Michael Douglas, 66, claimed today that he has beaten his throat cancer and the related tumor has disappeared? The superstar actor, producer, writer and master skirt chaser appeared onThe Today Show with Matt Lauer to visit about his comeback from the deadly disease.
The star looked healthy, tanned and not a day over 75 years old. Although he seemed happy that the cancer scare was apparently behind him, he was not without his complaints as this exchange between Michael and Matt would indicate:
Matt: "Michael you look GREAT! and I'm so glad you decided to announce your success beating cancer with me Matt Lauer"
Michael: "You know I'm glad I could help you out with that Matt, but even though that cancer bullshit (bleeped on air) has mysteriously disappeared I'm not ready to play 'hot box' if you know what I mean?"
Matt: "No I'm not sure I do know what you mean Michael. Are you talking about a sauna or hot bath or sunbathing?"
Michael: "I'm talking about 'knocking boots' you dolt. You know 'getting solid', 'pounding the porpoise', 'rocking her world' you know what I mean. [Matt is nodding at this point]
Matt: "So what's the problem with your little 'one-eyed soldier'?
Michael: "The drugs completely killed it. I feel nothing down there. It's like a skin tag that urinates like a dripping faucet. And you know my wife is hot enough to make a dead man raise his sail. So I told the doctors if I gotta shuffle around watching my wife get down with another guy then stop the freaking meds! I mean even Larry King can get the job done."
Matt: "Oh yeah - Larry is a freaking savage in the rack is what I've heard. Well maybe it isn't the meds maybe it's your age. You're what 79-80 years old?"
Michael: "I'm fucking (bleeped on the air) 66 you smug bastard!(bleeped on air) It's gotta be the meds"
Matt: "Well what else are you having trouble doing? Is walking up stairs difficult? Squeezing the lid on a jar of olives impossible? Do you sit down to pee? Do you go to bed at 7 pm and get up like at 4 am? When given a choice of peanut butter or apple butter do you pick apple butter?
Michael: "Yeah all those things sound familiar... FUCK (bleeped on air) I am old! Why didn't those sons a bitches (not bleeped curiously) let me DIE!"