Los Angeles, January 23, 2011. On Thursday, the Parents Television Council issued a warning about the Viacom/MTV series Skins. It concluded: "Skins may well be the most dangerous television show for children that we have ever seen."
I rushed right over to the PTC office to interview two of its Board members, Neon J. Vile, Chairman, and Wanky H. Borker, Token Female. When I was shown in, both were standing behind Mr. Vile's desk adjusting their clothing. They looked sheepish but managed to exclaim, "Welcome and praise the Lord!" Then they sat down.
I asked them to describe Skins. Ms. Borker shot up again and shouted, "We don't watch that filth!" To that Mr. Vile ejaculated, "Damn friggin' straight!"
I reminded them that their media release indicated they'd seen at least some of Skins. After calming down, Mr. Vile clarified. "Not us. We leave the viewing to our more arousable board members, like Smarmy Barmy and L. Burnt Bozo XVI. We just fabricate the news releases."
"I understand," I assured them. "And Skins is a tough series. To take one scene, though: will seeing a naked 17-year-old running down a street cause American youth to do the same? I mean, if teens see someone playing a violin, do they go out and buy one?"
It was Ms. Borker's turn. "Look," she said, smacking her lips as if she'd just swallowed something. "That whole series is a real boner --- I mean bone of contention with us. It's a hard on for everybody --- I mean hard on everybody, because it shows behavior we don't want to imitate."
"So you're the ones attracted to streaking?" I asked. "To be honest," Mr. Vile explained, "we pray daily to Ronald Raygun to be caught with our pants down --- I mean not to be caught with our pants down around this. Skins is just so vulvar --- I mean vulgar. People dressed less than head to toe must not exist until they're joined in holy matrimony according to the Patriot Act and our hero George Whacker Bush."
"And even then," added a scowling Ms. Borker, "it's disgusting." She closed her eyes and started praying quietly.
I decided to change the subject completely. "What do you think about the phenomenon of sexting?"
Mr. Vile was quick to answer. "Children cause child pornography. They're illegal." He smiled and added, "Lock them all up and take away their clothes and..."
"Please, Neon," Ms. Borker interrupted, eyes still shut. "We don't want to answer too thoroughly." She continued praying.
"What about airport full-body scanners?" I asked. "Women and children first," Mr. Vile replied. "We have all their scanned images fed directly to this office. Our Loose Balls board member Bat Poon likes to view them too."
I returned to the subject of television. "I believe you said Janet Jackson did a striptease on TV. I must have missed that."
Mr. Vile became agitated; his hands seemed to be tugging at something under his desk. Ms. Borker's eyes popped open and she spoke loudly. "That was Viacommie again! If you don't think seeing that ho's unmentionable in the distance for 9/16 of a second is a striptease, you haven't read your Bible."
Mr. Vile then jumped up so high from his chair that I could see the zipper on his pants was open. "That Super Bowl!" he screamed. "The striptease by that Jesse Jackson! In the land of the fee and the home of the knave!"
His face started turning red. "Gun ownership is sacred! Jesus said so in plain English! Hallelujah, my buddy Rail Dauberson and his Pee Tarty!"
When I heard Ms. Borker tell him, "Don't retreat, reload," I felt I'd better escape. After I rushed out of the room, the door slammed shut. I heard loud laughter amidst gunshots, then shouts about getting clothes off that I couldn't quite hear.
It certainly was a revealing interview. Sadly, it had become clear that the Parents Television Council was missing more than an apostrophe. Please, folks, give generously in support of the intolerably self-righteous. "Because our children are watching."