Written by SpaceElevator
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Tuesday, 7 December 2010

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WikiLeaks main rival, "WonkaLeaks", has released secret cables between former U.S. Secretary of Confectioneries Dr. Karen J. Stevens, Ph.D. and well-known candy maker Wonka.

The following statements by Dr. Stevens (pictured at right) seem to hint at a sinister web of ulterior motives by the U.S. government:

  • February 14, 2004 || Where can I get my hands on some more 'yellow cake'?
  • March 8, 2004 || 'Gummies'...? 'Laffy Taffy'...? They 'urt me teef!
  • February 30, 2005 || 'Everlasting Gobstopper'...? Not very likely.
  • June 11, 2005 || 'Spree', 'Sweetarts' and 'Kazoozles' are all boring.
  • June 12, 2005 || The same goes for 'Bottlecaps', 'Shockers' and 'Exceptionals'.
  • June 31, 2005 || Dear Diary: I killed a man with a 'Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip' today.
  • October 22, 2006 || Who does a gal have to shag to get some 'Nerds' around here?
  • November 1, 2007 || It appears that 'Pixy Stix' are simply colored sugar.
  • May 6, 2008 || 'Mix-Ups' remind me of my first marriage.
  • January 1, 2009 || 'Runts' -- can't live with them, can't live without them.

Meanwhile Dr. Stevens' new book, Confessions of a Confectionery Hit-Woman: The Sugar Made Me Do It, is due out in bookstores in time for holiday shopping.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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