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Sunday, 16 January 2011

image for Shylock Humes: The Hound of the Basketvills. part 1 Lady Basketville

Shylock Humes, the worlds greatest detective, stopped his Landau outside the imposing mansion. He climed down and heard a squelch. A small man, resembling Quasimodo, stepped to Shylocks side. "It's der dogs, sird".

"They must be Great Danes", said Shylock, as he scrapped a mound of dog shit from his boot.

"Noo serd, dey is constipated Yorkshire terriers, I'm Graves serd, der butlins, kin I take yu bags?".

"Thank you, Graves, please be careful with the small case".

"Where wud you like me to take yu bags?". Asked Graves.

"Into the house would be a good start". Replied Shylock.

"Very weld, sir, follow me".

Shylock was shown into the lobby of Basketville Mansion, a grand entrance with white marble flooring, oak stained MDF panelling, and a chandalier the size of a hot air balloon.

Graves set down the bags; "Please followed me serd, Lord Basketville is in his study". Shylock followed.

Both men entered the study, Lord Basketville was standing looking out of the window, he turned to greet Shylock.

"Arrgh! The very man himself! how are you Shylock?"

Shylock went over and shook Lord Basketvilles hand.

"I'm very well sir, what a pleasure to see you again, I trust you, and Lady Basketville are in good health?"

"We are fine old man, would you like a drink?"

"Yes please", Answered Shylock.

"Graves, please take off Mr Humes hat and coat"

"Very well serd" Said Graves.

"What have I told you about wearing our guests clothes!"

"Sorry serd", said Graves, as he removed the hat and coat.

"Whisky?" enquired Lord Basketville.

"Thank you" answered Shylock, "I see you have a hard on".

Startled, Lord Basketville took a step back. "My god! Is it that obvious dear fellow?"

As Shylock was about to answer, the door flung open, and in walked Lady Basketville. "Oh Mr Humes! How wonderful to see you, did you have a good journey?"

"Thank you, Lady Basketville, I did, and it is always a pleasure seeing you, and Lord Basketville"

Lady Basketville turned to her husband. "Darling, you have your hard on again! Then to Shylock. "Oh, Mr Humes, he has not had a hard on for some time".

"Yes" replied Shylock, "I did notice the moment I came into the study, it stuck out a mile, only the best Saville Row tailors, Hard Bros, can make a jacket like that".

"Well I never!" Shouted Lord Basketville. "You knew straight away, theres a fine detective if ever I met one".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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