EXT. DAY. Shot of Grandpa Ganja's Emporium. GG sweeps the sidewalk, nods to passerby, turns and starts inside.
INT. Usual scene. Smoke eddies, CHESS PLAYERS in inaction, BETH at the table chats with 80-year-old CLARA with walker. CLIENTS at tables smoke, drink coffee, eat cookies. GUITARIST strums softly in a corner. GG crosses with broom and goes into backroom.
…was really hot and all the ladies
were after him the same day he moved
in. Well, honey, some of those girls
are only 60 or so and entirely without
scruples. I mean, it was embarrassing
to watch the way they flirted with
him and turned all phony sexy every
time he showed up. They were like a lot of
Pretty strong competition, eh?
Oh, it's dog eat dog when you're old;
eligible men are hard to find.
Any men who aren't dead yet.
That's a pretty low standard, isn't it?
You have to work with what you've
CLARA picks up a joint and adjusts it in her roach clip. BETH reaches for a light.
Here, let me light that for you.
(holds joint out)
(she hits it, holds breath)
So, what did you do?
The hot guy and the flirty women…
Oh, that. Well, missy, I outwitted
them, that's what I did. I showed
just enough thigh and cleavage to
get his attention and invited him
in for a good home-cooked meal,
which I ordered in from a caterer,
And then I served dessert-and this
time it really was homemade.
Yes, I did. Brownies with enough pot
in them to paralyze Tommy Chong. He
loved them, ate three brownies and
asked me to marry him.
He did but I didn't. All I wanted
was the sex.
That's smart. You have to watch
these guys who always want commitment.
Most of them are only looking for
somebody to do their laundry.
GG enters from the backroom
You're taking in laundry now?
Let's hear it for one night stands!
Now, that's a cheery thought.
Gotta run. Got some more brownies in
(hands her baggie)
Here, don't forget your Wowie Maui.
Oh, yeah. I'd never get laid again
without this stuff.
in her bra, pats it)
Safest place. Nobody's going to put
his hand in an old lady's bra if he
can help it.
You have to admire her spirit.
Why, is she 76?
EARL enters and crosses to the table. He makes his way by bouncing off people, chairs, etc., like a pinball off bumpers. People remark as he passes. "Hang a left, Earl." "My fault, Earl." "Oops, look out there, Earl." He arrives at the table.
Like walkin' through a goddam mine
I thought you said you could sense
where things are, Earl.
I can. I've got radar like a bat
but people get in my way on purpose.
And furniture moves on me, too.
I think this place is full of
kinetic energy; stuff moves around
without a mover.
So we really don't need a Prime
Mover, then? Somebody should tell
He already knows. His people
stole the idea from Aristotle in the
Yeah, he knows that, too.
Got any free samples today?
That's redundant. Samples are always free.
Yeah. Isn't that cool?
(pushes baggie forward)
There's some Panama Red left.
Hey, that stuff will turn your
head inside out.
It worked for those robbers last
week. They turned Catholic and
joined a monastery.
(squeezes pot, frowns)
Did the Panama Red make 'em do that?
No, it was the flagellation. The nuns
beat the Devil out of them and that
meant they'd never have any fun again
so they signed up.
That's the saddest story I ever heard.
(lights pipe, inhales)
CLIENT calls out; holds cookie box aloft.
Hey, Gramps, any more cookies?
Which kind? Regular or designer?
The cheap ones.
In the back. Fresh out of the oven.
(starts out, calls)
Coming right up.
GG starts for the backroom just as DOC enters. He wears his usual blue scrubs.
The Doc's here, Earl.
Good. That means the patients at
the clinic are safe.
Shhh. Here he comes.
Nice crowd. Some of 'em even look
like real patients.
Hi, Doc. Drop any more hearts lately?
No, but I lost a liver this morning.
I just laid it down for a minute
and it disappeared. I think the
cat got it.
The cat ate a liver you were going
No, no. I already made the transplant.
This was the liver I took out.
Lucky for you, Doc. You have to watch
those cats. I had a cat once that ate
my last six pot plants and left me
without a roach in the house.
What did you do?
What else could I do? I smoked
GG enters from the backroom.
What else could he do?
Was that your seeing-eye cat, Earl?
'Course not. It's against the law
to smoke a seeing-eye cat. It'd
be like smoking Lassie.
Lassie's already been smoked. He
hasn't made a movie in 40 years.
(pointing to baggie
Is that Panama Red?
Yep, what's left of it.
Say, that's good weed. I heard
about those robbers. The say this
pot turned 'em into monks.
It was the nuns.
And a pair of cat-o'-nine-tails.
They call themselves flagellant nuns,
Say, I've got to go find that
liver. Let me have the rest of that
Panama Red. I'll give some to the cat
and make him come clean.
Don't waste good pot on a cat, Doc.
