Written by Gomez, Alexander
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Friday, 10 December 2010

I was called to a crime scene one day. It was a routine call about a supposed suicide of an egg man. From all I heard, there was no suicide note or reason for the subject to commit an act as such. Little did I know that this particular case was going to become one of the most memorable cases in the history of the Wolves Special Investigation Unit. Throughout the long history of the WSIU, there has never been such a large conspiracy dealing with murder and blackmail.

My name is Lobo Bane, and I specialize in criminal investigation in the homicide division of Magicalville. I was called to observe the body of an egg man. Allegedly, the other police department, known as the King's Horses, couldn't put the body of the person back together in order to make a positive identification. In such circumstances, such a task is tedious and pain staking. Hours passed and we noticed that there was a portion from the back of the head missing. However, we did have enough pieces put it together in enough order to make an ID.

The subject was named Humpty-Dumpty. He was accused of laundering money and criminal extortion exactly a year earlier. The only reason he got off clean was due to the pardon from the king. Often the king didn't really command anyone in the kingdom. He was more of an adviser to the queen, not a true king. Well, who could blame him? The queen was known for being ruthless, powerful, and heartless.

Anyway, Mr. Dumpty had no family and he was pretty much a "nobody". In order for the investigation to continue, we needed to find the missing part of the head, so naturally we went back to the scene of the crime. There we found a chalk outline, where the body once rested. There was a gold bullet casing lying just three yard from the chalk outline. The only people wealthy enough to afford golden bullets were of royal blood. Automatically we suspect that the queen had to be involved with the murder.

We went to the royal palace and interviewed her. She, of course, denied any involvement with Mr. Dumpty. But something struck my eye when we were questioning her. She had a very odd colored apple sitting on her side table. When I asked her about it, she gave a me a very nervous look and hesitated for a brief second before answering with," It is a purple.. Grandysmith…. orchard apple". At that moment I decided to place her under arrest and take her down to the station, along with the apple.

We had our best agents test the apple for any drug content and it came out positive. When we confronted the queen with it, she broke down and told us about her plans to kill Snow White. Even though her confession had nothing to do with our case, we asked her where she got the apple from. She said she only gets the best only from Little Red Riding Hood. Without hesitation, I set for a patrol car to monitor her every movement. That night I was very restless and anxious about the case.

Three days went by and we had no response from our agent. Then we got word of an incident that happened just the day before. Apparently, a WSIU agent attacked a young girl and was killed by a hunter. We all knew what this meant. We needed to pay Little Red a visit and bring her to justice.

When we arrived, the door to her house was wide open. Her house seemed to be unusually silent. Immediately, we all pulled our side-arms and proceeded towards the house cautiously. As we entered the door, we saw Little Red's body on the ground, lying face down with a golden bullet casing resting next to her head. We had to seal off the area and take any evidence left at the scene. The corpse had cookie crumbs dusted all over the red hood. Only two people in the kingdom could have such cookie crumbs. The first thing I did was agents monitor the house of the Baker and on the Witch in the Forrest.

Later on that day, I received a call from one of the agents. He informed us that the witch had been found cooked to death in her oven by a bunch of kids. Everyone thought that the kids killed the witch out of self-dense, I knew they didn't. I had them arrested and brought in for questioning. Threatened with years in prison for homicide, Hansel and Griddle spilled the beans about an underground organization of assassins. They apparently had been ordered by their leaders to kill Little Red with a certain kind of bullet. They were led by three pigs, referred to only as the "Trinity", also known as the three little pigs.

One hundred of the WSIU's best men were gathered together to apprehend the pigs. I sent agent vans packed tight with agents and weapons. When our unit pulled into the pigs property, twenty of the agents were ready to bust into the straw house, but it collapsed when they knocked the door in. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a pig run away from the house towards a house made of sticks. The agents rushed as fast as they could over to the house made of sticks and got into position to breach the house.

They kicked the door in and a large ball of fire erupted from the house and killed the agents. The house collapsed in on itself as two pigs run up a hill and towards a house made of brick and reinforced concrete. At that same time, the other eighty men showed up and got into place to breach the brick house. Without warning, the front door of the house exploded outward, revealing the pigs with automatic weapons. They opened fire on the wolves and killed thirty. At the same time, the wolves opened fire, putting holes all over the house. Two pigs were killed instantly, however the remaining pig was in critical condition. I ran over to his body and began to interrogate him harshly. He told me that the king had hired them to kill Dumpty because he was blackmailing the king with pictures of him having an affair with Snow White. After the police got involved, the king decided to tie up any loose ends by killing anyone associated with the hit on Dumpty.

I then directed the men towards the royal palace. We broke in and went room to room looking for the king. We found him in his room, dead. He was in the bath tub. Apparently he had been boiled to death. Next to the foot of the tub sat a note written in beautiful handwriting saying, " You scramble one of our brothers, we'll put you Sunnyside up". Justice is served.

After all that happened that day, I decided to put my retirement in early and live someplace quieter. This town is just too crazy for an old wolf like me.

By Alexander Gomez

"The Case of Humpty-Dumpty"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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