Ring In The New Year!
By Timothy N. Stelly, Sr.
Taking a page from the National Enquirer and other errant epistles, here are my predictions for 2011, many of them macabre. These prognostications are brought to you by Miss Cleo and Crandall's New and Used Crystal Balls, of Locust Ridge, Louisiana
JORAN AND O.J. FACE SHOWER DANGERS. Yep, The Danish Bad Boy "takes one for the team" after he is unable to settle a five-dollar debt with another convict. It will get even worse when he learns that he will not be deported back to Aruba and must stand trial in Peru for murder, Upon his arrival in the Peruvian court, his wrists will be handcuffed to his ankles and he will be dragged into the judge's chambers with his pants down around his ankles. The Judge, Prosecutor and two of the jurors will be standing behind him wearing sadistic grins and nothing else, as the judge informs him, "Parece él apenas no es su año, hijo. (Looks like it just isn't your year, son.")
In another jail-themed prophecy, O.J. Simpson will be accused of a prison shower throat slashing and vow to use the money put on his books to find the real killers.
MEG WHITMAN ANNOUNCES HER BID FOR THE GOP PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION:: Having gained such a rush from her free-spending bid for California Governor, Meg Whitman will begin outspending a;; of her GOP rivals combined. By the time the 2012 primaries roll around in 2012, she will have spent 700 million dollars and all she will have to show for it is a fifth-place standing in polls in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina. But Meg will wink her eye and warn, "I'm just getting started!!"
LARRY HOLMES RECAPTURES HEAVYWEIGHT CROWN: The Easton Assassin will come out of retirement and win back the Heavyweight title: With the shabby state of boxing, ticket sales for this snorefest will be so slow that the bout will air on network television in primetime and get beaten in the ratings by a Saved By The Bell reunion movie, The Czechoslovakian Table Tennis Championships on ESPN 3, a special on the Spice Channel starring Rosie O'Donnell and Ron Jeremy, and an American Idol special featuring a sing-off between E.J. Day and Sanjaya Malakar.
OSCAR BUZZ: One of the cinematic surprises of 2011 will be "Threw Gritz: The Tayan Jones Story." Tayan Jones (Lisa Bonet in an Ocar-worthy performance) is the woman who threw hot grits on former R & B crooner Al Green (Larenz Tate.) This movie will be dubbed "A well-written and directed tear-jerker," mainly because of a scene where Tate and Bonet perform a musical number, "These Grits Are Made For Tossin', during which a tearful Bonet croons, "These grits are made for tossin / and that's what I'm gonna do / and soon as you come inside / they're gonna stick all over you…"
As usual, Hollywood will muck things up by running a good idea into the ground and this film will be followed by a vapid sequel-"Threw Grits II: No Butter Blues," that will be so bad, it will drive the director to suicide. This will be followed by two copycat films-"Deez Is For Yooz," where a woman (Marisa Tomei) tosses hot linguini on Vic Damone (Mark Wahlberg); and "Miss Yang Wang Noodles' Revenge," where a woman (Lucy Liu) tosses hot chow mein on William Hung. At the Hollywood premiere, during the climactic scene when Hung is scalded while singing She Bangs, the audience will stand and cheer. The Best Actress Oscar, however, will go to Charlize Theron, as she again dons heavy make-up to play a disturbed person with a serious overbite: The lead in <i> The Gary Busey Story.
A BIG CURVE BALL: Roger Clemens will be found innocent of all charges in the government's perjury case against him, but afterward, in a fit of 'roid rage, he will strangle the federal prosecutor, who slips and calls him Roger Corman.
REEEEEOWR! In June a Hollywood cat fight of monumental proportions will occur when an inebriated Lindsay Lohan will get into a late-night dust-up with Roseanne Barr. Lohan, urged on by Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, will later show up on the set of Barr's new HBO special with a loaded handgun before she is wrestled to the floor by security. She will be charged with brandishing a weapon, possession of a loaded firearm, and a parole violation. She will be sentenced to 18 months in jail, serve ten days, go to rehab for another five and then be released for good behavior.
