J.K.Rowling's forthcoming sex-change operation has come as a shock for many. But even more shocking are the reasons for it. Now, WikiLeaks director Julian Assange, from his cave in Northern Afghanistan, has released to our paper the "Vagina Observer" a tape that was secretly recorded of the conference that led to this momentous announcement. The meeting in Bremen, Northwestern Germany was hastily gathered as interest in Harry Potter and Potter franchises appeared to be dwindling around the world due to the influx of cheap Chinese imitations.
NB: Emotionally immature Potter fans are warned not to read any further as they may not be able to deal with the notion that they never knew their idol even when she wasn't crying.
Powerful VIPs were present at the conference including Steven Spielberg, actress Meryl Streep, actor Russell Crowe, Rowling's ex-husband Jorge Arantes, Neil Blair (partner and lawyer of the Little empire), Nicky Stonehill (ex-Bananarama singer and publicity manager), and Papal Envoy Cardinal Pedro Filia. The conference was held in a disused Nazi bunker in Bremen, Germany. Barry Cunningham of Bloomsbury represented international publishing interests. Others present were legal reps of Schillings, Rowling's legal team. What follows now is a text version of the actual meeting. It is presented in stage play format so that the reader may visualize what transpired.
Scene: A disused Nazi bunker in Bremen... Midnight.
The room is sparsely furnished. Just a very long table with Christopher Little seated in the middle. To his left is Neil Blair, his partner. The remaining eight or so people seem bored to death. A young girl in a short skirt busies herself with pouring drinks. On the back wall is a large video screen. On a dresser behind Little is a globe of the world that is still spinning. Russell Crowe smiles and rehearses his lines as he sips his Schnapps. Now and then his brow wrinkles like the late Richard Nixon's as he searches for new depths of 'sincerity'. Blair and Little both look ashen. Nicky Stonehill adjusts her Nazi Gestapo cap nervously. Schillings' reps, chins on chests, hands in pockets, giggle into their ties as they reflect on the inevitable outcome. The atmosphere is tense as J.K. Rowling rushes into the room and flops down opposite Little. She sees that there is nobody else beside her and that she is alone.
J.K: Phew, I'm so, so, so, so, soooooo sorry. I was held up signing books for a bunch of Kraut brats at the airport.
PEDRO: Bless you my child. Suffer little children.....
LITTLE: Well, Jo, we will cut straight to the point. You remember the conversation we had way back in 1990 before we started all this?
J.K: You mean when the shit hits the fan I am on my own. That conversation?
J.K: I thought this is what this might be. That's okay, I really, really, really, REALLY, enjoy being rich and we have our dogs of war... Schillings, don't we?
LITTLE: That's not what I'm getting at. What else was said then, Jo?
J.K: Gimme a hint Chris.
(Little rubs his head in exasperation and sucks his gold pen as he stares at the low ceiling).
C'HAM: Why did we call you J.K. Rowling, Jo?
J.K: So that kids would think I was a man. That was easy.
C'HAM: Precisely, Jo.
BLAIR: In the terms of the contract you signed with Chris and myself it was stipulated that. . .
J.K: What contract?
BLAIR: This contract.
J.K: Never seen it.
SPIELBERG: A contract is a binding thing Jo, you know that. The film industry would fold without them and we would not be able to plagiarize anything. Without trusting idiots to sign on the dotted and twiddle their thumbs for five or six years until they realise they have been shafted the movie industry would be fucked! Think of that! Listen to your boss.
BLAIR: You signed to the effect concrete, explicit and proven statements that are verifiable and substantively correct that I have here. . .
J.K: Oh, for fucksake Neil! It's me Jo..anne. We've known eachother for fifteen years. Cut the legal crap!
CROWE (clearing his throat): Let me take it from here gentlemen. Joanne, look into my eyes and listen to my voice because I am listening to it intently, as I always do, and so is everybody else. Did you notice how I said the word "intently"? What Mr. Blair is saying is that you legally contracted to have a sex change op should the economic circumstances call for it.
J.K: Me? Sex change? Are you all fucking mad? Jorge, tell them!
JORGE: We did have our problems Jo.
J.K: What do you mean? We fucked like Mongolian hares four times a week, every week, even during Lent. And why is everybody calling me "Jo"?
JORGE: I always felt that you weren't really in on it.
STREEP: Sex is a very mysterious thing Jo. I think you would look swell in a Gucci three-piece. Just swell.
PEDRO: Yes, Jo, it is nothing to be ashamed of. The church has long been a refuge for the sexually challenged. That's why monks live in deserts. What happens in the desert stays in the desert. Although not of that persuasion myself, and hopefully neither is our Holy Father.... although the way he slaps wrists and winks now and then.... but I digress, I have great compassion for dykes, bum bandits and shirt-lifters, as does His Holiness.
SCHILLINGS: Litigation against us would be very difficult if not impossible as your claim to authorship of the books as a man Jo, would be incontestable. We have thought it through very carefully. Let's face it Jo, only a man could write the stuff and just about everybody suspects now only men did.
STREEP: And you do have three children Jo. What would it matter? A few hormone injections and a boobs reduction job and presto! you are there. I actually changed into a man once for one of my roles. Julie Andrews went green with envy. It was all Dustin's fault.
