Written by Jean Le Fete
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Thursday, 6 January 2011

image for Born to Spoof Sequel Chapter 13: Get Thee To A Nunnery! Or The Laughing Buddah Laughs Last! Get Thee To A Nunnery!

Somewhere in the bowels of a medieval nunnery...

"There, there now Marsha is a lovely name, so much better than Mark."

"But you don't understand sister Margo, I'm not cut out to be a nun, I'm an....I'm an..."

"Yes, go on my child.."

"I'm an evil internet Spoof magazine editor! There, now you know. I'm very powerful back in London you know, they all fear me."

"Oh my dear, you must not talk so, they just don't know you, who is it that fears you?"

"The bloody writers! Bitches and Bastards all of them!"

Gasping, "Sister Marsha, you must cross yourself at once, those kinds of words cannot be spoken here. Besides you have a very special task now, one that should make you very happy."

"What is that blighter Margo?"

"Sister Margo, my dear...well it is my job to teach you what your new tasks are, you have been brought here in service to the convent. You shall stay in this bed and provide the oral..."

Caous and mayhem, loud cathedral bells all drowned out the sister. A loud explosion rocks the building and causes a large cloud of dust, rock and mortar to fall on Mark and Margo from above just as sister Margo was raising her hem up her monstrous thigh.

"Uhhmmm sounds quite interesting!" said Mark getting out of bed, "But I really think we should check on what's going on here, don't you sister?"

***

The ants were quick to their work and wasted no time sinking their pinchers into the human Spoofer flesh.

"I'll never eat another drop of honey long as I live," said Charpa bravely trying not to flinch. Below them the Queen Gerbil seemed to now be aware of their presence and was making loud smacking and slobbering noises in her mouth.

"Sorry mates, the little bastards are invading a very private place," said Skoob, "Lets just say they seem partial sphinctor lightening! Arrrgggh!!!" Skoobs movements caused the spinning blade to make first contact with their rope, the only thing holding them safely above the Mother Gerbil.

"Too bad Skoob," said Number 3, "I thought you'd be the tough one."

"Oh buggar off Carina," said Masterchev, "You use to be a damn good writer before Mark got to you."

Jean watched her eyes with a keen curiosity for any sign of a reaction. Did she make eye contact? Just a small glint of hope? But then there seemed to be nothing.

"Farewell my darlings," said #3, come on girls they're nearly done, no need for us to see all of the gore." With that she led the clones out.

"I've got an idea," said Morse. Aware that they were now alone.

"Bloody well open to anything old chap," strained Skoob.

"See that little window about six feet below us to the right of the stye?

"The one shaped like a pig?" asked Jean

"Aye! The very one, fits right in with the pig stye motif," said Charpa.

"Great now if we just had some little pig shaped doilies I'd die happy. What hell is your idea!" asked Masterchev a bit testily.

"A bit testy are we?" asked Morse with mock concern, "That window old chap is still high enough to be out of reach of the royal pig bitch down there. So we swing on the rope and into the blade and hope like hell it breaks at the right moment to carry us through the window."

"Is that all you got?" said a voice.

"Well I know that it isn't very high on certainty, but...who the hell is that?"

"Sounded like an Indian version of J.O." said Morse.

"This honey is pretty good, I know a deity or two I could try this on. Oh well guess I'll help rescue you lot first. Pathetic really I was about to pour several gallons of strawberries and sherbert on a young thing when I had a twinge. Damned conscience!"

"J.O.!" yelled the spoofers in near unison as they looked up to see J.O. hanging upside down with his legs from the rafters.

"Yes well your damned lucky I've turned into a clairvoyant here in the past few hours. Also seems I now have some other special powers. Now mind you I've always been able to fill the average room with natural gas if the need or desire came to me, but now I can literally fire it like a flame thrower out one fore finger. Watch this!"

J.O. Pointed at the Queen Gerbil and fired a long stream of flame at her, setting her ablaze. J.O. watched in amazement for several minutes, while the Spoofers became more and more frantic about their own situation with a fraying rope.

"Wow, smells like chicken don't it?" asked J.O

"J.O." yelled Skoob, "That's a good 20 foot drop to the stye, can you maybe lower us down from the place they tied the rope off old chap, then I'd be glad to find ye some barbecue sauce."

"Ohhhh! Yes of course old spam, I'd be glad too," replied J.O. as he let go with his legs and floated gently to the ground. He undid the rope and let it go, but pointed his hands at it causing it to slowly lower his friends to the ground next to the smoking stye.

Untied they were all thanking J.O. profusely when #3 re-entered the doorway.

"J.O. you bastard where the hell did you come from?"

"Same place you're headed to my dear, its very hot even in winter. Now be a good little clone and run and get me a draft."

"You killed my gerbil, NOBODY kills my gerbil and gets away with it!!!" Screamed #3 in full fury.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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