OWNERS DROP THE BALL: The 2011 NFL season will be reduced to 12 ganes when players are locked out by management and $2,000-a-week scab players are suited up. Subsequently, the Super Bowl features the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos, with the Cats winning 6-3. Panther quarterback JeMarcus Russell is named MVP even though he completes only 6 of 23 pass attempts for 19 yards. The owners are so ashamed of the product they have put on the field, they acquiesce to the players' demands.
AY CARAMBA! Immigration reform will be stepped up after it is revealed that the most popular names for 2011 are Consuela and Manuel. As white panic fuels an epidemic of hives, Arisona Senator John McCain will lead the charge to stop all immigration. In other Capitol Hill news, Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner will give bipartisanship a new meaning when they perform a rousing rendition of the Marvin Gaye-Diana Ross classic, "My Mistake Was To Love You" on the floor of the House of Representatives.
BETTER TO HAVE NEVER LOVED AT ALL: </b> Jennifer Aniston will get dumped three more times: By John Mayer (again), David Faustino and Michael Imperioli, but will find true romance as she becomes part of a May-December pairing with former <i> Barney Miller </i> star Abe Vigoda. The real May-December shocker will occur when Shaquille O'Neal leaves his current fiancée Hoopz at the altar and instead announces his engagement to former Golden Girl, Betty White. In other Hollywood news, Karie Couric will shock the world when she releases a gangster rap album produced by 50 Cent.
CUP RUNNETH OVER A new athletic supporter will revolutionize sports when one made in the shape of a box will be determined to be safer than more conventional cups. "The Crotch Coffin" will be the rave among catchers and football players until it is exposed in a Consumer Reports article as nothing more than a "gimmick," and its inventor is later exposed as "a nut case."
YEEEEEE HAW! SHE GOT HERSELF A FANCY CITY FELLER: </b> 30 Rock star Alec Baldwin will be kidnapped by Appalachian loonies and forced to marry their toothless, uneducated, twenty-year-old daughter who is already a mother of nine in-bred younguns. After escaping, it will take years for a divorce to be finalized as Baldwin's ex-wife (Kim Basinger) finances the hillbilly woman's effort to remain married to him.
SUPER BAD MOVE: Mel Gibson bombs in his comeback, as he plays the lead in an all-white remake of the blaxploitation classic "Superfly." The movie will be burdened by the odd combination of 90's and 70's slang and Gibson's casting of Octomom Nadya Suleman in the role of Georgia, first made famous by Sheila Frazier. Gibson is ridiculed by reviewers for his exaggerated black dialect and for delivering the year's most jaw-clenching line: "You jive-time mo-fo's better chill out fo' shizzle, man!"
Worse, the original Curtis Mayfield soundtrack is re-recorded by Toby Keith.
WOMAN ON TOP: The Governor of New York will resign due to health reasons and the Lt. Governor wo;; be caught up in a scandal, making it necessary for a special gubernatorial election. All of the state's movers and shakers will appear on the ballot, but it is porn legend Linda Lovelace who shocks the world and is elected Governor.
CAREER SHIFT: So-called "comedian" Carrot Top will earn rave reviews on Broadway as he successfully tackled the role of Atticus Finch in a musical version of "To Kill A Mockingbird." Critics are stunned by Carrot Tops "Barry White sounding voice," and "the depth of emotion he brings to the role."
SAD DAYS FOR THE PEANUT MAN: Former President Jimmy Carter will be arrested after the botched robbery attempt of a mom and pop liquor store in Plains Georgia. The former President will reveal that he is not only broke, but also addicted to oxycontin and Thunderbird wine.
SHOCKING! Another NFL player is imprisoned and banned from the league after it is discovered that he is a key player in a cat-fighting ring. Eli Manning will be arrested midway through training camp and admit that he drowned and electrocuted several felines who "Weren't up to snuff."
SPEAKING OF CATS: With the Rat Pack, Brat Pack and Black Pack all a thing of the past, Hollywood's latest in clique will be known as "The Cat Pack" The troupe will include Katty Kay, Peter Coyote, John Cougar, Def Leppard, Tiger Woods, Jeffrey Lyons, Wolf Perry, Kat Williams and Kitty Carlisle.
Check back with me next year at this tine to see how many I got right.