Written by Lady Godiva
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Saturday, 11 December 2010

image for Takwana Smith and Anitikapita Jones, both of Cargo Fleet, Middlesbrough, discuss latest news regarding hikes in gas and electricity prices. Takwana and Anitikapita pose for our photographer after letting their hair down.

Our brilliant, yet modest, reporter, Lady Godiva, caught up with two of her favourite characters today, Takwana Smith and Anitakapita Jones, both of Cargo Fleet, Middlesbrough.

Both were 'sporting' the fashionable 'South Bank Facelift' hairdo, which tends to leave them looking rather surprised all of the time.

When asked about their opinions on the latest news Takwana said,

"Well, they've go' us ri' by the shor' n' curlies 'aven't they? Friggin' big corporations, they don' give a flying f**k about us ord'nary folk inni'. Pardon me French your 'ighness.

Christ, we 'ave gas AND lecky like mos' folk 'round 'ere'. Friggin' winter - snow up to yer armits - freezing the balls off brass bloody monkeys and they 'it us with this crap."

"Yeah! Wo' SHE jus' sed," agreed Anitakapita, "and....wot's wersorer is tha' we've just 'erd that the buggery 'Einz Beans werkers in Wigan are mebbies goin' on strike like. Jesus, Mary, Mother of God. How bad can i' ge'? We've stocked up on 'Einz cans, aven' we Takwana? Coz our lads'll be out o' their minds if we run out o' beans. Mind you..." she giggled..."they're never quite innem are thee?"

Lady Godiva sympathised with the pair then took them to their favourite restaurant located in Morrisons' Berwick Hills Branch, for lunch, as she always did after an interview.

They had to enter, with the help of the Branch Manager, Graeme Farley, through the warehouse doors as there was a huge commotion at both sets of revolving doors where panicking shoppers had become wedged, in an attempt to enter the shop and stock up on Heinz Baked Beans.

Police riot squad personnel, paramedics and firefighters wielding heavy metal-cutting equipment, were busy at the scene.

Morrisons specials this week include, 50% off painkillers and Band Aid elastoplasts, but only for customers injured in the fracas.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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