Birds have been attempting suicide for years if not centuries, but have had difficulties due to their ability to fly. They jumped off the highest cliffs, only to end up flying. They followed humans off of buildings only to get a birds eye view of the human bouncing off the pavement.
"I felt so depressed," stated Robin who was one ugly f-ing bird. "I would jump at the same time as the human but my wings kept getting in the way. No matter how hard I tried, I would take off flying."
We had to wait a moment while Robin wiped the tears from her eye's.
"With my birds eye view, I would watch the human franticly trying to fly but their wings appeared to have no feathers. It just ainght fair. I wanted so bad to be splattered right next to them."
"Ya, it really is. Also many birds had resorted to following bugs into car windshields."
"Birds hitting cars are suicidal?"
"They sure are, it works great some times." Robin stated. "But if you don't get up enough speed you only bounce off and lay in agony along side of the road."
Once again we waited for her to wipe her tears.
"The cars are so unpredictable. I would spend hours shitting on a car in hopes of pissing it off, but it would never move."
Robin went on to describe other failures.
"We where doing a good job at the airports. Those big planes were great at taking out whole flocks of us, but then they started letting off loud booms around the airports. Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on an approaching plane only to get startled by those booms and miss the plane!"
"So what about the findings of large bird kills across the world. How is that happening?"
"O' well I'm really not suppose to tell because of the panic and conspiracy theories humans are starting. It's our way of saying f--- u humans for all the problems you caused us. Our bird brain leaders are trying to get humans to turn on each other by blaming their leaders for secret test that will kill off each other. But actually all they do is fly into a large lightning storm, hold each others wings and sing a song or two while they wait for the big one."
"Wow, that is pretty cool!"
"Ya it is… hey is that your car?"
This reporter had to end the interview after catching Robin doing a fly over and crapping on my freshly washed car.
So there you have it. Birds with tiny brains are suicidal!