Since the dawn of time, scientists have tried to answer the question, "Does Santa come with flying reindeer to deliver presents at Christmas?" They have a conclusive answer.
"Of course Santa doesn't exist, you idiotic children," said Dr. Francis Pharcellus Church of the Santa Is Bullsh-t Institute in Afghanistan. "What the f--k do you think?"
1. No known species of reindeer can fly, because they are 500-pound f--king elk.
2. There are 91.8 million homes for Santa to visit: Thanks to different time zones, Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. That means for each celebrating household with at least one good child in it, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, place presents under the tree, eat the cookies and return to the sleigh.
Do the math, Skippy.
3. Assuming that all 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed throughout the earth, the total trip time will be 75.5 million miles. That means Santa's sleigh must move at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth (the Ulysses space probe) moves at 27.4 miles per second.
4. Assuming that each child get nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (weighing 2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying a payload of 321,300 tons, not counting jolly ol' Saint Nick himself.
5. A standard reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even if flying reindeer might pull 10 times more than a normal reindeer, Santa would need 214,200 reindeer to pull the sleigh. The reindeer, payload, Santa and sleigh would therefore weigh more than 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the Q.E. II cruise ship.
6. This 353,430 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates tremendous air resistance, heating the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would therefore absorb 14.3 quintillion joule of energy, per second, each.
7. Rudolph would burst into flames, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating massive sonic booms in their wakes. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 0.00426 seconds. Santa will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500 times greater than gravity. Assuming that Santa weighs 250 pounds, he would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,375,000 pounds of centrifugal force.
8. If Santa is a Saint, he must be a Catholic priest (as evidenced by his breaking in to homes with children inside). A dead Catholic priest. If Santa is a dead Catholic priest, how can he deliver presents?
8b. How can a Catholic priest be married to Mrs. Claus?
"Your parents lie to you. Constantly," continued Dr. Church. "Your parents don't love you and your siblings equally. Of course Mommy has done drugs. And your 'Daddy' is really a Monmouth University frat boy your mother met on Spring Break In Belmar, NJ."