J.K: But for keeps is different, and for real. I'd have to shave for chrissakes and stand up to pee and wear Lynx. I so, so, soooooo hate rugby and darts. Jeez! I would have to talk crap for the rest of my life and mean every fucking thing I say!!! (sobs) And Mister Murray would have nothing to hang onto. Streep! Shouldn't you be back home having a face-lift or something?
SPIELBERG: Meryl has been chosen to play you in a film we intend to make of your life story. A sex change is extremely vital within the context. It will give the plot the complication it needs and provide authenticity for your myth. Millions of gays and identity-confused virginal teenagers who think they are gay all over the world will flock to see it. Could be the biggest grossing movie of all time. Elizabeth Taylor has sent you her love, as well as a shipping container of her best medication... and a signed photo of Michael Jackson, before they stiffed him.
PEDRO: May he rest in peace.
J.K: But, I hadn't got a life story until I met Chris when I was twenty-four! The whole thing was his idea! Let him have a fucking sex op!
LITTLE: Well, that's not true. And I am speaking among witnesses. You came to me with the book and the manuscript that you were deperate to rip off. "Without mercy," were your exact words. Don't deny it. If I hadn't been shagging you at the time I might have thought twice about it.
J.K: Who the fuck are you trying to kid? You set the whole thing up!
LITTLE: You will do this, Jo! Without me you would still be painting your toenails down at Amnesty and living in Clapham.
CROWE: You must do it for your country, Jo.
J.K: Will everybody stop calling me Jo! I will scream!
BLAIR: No one will hear you.
J.K (ignoring him, and to Crowe): You are not even English you Aussie prick and we beat you at the Ashes too. So there! (Sticks out her tongue).
CROWE: In my heart I am English. And England is with you to a man.
NICKY: Russell will be playing the older Potter reminiscing about his magical life in the opera "Potter... the Magic". We are also doing "Potter On Ice" for next year. You could not make this announcement at a better time Jo because many male ice skaters are poofters, as are their supporters. Russell will train you to be a man in his spare time.
J.K: Will he now? When he is still training himself? I do not see a single man in this room, frankly. And that includes you Jorge. I pretended every single time!
JORGE: So did I.
J.K: You're a Portuguese wimp!
JORGE: I saw this coming. I warned you.
BLAIR: The boat is sinking Jo. You have to do this or we all going down.
SPIELBERG: Warner are seriously interested in this biopic. It will tie up a lot of loose ends for them, no pun intended. If you are found guilty of plagiarism in the High Court they could be sued for billions... and so they would sue you for billions.
PEDRO (blessing himself): Jesus!
NICKY: We have arranged a meeting with Dr.Godbolt in Geneva. He is the best plastic surgeon in the world. And we have a press release all ready to roll. It says simply that you always knew you were a lesbian and had often had crushes on your female school teachers. Even then you were deeply in touch with your male side and that is why you insisted on being called J.K. Rowling and "Jo" to your friends. We have a couple of your old school chums already bought and paid for who will tell the media how butch you were at hockey and basketball and how you had formed the first girl soccer team at your old school Wydean.
J.K: You cunning bastard Little! You and Blair and that other fucker Walsh planned all this from the beginning, didn't you? That's why you made Hermione so tough and Dumbledore gay, isn't it? and called me "J.K." and had everybody in Bloomsbury call me "Jo" and sent me to Havard with my hair tied up to look like a friggin' boy. You planned the whole thing from the start. And you were behind this too, Cunningham! Cunning by name and cunning by fucking nature!
LITTLE: It will solve all our problems. Yours no less than ours. Unless you want to go to jail for plagiarism and perjury. You would come out a dyke anyway... and broke. This way you get to buy your own suits, keep your dough, arm wrestle and smoke cigars.
BLAIR: And we will get to keep all our power too. I don't think I could live if I wasn't legally empowered to destroy innocent people. (Breaks down).
SCHILLINGS: Here! Here!
PEDRO: It is for the good of the church my child. His Holiness has sent me to tell you that you have his prayers and his blessing. He has never been happy with Harry Potter and the Vatican has never approved him despite of what your British media have put out. There is talk among bishops of a new pulpit campaign.
The video screen flashes into life and there is Pope Benedict fixing his mascara for the video broadcast. He speaks from the Papal throne.
POPE: Jo, my child. I hope Cardinal Pedro has made you aware of your predicament... and ours. You must bear some responsibility for the present sexual crisis in the Church, your Mother. I am not saying Harry Potter caused it. But the demon-ridden miscreant did not help. Did he? You must understand that a sexually frustrated cleric is a missile waiting to off... and off, and off, and off, and off and off. The notion that Potter embodies the female psyche as opposed to the male, is indeed the author in drag, has had a most detrimental affect on our priests and nuns. Your decision would be most welcomed by many of my flock, indeed any flock, especially in New Zealand. I pray to our blessed Charles D'Eon, patron saint of transvestites to guide you in doing the right thing.
STREEP: The Pope's got it nailed, Jo. What's a billion bucks compared to a little nip and tuck, eh?
NICKY: I wish he was on our team.
LITTLE: You would still have the impeccable reputation we have built for you.
STREEP: I will see to it. Oscar!
J.K: Don't call me "Oscar"!
SCHILLINGS: Legally, you would be untouchable.
J.K: "Untouchable" is just the problem you fucking morons! Let me think about it.