Hyderabad, AP (From our special correspondent) - Damodar Baa, a resident of Malkajgiri (Hyderabad, India) sued his wife's teddy bear on a two-fold charge of 'Injuiring Marital Relationship' and 'Incidental Hair Loss', in what appears to be the latest move amidst the growing crisis in husband-wife relationships in Hyderabad, the 'biryani capital of the world'.
"Intense hatred is what I feel towards the 3-feet china-made teddy bear" Mr Baa told the reporters at the Blue Diamond restaurant right across the state highcourt this morning. The reporters spoke to Mr.Baa who was slurping osmania biscuits with irani chai moments after filing a lawsuit against the teddybear. Sources said Mr.Baa has solicited rupees three lakhs in compensation for the irreparable injury caused to his marital relationship and associated hair-loss, plus auto-rickshaw charges, other damages and court costs.
"How else would you feel when a teddybear shares your private bed, hugs your wife, sits on her lap, squats on your television and music systems, eats up tremendous shelf spaces of drawing rooms and bedrooms, all in your presence but against your will ?" Mr. Baa, the hair-loss victim, snapped our special correspondent while detailing the emotional pain induced by his wife's teddy bear. Our undisclosed source, Dr. Roopavathi Podukhe, a neuropsychiatrist and chemical dependency specialist from the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at the Gandhi Multi-Speciality Hospitals (Padmarao Nagar) confirmed that Mr Baa is still under medication for his post-traumatic stress disorder.
[The AP State Commission For Men (APSCM), in partnership with the United Nations Commission for Men's Welfare (UNCMW - Asia Pacific) would be organizing a 2-day workshop on the 28th and 29th of this month to counsel the victims of teddybear brutality. You may call the toll free number 1-800-TEDDYB to register]
"They are the most unmannerly of all species, I would say" says a composed K. Murugesh Reddy who instantly fled on his TVS champ to the state highcourt to file a case against his wife's teddybear after news of multiple teddy bear cases flashed on TV9. Sources said Mr Reddy also intends to file a follow-on suit claiming bladder injury after the court's ruling on his initial lawsuit.
In another instance of filed lawsuits, Mr. Abdul Aleem shared his exclusive story with our special correspondent. (Mr. Aleem is an IIM Ahmedabad graduate (first class pass) and a Business Consultant by profession. Mr Abdul was happily married until his wife's teddy bears showed up on their bed).
"Technically speaking, they (teddybears) are the actual 'bone in the barbeque' - we locally refer to as kabab mein haddi - of my sanctified love towards my wife Fathima; I bought her three teddybears last year on her birthday. I wasn't aware of the magnitude of their potential influence in my marital life. Over the months, these goddamned overweight creatures, pardon my language, while feigning innocence under the pretext of cuteness and sweetness, have been hypnotizing my woman without her knowledge. These bears have further degenerated to a point of sitting on my wife's lap, while inconspicuously reciprocating her hugs during sleep"
Calls to Mrs Fathima, Abdul's wife, were either unanswered or unreturned.
According to the latest research by BUCCA, the world-renowned cutting-edge research center based out of Geneva, Switzerland, has presented its research papers and development results at the FCL Annual Conference providing useful insights on this niche area of masculine disaster. The research also declared women are innocent, yet they fail to acknowledge men's true love due to the influence of teddybears in residential premises. Mr. Houston Eldridge, the Chairman and founding member of BUCCA said he has supporting datapoints and testimonials to prove that women find teddy bears prettier and more lovable than their husbands or boyfriends. "I personally think it's an absolute injustice men are coerced to endure" Mr Houston added.
Mr. Raman Kutty, a management consultant, columnist and celebrated author on Decision Sciences and Disaster Management also shared his insights with us.
"Such emotional disasters for men can be traced to the fundamental design of these overweight bears. Look at any teddy bear. Observe its gesture. Its hands spread out ridiculously wide. Legs, as if fully prepared and ready to jump over others' wives. Therefore, the very basic design is the root-cause of the problem before us. Change it. Fix it up.
Mr Kutty continued "Observe the way it looks at our women, supplemented by this universally ever-fixed body language which clearly says "Darling, you know I am cute, cuddly and sweet. So come, hug me". Unfortunately, our women, with their sensitive sensibilities, ironically find this anti-social gesture pretty adorable and readily hug them, incognizant of their man's true love for them.. The actual struggle for a man starts with his woman's first sight of a teddy bear in the shop and he buying her one to impress her. Digging his own grave! This is the precise moment that marks the point of inflection in his normal course of happy living. All I have to say is, unfortunately, teddybears are a grave impediment to manhood's emotional and marital prosperity"
"And yes, if you ask me for a solution, try to design teddybears that hug each other by default, something like Siamese twin-teddys conjoined at bellies" Mr. Kutty added.
While addressing a press conference at the Perth Press Club in Perth, Australia, Julian Assange has spoken to the reporters on this issue. He announced that wikileaks would soon be publishing a detailed report on China's tactical moves to encourage sustenance of teddybear exports to India and the political connives implemented by China to shoot up teddybear distribution exponentially across our nation. China, as it was understood from Mr Assange, is engaging in such fallacious schemes with the strategic objective of deputizing husbands and boyfriends in all aspects of Indian civilized life. (Reuters)