Written by Asheville Jack
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Kanha National Park, India - Superpol, the international politician with the mysterious shape shifting abilities and a superhuman ego too boot (but sadly saddled with the intelligence of an wicker basket) nonetheless stopped a crazed and rampaging rogue bull elephant deep in the heart of India today.

The rogue bull seemed bent on destroying a hospital that is home to dozens of blind orphan children. The elephant, estimated by villagers to weigh as much as 9,000 pounds, was said to have became enraged when Superpol threw the putrid carcass of a dead Langur monkey in the direction of the elephant after it wandered into the view of the news cameras.

According to local tribal elders Indian elephants are notorious for becoming offended when hit with the putrid body of dead Langur monkeys. Elephants consider the act a personal insult, a deed so dastardly appalling that it violates every aspect of the law of the jungle. Such an insult, the elders knew, could not go unanswered in the elephant world without a total loss of face.

It should be noted that Superpol is not new to finding himself in strange and dangerous circumstances. It was just last year while fishing with Russia Prime Vladimir Putin in the wilds of Siberia that Putin found it necessary to shoot and killed an endangered five hundred pound Siberian Tiger after Superpol shape shifted into the likeness of a deer.

Later Superpol would say that he transformed himself into a deer in the hopes of 'sneaking up' on the fish. Now Superpol found himself once again face to face with death. This time however, things were different. This time no one nearby was armed. India, as it turns out, does not trust international politicians with weapons.

Superpol, it should be noted, in what was meant to be a humble gesture of kinship with the local tribe, was wearing the traditional Indian Lungi, a brightly colored silk skirt tied at the waist. He had been invited by the local governor to speak at the dedication of a new political science lab for dumb mutes at the hospital.

For this occasion he had morphed into the appearance of a toned, tanned and shirtless virile man before the assembled press. Noticing a dead Langur monkey nearby Superpol picked it up and launched it at the elephant where it landed with a squishy thump along side the massive head of the quietly grazing bull.

The rogue bull, appearing quite astonished as the dead monkey landed at it's feet, let out a mighty trumpet call. This was war it seemed to be saying, and at once took off in the direction of Superpol and the children assembled nearby in honor of the visiting politician.

Quickly sizing up the situation and sensing that there was not a second to lose, and perhaps also sensing the nearby news cameras, Superpol immediately sprung into action. In a flash he removed his lungi and standing naked in front of the enraged bull elephant he waved the material at his side like a skilled bull fighter, hoping to lure the disgraced beast away from the innocent children who surely would have been killed to the last innocent blind orphan child if not for the toned and tanned Superpol.

And it worked! The massive elephant changed directions at the last instant, away from the children. But now the charging monster was headed straight for Superpol, and mesmerized by the majestic sight of an 9,000 pound charging bull elephant Superpol was unable to move, even an inch in any direction.

And so it was that in a mere blinking of an eye that Superpol found himself impaled clean through and half way up the length of a seven foot ivory spear. The mad bull, having apparently satisfied its lust for revenge now found itself unable to halt its own lumbering charge and slammed head long into a large Banyan tree, with the tusk upon which Superpol was suspended impaled in the ebony wood.

It was at this moment that those nearest to Superpol distinctly heard him mutter the infamous politicians mantra, "Well, that didn't seem to work out as well as I planned."

In the bright mid day sun Superpol's body seemed to undulate and heave for several seconds. Would the stress from being run-through by a massive bull elephant and then finding himself crushed against a tree be enough to finally reveal Superpol's true identity to the world?

But as Superpol's brain slowly started to grasp the dire situation, suspended as he was on the horns of a real dilemma, he knew that his super human ego was not quite ready to give up the fight. Not yet.

And like all great politicians who might find themselves impaled clean through halfway up the tusk of a rogue Indian elephant, Superpol came up with a plan, such as it was. With a mighty heave he spun himself around on the axis of the tusk until he was upside down, facing the belly of the beast. Quickly removing his sandals, the last two items he was wearing, he threw them with all his strength, one after the other, at the only thing dangling underneath the bull elephant he knew would cause the elephant pain.

And it worked! The elephant, eyes crossed now in exquisite pain, emitted a low guttural grunt, a sound that seemed to Superpol to be a cross between the mournful yowl of an American Coyote and the launch of an intercontinental ballistic missile, reverberating as it grew louder and louder through the forest, frightening both man and beast alike, but mainly the blind orphan children. The huge bull now did the only thing it could do. It collapsed upon its hind legs, and if elephants had hands it certainly would have put them to good use then and there grasping the source of its pain.

Fortunately for Superpol it was at this very moment, as the elephant sank to its knees that the ivory tusk embedded in the Banyan tree snapped in two, dropping the dangling Superpol hard on his head.

With a large part of the tusk still protruding from his back as he lay naked on the ground and with the beast writhing in pain helplessly mere feet away a nurse from the children's hospital rushed over to help. But once again Superpol thought he knew exactly what needed to be done. Cameras were still rolling. Action was called for!

Dragging himself and a three foot section of the tusk along with him slowly across the rocky ground over to a nearby stream, Superpol searched frantically for a solution to being run through by the elephant.

Reaching out he snatched a plastic Coke bottle from the water which he had discarded only moments earlier. With his other hand he pulled up small reeds from the bank of the stream. If only, he thought, he could gnaw on the plastic bottle and fashion it in to a primitive needle he could use the reeds as sutures. He could pull out the tusk and then sew himself up.

It was only then that another thought slowly started forming in the back of his brain. "Wait a minute here," he said out loud, "I'm Superpol, the world famous shape shifting politician, a man for whom reality means nothing." With that he raised himself up into a sitting position. Grasping the tusk with both hands he yanked it out from his chest. Mere seconds later he held the tusk high above his head in triumph. Glancing down at his chest he knew that the hole would be gone - he was whole again!

It was at this very moment, as Superpol bathed in the internal glow of a job well done and the external warmth of the camera lights, that the bull elephant started to regain his senses. The pain in it's loins had diminished and was being replaced with a growing ache in it's skull.

"Good God," Superpol said out loud, "I hope the son-of-a-bitch doesn't realize he's missing a tusk!" It was at that very moment, as the elephant struggled to rise to it's full height, everyone, including Superpol, knew that the real battle was just about to start

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

74 readers are online right now!

Go to top