Written by Dr. Anomalous
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Wednesday, 23 August 2006

image for Top 3 iPod Accessories Missing from the Market What the hell is this thing?

The iPod has so many accessories and extraneous add-ons going for it, it’s becoming laughable. I’ve even seen a specialized sock with which to carry the player, proudly being advertised on Apple’s own site, no less. I do feel, however, that there are a few ideas which Apple should seriously consider looking into, for both the benefit of the listener and the company. So I’ve penned out a few of these thoughts, and tried to imagine what kinds of troubles or difficulties Apple might have with them down the line. I don’t really feel that any of these ideas are out of the realm of possibility; they are things that I’ve often thought would help catalyze Apple’s plan for world domination. I may come up with more later on, should the inspiration come me by, but for now, here’s what I’ve got:


iFeelFunny – The iPod, first and foremost, has always been about music. The ease with which you can navigate the music and the sexiness of the overall package are what made the iPod popular, but it’s always been about the listening experience. Well, the iFeelFunny takes this experience one step further; it will actually pleasure you as you listen! For all those barhopping sex demons out there, this is the accessory for you. With new technology that can actually measure the rate at which testosterone is flowing throughout your body, the iFeelFunny will respond accordingly – not only will it pick a song to suit your mood, but it will also vibrate at a corresponding pace, maximizing blood flow to the fallace (note: if you’re a girl, the iFF will not have this same effect on you. Unless you’re Felicity Huffman, in which case such a response would be expected). For example, if you’re feeling particularly daring and ready for a daytime quickie, the iFF might choose Jet Pilot by System of a Down. At the same time, the device will start buzzing spastically, until you feel your genitalia may actually dislodge from your body. Or, if you’re feeling romantic and ready to spoon by the moon, the iFeelFunny might put on Never, Never Gonna Give You Up, by Barry White. A slow, Shiatsu-like vibration will make the hair on your neck stand on end, and give you the consistent pleasuring that a human partner could never offer. And unlike a real partner, the iFeelFunny can go all night without a single recharge! With this little bugger in between your legs, you’ll never feel lonely again!


iPromote – God knows Apple is in serious need of some heavy marketing. Unfortunately, nowadays, it seems like you can’t take two steps without running into the Burger King pedophile on a billboard, or a couple bullfrogs croaking their praise for alcohol. With such fierce competition for promotion space, it seems like one of the best ways to spread knowledge of a product is through word of mouth. This is why Apple has devised the iPromote.

Essentially a voice recognition device which can be fit seamlessly to the iPod, for every time you say “Apple” in a conversation, one free 50 Cent song will be sent directly to your personal player! Apple hopes to increase awareness of their oft-belittled MP3 player by encouraging discussion about it, and they’re carrying through with the idea in the form of 50’s slurred self-aggrandizement.

Of course, there are drawbacks to the idea. How can the voice recognition device tell if you’re actually using the word “Apple” in conversation or not? What’s to keep you from repeating Apple 50 times really fast in one minute for free songs? When asked about this in a recent interview, Apple expressed no concern. “We were definitely conscious of this potential exploitation,” Steve Jobs replied. “But in the end, we decided to stick with the idea. After all, when you buy a 50 Cent album, you’re essentially buying 15 of the same song. Our guess is no one will notice the difference after they’ve been sent ‘In Da Club’ for the 36th time.”


iDump – Have you ever been listening to a song on your iPod when, all of a sudden, you really have to take a crap? I know I have! If you’re like me, and thousands of others who struggle with haphazard bowels, then you’ll probably know that you usually don’t have time to turn off the player before going into the facilities to take off a load. So not only do you have to deal with the burden of relieving yourself, but you have to do so knowing the battery in your iPod is diminishing with frightening rapidity. Well, no longer. By placing a padded vacuum over your poop chute, the iDump sucks the crap babies right out of you, and leaves no mess behind. But what’s more is that doing so will compound your iPod’s battery life! Using its patented Turd2BHeard technology, Apple has managed to convert all your excretions into fresh battery life, so your battery should never die out. And if it does, I’d advise you to see a doctor.

Unfortunately, as imagined, this device is not for everyone. Apple’s been getting some nasty emails lately from users who struggle with constipation. It’s been said that if you have a case of crap confinement, the vacuum will often back up, and blow out your earphones. There have also been cases of overheating. Go figure. In any case, if you’re able to release waste with ease, but just can’t seem to dictate when it should occur, then the iDump just might be what you’re looking for.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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