Following my appointment to the job as the new Communications Director at No 10 David Cameron asked me to come to a one to one session with him.
Here's the result.
OK Jim Womble what's your view on my performances at Question Time?
You sound like a self satisfied public school bully.
Really? So how should I improve?
Praise Ed Miliband.
Now, come on!
That would make all his opponents on his front bench quite mad.
You should also use the phrase 'There's a great deal in what you say'. It doesn't mean you agree with anything he has said but it will create a different image for you.
You want to get away from the nasty party so be nice.
You may have something there. Any other thoughts. There's a great deal in what you say.
Brilliant! Another one that infuriates is 'I hear what you say'. So what? You're not deaf but you know he's talking balls.
OK that reminds be how should I deal with Ed Balls?
You know he's the one you should fear. It needs care dealing with him. The obvious one is to remind everyone of Gordon Brown but that's too obvious.
So - what should I do?
Ignore him. Use 'I hear what you say' but make everyone realise he's as nasty as you can be. People don't like nasty people whatever they say.
I'm glad you're not advising him!
Well. If he comes up with the cash.