Written by rfreed
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Wednesday, 22 December 2010

image for Five 'Wall Street Heavyweights' Say Its Time To Put Your Meager Money Into Their Greedy Hands Upper graph- stock merchants chart, lower graph- stock buyers (also known as chumps) graph.

The front page of USA Today announced that '5 Wall Street Heavyweights say it's time to "Get Back Into Stocks!"' Yes folks, for those of you who are not unemployed or living out of a storage unit it is time to take your hard earned cash and put it back into the hands of those people who almost sunk the United States like it was the Titanic.

The money section of the paper (and who knows money better than a publication like USA Today that serves no other purpose than making money for itself!) shows their wonderfully smiling faces and their wonderfully willing arms outstretched to embrace you and your wallets.

Here is what they have to say:

Abby Joseph Cohen of Goldman Sachs- "Hello folks! I'm taking out a little of my precious time to let you little people know that it is time to add your little nest eggs to help line our buzzards nest. It isn't enough that we robbed the US Treasury to bail out our worthless, bloated company but we now need your money to help keep us in the top 1% of the country that owns 99% of everything. Come now! What would you spend that money on anyway? Food? A vacation? Kids education? Phooey! Give it to the professionals who truly know how to finagle money, especially someone else's."*

David Bianco of Bank Of America and Merrill Lynch- "Good day! How are all you peasants doing today? I just want to invite you wonderful lower income people to invest your small but crucial savings in some of the wonderful stock options that we offer. We need your small investments to pad us in case of another economic downfall so that we can keep our riches intact. The last big recession we had was stopped by the investments of the small stock owners who could not move their ownings out of the way of the financial avalanche fast enough, thus saving us from losing anything. God knows we couldn't stand to lose our second home in Aspen. It was great! You can just think of your investments as working for the greater good, namely saving our butts."*

Bob Doll of BlackRock- "If you don't believe in a depression, and I don't (this much was an actual quote) then invest all your savings in us! In fact, invest your kids savings, your retired mothers savings, your grandfather who is living off social securities savings! Go for the gusto! I don't believe in a depression just like I don't believe in stop signs, or international banking laws that restrict me or in the inviolable rights of sovereign nations or in trying to get along with Democrats or in letting other nations keep all their oil to themselves. I do however believe in the Tooth Fairy and unicorns and Sasquatches and the Bogey man...."*

* These are real people (or at least they look like real people. They could actually be gnarly disguised space aliens bent on taking over the US) but the quotes are not. It is, however, what they were thinking in their heads.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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