, a nose ringed, chained leather coated teenager of about 20 years of age, and began to question him for his views:
"Good morning, I'm from the Spoof Gazette, and wondered how the Government cutbacks has affected you and your mates?"
"I'm from the Spoof Gazette, and wondered how the Government cutbacks has affected you?"
As the group began to surround him, sneering, finger-gesticulating, and making grunting noises, Dense thought it best to move away from the gentlemen in question.
Dense moved to the Station Street JCP, where he found a much smaller bloblet of benefit seekers in front of the premises, sat on the low wall, drinking lager, smoking, and begging the passers by with a threatening tone. As he neared their locality, two or three of stood up, offering Dense a look of suspicion and hatred!
"Morning, I'm from the Spoof Gazette, and wondered if you'd like to tell the readers how the Government cutbacks has affected you?"
"Are yo frum the police?"
"No no, I'm a reporter!"
"Are yo frum the *ucking JCP then?"
"No, not at all.."
The lad with home made designer splits in his jeans interrupted abruptly: "Well shit off out of it, yer short bald, fat git!" At this the group started to get restless, and picked up their empty lager bottles, and stared intensely at Dense, having the effect of scaring and intimidating our ageing reporter sufficiently to make him make up his mind to again retreat, with urgency and haste, to try and find some Nottingham subjects of a less violent disposition, if he could.
He moved into the Broad Marsh Shopping Centre, and approached some people sat resting imbibing a coffee or tea, as they recovered from their shopping exertions.
He asked a lady, with several shopping bags resting by her seat, and chewing on a cream doughnut, how she had been affected by the cuts etc.
"Well" she replied, "Hubby works for the Council in a very important job, something to do with organising men in lorries, and I know it has affected him a lot... do you know he's had to lay off 156 of his men in the refuge department - a terrible experience for him." She thought for a moment, then continued, "Do you know, I'm sure it reduced the pleasure for him the other night at the opera!" She finished of the cake. "Cutbacks you say...?"
Dense moved on to the next bench of seats, to talk to a man and woman, who had obviously been shopping at Dixons, judging by the selection of items in their trolley, SatNav, DVD player, diamond Ipod, Cable box, Bang & Olufsen Mobile phones, and accessories.
He asked their views. The man answered "Oh yer, strugglin' like 'ell now, lost me job again last month, it ain't nice yer know - but its the kids I feel sorry fur!"
His wife chipped in, "Do they like it, how we manage with the six kids I don't know!"
Hubby, "Bimey is that the time" looking at his Rolex watch, "Come on Ada, got to sign on - see yer mate" as he and Ada rushed off down the mall.
Dense moved around the corner to near the Poundland shop, and spoke with some students, asking them the same question.
"I'm taking a degree course" said one sweet looking angelic girl, "It's bad enough with them making us have to pay for our education, but if the fuel prices keep rising, I may have to get rid of the Land Rover too, not good enough is it?"
A flabbergasted Dense was thinking of a reply, when another student chipped in with his pennyworth, "When I came here from Chile, I didn't realise I'd get such a cold reception..." then burst into laughter, and was distraught when he realised no one else was joining in.
Dense moved out of the centre, and up passed the ram-raided boarded up jewellery store, the buskers row, taking a detour at the top to avoid the bedlam where police were trying without a lot of luck, to get some unwilling shoplifters into the police-van, and then he turned up passing some wino's spewing up, towards the Slab Square again. Here he saw some people leaving the outdoor international food fair, and thought he'd interview them, as they seemed to be from outside the Nottingham area, to try and get a balanced view.
"Good morning, I'm Dense Inchcock from the Spoof Gazette, and I wondering if you would like to express your views on the current economic situation, and the measures being taken to counter the depression?"
The gentleman replied: "Rydym yn dod i Loegr i helpu eich economi, trist sut rydych wedi dirywio!"
After his walkabout, Dense typed these spoken words into Goggle Translator, it came up with Welsh - 'We come to England to help your economy, sad how you have declined!"
"Thank you kindly" said the confused Dense as he walked off, avoiding the well trodden blob of kebab and lager inspired regurgitated mess drying nearby.
As he walked by the vandalised 'Crime - together we can beat it!' poster, Dense spotted an elderly flat capped chap limping along with his half filled 'Pound Shop' carrier bag, and adjusting his hearing aids. Perhaps he thought, an opportunity for a sensible understandable comment at last. Dense positioned himself in front of the chap to enable him to see his lips, ans said, "Good morning, I'm from the Spoof Gazette, and wondered how the Government cutbacks has affected you?"
"Good morning, I'm Dense Inchcock, I'm from the Spoof Gazette, and wondered how the Government cutbacks have affected you?"
The old feller chewed his lips for a moment, his brow furrowed, twirled his unkempt moustache, then said:
"A good question young man, I rather think though, that there are more important things to ask about. You do realise that the world will run out of food, water, and possibly air in a few years, we have world wide crooked politicians, religions dedicated to the destruction of other religions, global warming, melting ice caps, rampant aids, and wars galore on the planet? But in answer to your question, I've had to get rid of the car, I cannot afford to pay my electricity bill, I already eat on the cheapest of food available, the only time I go out is to the hospital, doctors, shopping, or to take the bin out! It's the youngsters I feel sorry for, those who are not members of rich nepotistic families are doomed, at least I have had a chance to make a mess of my life, and I have, with the utmost proficiency... have you any other questions?"
"Er...no" said Dense, "Thank you... have you ever thought of becoming a Spoof contributor?"
"I am one!"
"Cheers, thanks again!"
Dense returned to his office (front room), and collated his report... confused!"