Give it to me and I'll help you
look for the liver.
Somehow, I think I'll have better
luck with the cat, Earl.
That's $200, Doc. A bit over half an
Good. A couple hits of this stuff
and that cat will be putty in my
(he starts out)
Let us know how it turns out.
He's feeding pot to a cat
to get a confession out of him. What
do you expect will happen?
I say the cat won't talk.
And I say he'll lead Doc straight to
that liver. Cats are intuitive;
they know what you're thinking. That's
why a cat always gets in the lap of
the one in the room who hates cats
CLIENT 1 sidles up and speaks guardedly.
Say, Gramps, there's a guy out front
who looks like he's casing the joint.
(all look toward
He's across the street, over by
GG, et al., move toward window.
Yeah, I see him. The big guy.
Where? I don't see him.
Right there. Next to the…
(looks at EARL, frowns)
He looks like a cop.
He is a cop. I'd guess his IQ is
about 85, he has a GED diploma,
and he's got a mean streak a mile wide.
Yeah, but it's also accurate.
He's new. I've never seen him before.
Maybe he's a Fed.
Naw, Feds have almost normal IQs.
This guy looks more like a security
guard at the mall.
What's he watching us for? We aren't
breaking any laws.
I don't know but keep an eye on
the asshole to make sure he doesn't
try anything funny.
He's coming this way!
Come on, don't let him see us
They retreat to the table and assume natural poses. The door opens and DET. SCHULTZ enters. He wears heavy black cop shoes and a Hawaiian shirt over khaki pants. His nose is red and Clintonesque indicating a preference for strong drink. He stops at the door and scans the place before advancing into the room.
CLIENTS turn and follow his progress through the eddying smoke. Just as he reaches the table, he turns quickly and everyone looks away and feigns disinterest.
(aside to BETH)
Switch the cookies!
BETH nods and slips away.
We're clean, copper.
Copper? Who says I'm a cop?
You do. You wear your shirt out to
hide your gun, you've got shifty
eyes, you're out of shape, and you
bought those shoes at the Police and
Firemen's Uniform Shop.
(fans away smoke)
Okay, I'm Lt. Shultz and you're violatin'
a state law against smoking in public
(reaches for ticket book)
That's a thousand buck fine and…
That's not smoke; it's medicine.
BETH is seen in background as she switches cookie boxes on the coffee table.
Medicine? Are you nuts? It's smoke.
It's also medicine, it's legal,
and you know it.
Isn't that right?
Crowd shouts agreement. "Damn right!" "You tell 'im, Gramps!" "Fuck, yeah!" Etc. BETH rejoins GG and places the box of regular cookies on the table.
Besides, this isn't a public building;
it's a private club.
Okay, I'll just have a look around
and make sure everything's on the
up and up.
Not without a warrant, you won't.
What warrant? I'm just lookin'
around. Can't a citizen come in and
(spots coffee table,
I mean, you've got coffee here-and
cookies, too. Now, that's right
neighborly. I could use a cup of
I take it the coffee's on the house?
See, we don't need any warrants. Just
a friendly call to get acquainted, is
(spoons in sugar)
We work together, that's the secret.
(cream, stirs, cranes
neck to scan room)
Try one of the cookies. Made
fresh this morning.
(takes one, suspiciously)
These aren't funny cookies, are they?
We don't give our designer cookies
away. If they're free, they must be okay.
Crowd watches the unfolding drama with bated breath. Some blow pot smoke in SCHULTZ's direction.
(fans smoke away)
That's what I figured.
SCHULTZ takes a bite of cookie and crowd grins and makes fist signs, etc.
I think I'll have one of those free
Yeah, me, too.
What the hell, if they're free…
Others chime in. "Hand me one!" "Pass the box around!" Etc.
Wait a minute now, boys, that's
our last box of cookies…!
No, it isn't. There's a new batch
in the oven right now.
Shut up, Earl!
EARL grins happily and chews away. Cookie box is passed around and empty box comes back to GG. He holds it upside down and shakes it.
(fans smoke away)
Say, these cookies are good! You
could charge two bucks apiece
I wouldn't be surprised.
And this coffee is terrific!
It's a special blend. It's got a
It's chocolate. Somebody dropped a
Mars bar in the pot.
Yeah, I can taste it.
GG looks at BETH and she shrugs.
As you can see, everything's kosher
here. We're strictly legal. All
these people are patients with
doctors' notes on file. No letter,
Let me see the letters.
Get a warrant.
The man has no class. We give
him six-dollar cookies and free
coffee and he wants to see the
books. Somebody oughta show the
asshole the door.
(puzzled, looks at
Six bucks? I thought they were free.
Earl's right, throw the bum out!
