Below is a letter sent to Mr. Arm of The Spoof who put out an online request for children 'sired' by Skoob - also of The Spoof.
Dr. Mr. Arm,
My cousin told me you were searching for children 'sired' by a Mr. Skoob. My mother explained to me events leading up to my conception. When you have read the following - you will be aware of the reason I am contacting you at this time.
Apparently Mother met this gentleman in a public house when she was doing research for her novel "Man: Buggers All Of Them". She approached this unusual looking individual as he was reading The Daily Sun and quoffing some suds and muttering obsenities to himself. Perhaps comments on the stories he was reading in his 'tabloid'.
Mother asked him if he wouldn't mind answering some simple questions she had prepared. He agreed. After having interviewed 'said' gentleman for two or three hours, and having matched him drink for drink, she felt a little woozy and he kindly offered to share a taxi with her.
Somehow, they ended up in her hotel room. She collapsed on the bed and passed out. The next thing she remembers is waking up and finding a note on her pillow, which she kept.
I hope you enjoyed yourself last night. I did! All
that stuff I told you was a load of bollocks, so go
ahead and print it in that arse-hole of a book you
Good luck. Hopefully we'll never meet again coz your
breath stinks and you don't shave your armpits.
Grateful for 2 seconds!
Skoob (That's not my real name by the way. HA! HA!
Mr. Arm, 9 months later I entered this beautiful world of ours and, whilst not actively searching for my biological sperm donor, I would love to meet my siblings. I am sure their numbers are high and their nationalities are varied as I did hear, across the years, that he did indeed 'put it about a bit' to use common terminology which is somewhat alien to me.
My mother's name is Beaver Canuck, she's originally from Southern Ontario, Canada and is presently living in Alaska with a writer who writes for the famous Spoof online newspaper.
I enclose my cell phone number. By all means call me or text me with further information.
Quinten Tortellini Phd. BA MD BMW
Mayor of Newby, Isle of Wight.