A shocking report released by the Home Office today reveals the extent at which the police have become targets of a foreign gang, specializing in stealing people's faces.
The gang, believed to be from somewhere in the Balkans, have been linked to a recent spate of distraction robberies, in which Officers have had their faces stolen whilst attending calls.
An unnamed secret service agent agreed to talk, whom I will refer to as X. This is what he had to say to our new reporter Masheded.
How is this possible:
"The gang seem to have acquired some kind of advanced face recognition technology, probably stolen during the collapse of the old soviet union. This was something the KGB were known to have had in development, but details of the final stages have always been very sketchy. We think the reason it was never used in covert warfare was because it was incompatible with flash player. Now with the release of the new generation iPhones, this kind of weapon is becoming much more available to these break-away organisations."
What can be done:
"We aren't even sure exactly how they're doing this. The general consensus is that it's got something to do with flash player, but experts on this are very few, and mostly catatonic. It's my belief, if we take the DNA of every citizens in the UK, and listen to all of the phone calls, something could be done."
"We've already had reports of disturbing repercussions of this kind of crime, and similar ones to it. Officers have returned home, only to find themselves in the cells, because their family didn't recognize them. Other crimes have been linked to officers by CCTV, which we know could not have been committed by them, due to them having been either logging onto face book at the time, or drinking tea in the canteen. (few officers admitted to being in court at the time)
"Its just a case of appealing to the public. This kind of thing isn't really detected at the station, and we don't real know unless somebody from the public calls us, normally the victims family."
"The police service tries not to really pay much attention to itself, and has little interest in any kind of audit, even one involving missing faces. Intelligence suggests this is why they have been deemed such a soft target."
"Of course, everybody knows that emergency service staff get discounts for paint-balling and laser quasar. We're working on the theory that it's an Anti Islamist group from Monte Negro, trying to establish terrorists training grounds in Wiltshire, but we just can't be sure. There's a chance its linked to the Jill Dando case, whose identity may have been stolen at the height of the Balkans war, for use later in opposition to BBC propaganda. It's possible the technology was in its early stages then, and operatives shot her so she couldn't reveal details of the "alleged" face theft."
"Normal law abiding folk could be at risk if this isn't controlled. I mean, the idea of criminals being disguised as a police officer's really makes me quiver. They could infiltrate all kinds of sensitive buildings, I mean, whose going to say no to a copper? People just don't realise that police officers have faces too, and if they don't, something could be wrong.
But then again, everything could be fine."