This reporter is delighted to bring his readers an exclusive first look at Tommy Sheridans autobiography,its not due to hit the shelves at poundland until the new year but we acquired a copy from a rent boy in brighton who had been proofreading.
The government would have you believe that I was born in a hospital,having been lovingly removed from my mothers womb,well don't listen to them...it wasn't me, I was nowhere near her at the time, I was in fact born yesterday.
It wasn't me who grew up and went to school in pollok, I also never saw any family members reported to be around during my childhood,so-called friends cannot prove that I played football with them and enjoyed a contented young life.
I never, I repeat never attend Cardonald College and while I wasn't there did not take a typing course,during my time not there I was successful in bringing fellow militants into the labour party and at no point was I expelled.
As a faithful payer of the council tax you can imagine my surprise at seeing an imposter on TV claiming to be me and organising marches in protest to the ever helpful Tory government, it was during this period I was busy making fluffy bunny toys for the ickle kiddes at the Rupert Murdoch early learning centre.
At some point during the late 90's I decided that the swingers lifestyle was for me and embraced it to the full, I however did not write that, it was not me, I wasn't even in he country during that last sentence,speaking of sentences I am in no way about to begin another long one at her majesty's pleasure and I completely deserve it.