Others sing out. "Yeah, throw his ass out!" "Give him the ol' heave ho!" "Lose the bastard!"
assumes fighting stance)
Oh, yeah? Who's gonna throw my ass
(crowd is silent)
That's better. We're gonna have some
respect for the law around here
or I'll run the whole lot of you
Now, sergeant, there's no need for any
of that. We're law-abiding folks here.
We sell medical pot to patients.
Patients, my ass! You're a lot of dopers,
that's what you are. You sell poison
to addicts. You start kids off on
pot and then hook 'em on crack cocaine
and heroin. They oughta put your ass
away for life!
And you're an ignorant asshole. If you
don't have a goddam warrant, get the
hell out of here.
Door opens and the NUNS enter and head for the table.
The nuns are here.
All turn to look.
Hi, Grandpa! We're back!
Did they bring their whips with 'em?
Ladies, meet Corporal Schultz. He's a cop.
Oh, are you buying pot, too, Mr.
No, I'm, uh…
(proffers poor box)
Would you like to help the poor,
Well, I uh…
Don't be cheap. Throw a fifty
in the box. Maybe they'll knock some
time off your sentence in hell.
We can't really do that, of course, but
it comforts people if they think we can.
Sounds like a shell game to me.
We can pray for you, though.
It's only a dollar a minute…
That's cheaper than those porn sites
you watch, corporal.
(reaches for wallet)
Well, I guess I can chip in for the
Uh, the bishop prefers large bills;
it's easier to count the big ones.
20s in hand)
Uh, sure, uh…
2nd NUN reaches in and takes all of 'em.
That's very generous of you, Mr.
Schultz! The bishop will be pleased…
(bills into poor box)
And she never even used her whip!
SCHULTZ is confused momentarily and looks at the poor
box as if trying to figure out where his money went.
It's okay, Schultz. Remember, virtue is
its own reward.
(pulls list out)
Do you have any more Panama Red?
The monks want to sign up new members…
…and that pot is the best recruiting
tool ever! A few hits of Panama Red and
we can turn crooks into holy men
(aside, to GG)
Or holy men into crooks.
Ah, you're too late, Sister. Doc
got the last baggie half-an-hour
Uh, look, I, uh…
Hang on a minute, let me get their order.
We need one pound of Mexican, eight
ounces of Kentucky Blue, six oz. of Howie
Maui, six oz. of Cameroon Haze, and
six oz. of hash.
I don't suppose you brought your
whips, did you?
(whip out, snaps it)
We're flagellant nuns, remember. We
always have a whip handy in case
we come across somebody who needs a
I could use a good whipping.
Ease up, boys. The ladies are on
There you go. That comes to $7,200
and we throw in a free roach clip.
(camera on cheap clip)
1st NUN opens the poor box and dumps cash on the table. SCHULTZ gapes in awe at the mound of cash.
We had a good week at the parish.
It's an all-new plan. Instead of
assigning penance in confession, the
bishop fines them so much for
That's poor box money!
Not all of it. Some of it is fines.
Are you all right, Schultz?
Uh, sure. Uh…
(looks at smiling
What are you grinning at?
I'm not grinning.
Well, don't do it again. Grinning
at a cop is against the law.
Is it okay to laugh at a cop?
Everybody laughs except SCHULTZ who blinks and looks at BETH.
You got any more of those cookies?
Sure. Here you go.
(hands him a
You're all set, ladies. Tell the
bishop I said hi.
High. He'll like that. The bishop
is fond of puns.
The NUNS start out.
(to the NUNS)
Uh, should somebody go with you?
I mean, you could be robbed or…
That's very thoughtful of you,
(both pull out
whips, snap 'em)
…but nobody robs a flagellant nun!
CLIENT 2 pulls back in alarm as the NUNS leave.
You still here? Haven't you got
some widows to evict or orphans to
There's something funny goin' on here.
(fans smoke away)
I feel funny.
You look funny. Your face is all
blurry, like you're out of focus.
Yeah, even I can see that.
But am I out of focus or is there
something wrong with your vision?
Yeah, that's stoner logic, all right.
Look, Schultz, come back when you
stop feeling funny. We'll save some
cookies for you.
I'll give you some to take home.
(regular box-into baggie)
Come on, I'll help you across the street.
Yeah, I'll come back…
Remember, not a word to anybody. It's
Exactly. Here, takes some cookies.
(hands baggie over)
(takes SCHULTZ by arm)
Let's go, man. We don't want people
feeling funny around here.
EARL leads SCHULTZ out and guides him into things and people as they leave.
Works every time.
That's four now. We turn 'em into
stoners and that makes 'em nice guys
so they can't be cops anymore.
They retire on full disability and
never have to work again. They
should thank us.
They move to the front and watch as EARL guides SCHULTZ across the street. As we watch, EARL nearly drags the cop
in front of a passing car.
Evan Keliher ©2009