Written by plinth course
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Monday, 3 July 2006

image for Mother Nature is Angry US citizens are the first to receive Mother's letter

As your loving mother, I’m writing this, my first, open letter to you humans, my most complex mammal, just to tell you to cut it out. I am the mother here, and I’m tired of seeing you get all full of yourself, thinking you can ‘conquer’ me.

I’ve been watching, I see that you don’t clean up after yourself, to say nothing of the ‘wars’ you foist on my world. You seem to think it’s just horsing around, but look at my horses. Do they play around and destroy whole groups of other horses, create blood-baths and deposit uranium (don’t come at me with that ‘depleted’ business) everywhere? No.

I could go on about that ‘war’ business, but YOU know what you’ve been doing. My big issue right now is with the way you try to get around my reproductive rules. Now, I’m not going to give you a ‘sex talk,’ I think you people go too far with it anyway, but there is a related topic.

Just look at you! I give you rules about good mating, such as skin clarity, and you find a way to go around them. I see you all getting ‘skin peels’ and face lifts, wasting my precious resources on ‘youth’ creams and anti-wrinkle goop. Now, why? Huh? Don’t tell me. I know why. Take that iPod off for once and pay attention! You are trying to circumvent the rule that associates clear, smooth skin with health. I MEANT for that rule to stick. Shame on you!

Look at the birds. Turn off the TV! Look at the birds, I said. Which male will a hen pick? The one with torn feathers and dull color and worn down beak? No, she’ll pick the one with bright, shiny feathers and a finely honed beak. It means ‘Ready to go.’ It means young and fertile, good DNA. You’re skating on thin ice, I’m telling you. Stop that download NOW. As I said, that rule was issued to guide you to good mating. You’re supposed to choose by gene expression, and don’t get me started on the DNA mapping going on. I’ll really take you to task on Frankenfood. Later.

Stop putting pressure on females to stay ‘young and attractive’ by putting themselves under the knife just to have an unnaturally robust figure. What a waste!! Now, I made the young woman look a certain way, emphasis on YOUNG, because those are her reproductive years. I did NOT intend for 50 and 60 year old women to look 30. Why? You know why? I’ll tell you why.

I devised the grandmother system. It’s a good system. I made women live longer so that they can help take care of the babies in the group, offer guidance, etc. It's one of the keys to your success -- Put your eyes BACK in focus! They’re supposed to nurture OTHER, younger mothers, not go around getting tiny waists – I saw you having ribs removed, for Pete’s sake -- and tiny feet – yeah, having toes removed -- TOES! – to fit pointy high heels (what IS this foot fetish you have?) -- and huge silicone breasts – Silicone! Don’t interrupt. Saline, shmaline.

I wanted grandmothers to have padding in the middle and sagging breasts and WRINKLES to signal the end of their reproductive life. Stop making that face! It’s a SIGN that the grandmother phase is HERE. How dense can you all be?

One last thing. You keep trying to get around the youth rule with those baby-white fluorescent Chicklet teeth. STOP IT NOW. That’s another sign of youth that I will not allow you to take into your fifties, sixties and on to the grave. Ever heard of the expression ‘long in the tooth?’ Well, it means OLD, and I don’t want my old people with teeth so white you need shades to talk to them. It’s un… well, me.

I love you. You know that. Proof positive is the way I’ve allowed you to run the world, practically becoming my competition! Everything you do now – wow, you’re up to 6.5 billion, how time flies! -- has an impact exactly as destructive as any big hurricane or earthquake. Don’t you see?

Now, this can be rectified. All you have to do is STOP it. That’s all. Otherwise, I’ll let you keep on, yes I will, and you’ll end up mating outside your cohort so much that you’ll become extinct. That’s where it will end, no doubt about it. Stay HERE: That porn site you're looking at has a worm, you know. Old gametes won’t do for me, and they’re not good for you, to say nothing of the missing grandmothers, now mothers (?)

If you think my Tsunamis are bad, just wait until you see the mess you’ll make flouting my mating rules! I shudder (4.5 Richter) to think.

Love, Mom

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

106 readers are online right now!

Go to top