Just when you thought you had read everything there was to know about how the US has destroyed world peace with its duplicity; sleeping with the enemy; funding terrorists; outright lies and generally offensive machinations, here comes the biggest bombshell!
That elusive scoundrel "Osama" simply does not exist! Not because he's dead - but because he has never existed! Previous such allegations were tut-tutted by the US admin as mere conspiracy theories. But now comes confirmation in the latest cable dump. The following is a reproduction of actual text:
****day, 12 September 2001, 15:32
CONFIDENTIAL SECTION 1 OF 1
TAGS ABC, DEF, GHI, JKL, MNO PQR, STU, VW, XYZ
DOUBLE TOP SECRET - EYES ONLY. IF SEEN BY UNAUTHORIZED TERMINATE WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE
SUBJECT: CREATION OF FANTASY FIGURE OSAMA BEN LINDEN TO JUSTIFY AFGHAN INVASION UNDER GUISE OF 'WAR ON TERROR'
Classified by Colon Small-Bowell; Concarne-Rice
1. (C) Summary. Further to 911 attack financed by certain known Saudi interests, perfect opportunity to now invade Iraq-Afghanistan, occupy ad infinitum and establish permanent US base in Central Asia. Wean away dependence on Saudi oil and use Iraqi assets. Afghanistan good listening post to spy on India-Pak-Russia. Pretend friendship to check India's rise; take out Paki nukes and stir Russian pot. Agreed this will once and for all confirm America's presence as 'the only super power in the world'. Sec-State working on creation of anti-Christ figure to justify [in words of POTUS] 2nd Crusade. Suggest use typical sand-n***** - raghead template to create illusory Saudi character. CODENAME: Osama Ben Linden. Ideas for name suggested by POTUS who has just seen "Ben-Hur" movie for 1000th time.
1(D) Agreed by all. Brit poodle Toony Care-Blare pumps air; "smashing", "brilliant". Leads group in prayer. POTUS thanks his 'real' Heavenly Father for guiding him in the right path; Tin-Man Veep writing 'Shock & Awe" speech [mouth in constant rictus - perhaps not breathing?] POTUS says "He-he, Dickless is nothing but a smelly Texas turd".
1 (G) Propaganda finalized. POTUS & Saudi potentate holding hands through entire meeting while gazing into each others eye. To deflect attention from true intentions of our "Saudi ally" - blame for all US and Muslim nations deceit-failures to be put on this mythical Ben Linden figure. Billions of US taxpayer dollars to be spent on 'pursuing' this non-existent character with Pakistani Army duplicity. Gen-120% Mush can be easily arm-twisted
1(Z)Group pinky-swears to secrecy uttering oath "Hie-ho, hie-ho; our lips are zipped hie-ho. They'll never know the scam we've pulled; hie-ho hie ho". Sec-State Concarne-Rice picks up leftover bucket of chicken wings & bbq pork ribs [big Saudi favorite snack]; cleans up room; has CIA crew sanitize area remove traces of DNA & all other biometric data.
Lights out. Nudge-nudge; wink-wink. GAWD BLESS SCAMERICA