Evan Keliher ©2009
EXT. DAY. SHOT OF POT CLUB.
Getting toward noon. Sunny, bright. EARL approaches the club with the aid of his red-tipped white cane.
BETH is bending over the books at the center table. Place is empty except for the CHESS GUYS and GUITAR PLAYER playing softly. BETH looks up as EARL enters.
Earl. I thought you were going
Couldn't go. Car's in the shop.
You were going to drive downtown?
How else would I get there? You
ever take a bus in this town?
It's like riding with a bunch of
refugees fleeing a tsunami.
Earl, you don't have a car.
I do, too. I just don't drive it
as much as I used to.
(hands along table)
Any free samples?
(hands him a baggie)
Try this. Biker Bill just dropped
(opens baggie, smells pot)Vancouver, right?
One sniff and you can tell where
it came from? That's amazing!
No, it isn't. I met Biker Bill
on the way in.
Well, he claims it's high-grade
pot and it's only eight bucks a gram.
The price is right.
(lights pipe, inhales)
It should be; you got it free.
GG enters from backroom.
You back already, Earl?
He didn't go; his car broke down.
You don't want to know.
(points to keys)
Biker Bill just dropped off two
keys. Only $250 an oz.
Good price. How is it?
Very smooth with just a hint of
Biker Bill had a half-eaten Mars
bar in the baggie.
Hey, maybe we're onto something
here. Chocolate scented pot.
(takes baggie, sniffs)
We'll chop a Hershey bar up and
toss some in every baggie.
Or mints or cinnamon or…
Maybe we should get a patent…
A KID runs in and takes big gulps of pot smoke.
Hey, you! No kids allowed!
(starts toward him
You little scamp, I'll…!
(raises cane and
Hold him still and I'll brain
the little bastard!
(arm up in defensive
Careful with that cane, Earl!
The KID ducks and darts around and sucks in a peck or so of high-grade smoke before darting out and down the street.
This keeps up and they'll arrest
us for giving pot to minors.
It's this 'hood is what it is.
Too many crooks around here. It's
not safe for law abiding citizens
It's not the neighborhood; it's the
people in it. There's a gang on every
corner and never a cop in sight.
We're lucky. I heard the 7-Eleven
was robbed again the other day.
Maybe I should start packing heat
You show up with a gun and nobody
will come within a block of this
Yeah, how would you know where
to shoot, Earl?
That's the beauty of the thing.
When a blind man starts shooting,
everybody's a target. I can empty
a large auditorium in 20 second flat.
Besides, where would you get a gun?
I've already got a gun.
You think that gun will keep burglars out?
No, but my sign will.
The one that says "Blind man inside has gun."
Not only keeps burglars away,
even Mormon missionaries don't ring
Shit, King Kong wouldn't ring your
Door opens and MIKE enters. He's over 80 and looks it. He uses a cane and is unsteady on his feet.
It's Mike. How've you been, Mike?
I was just down at the clinic.
Doc says I've got a STD. Gave me
Where would you get an STD?
I have no idea.
Unless it was from Martha.
Or maybe Helen…or…
Or?! Jesus Christ, man, you're
getting laid more than I am!
(to EARL, grinning)
Yeah, how 'bout that?
You should be practicing safe sex.
Tell that to Martha-or Helen or…
How's the lumbago, Mike?
That's why I'm here. Ran out of
medicine again. Got any specials?
Biker Bill brought in some new pot
from Vancouver. Only 10 bucks a
Only 10 bucks, eh?
It's got just a hint of chocolate.
It's a new blend. Part marijuana and
part Mars bar.
Here, give her a try.
Can't. I'll take a quarter-oz. I'm
in a hurry. Sarah's waiting for me
in the car.
Sarah? Who the hell is Sarah?
Nurse. I found her over at the
clinic. We're on our way to lunch.
You keep it up and all this sex
will kill you, Mike.
Yeah, how 'bout that?
Here you go. That'll be $75.
Put it on my tab, will ya? I'll pay
you on the first.
What tab? We don't run tabs here.
We do now.
In that case, let me have an oz
of that Lady Godiva pot and I'll
pay up when Mike does.
Are you kidding? You already get
free pot. How do I know you'll
pay later when you never pay now?
You're right, I won't pay, but
we'll both feel better about it
if we pretend I will.
Why don't we just pretend I already
gave you an oz of pot? How's that
What?! Trying to rip off a blind man!
And me a war vet, too! Jesus Christ,
I thought you guys were Christians.
Now, wait a minute, Earl. There's
no need to start insulting people.
Yeah, that's slander. You could be
sued into poverty for calling
somebody a Christian.
enormity of it all)
Man, you're right. I don't know what
came over me. Something flashed in
front of me, like reality, maybe…
It was scary.
Maybe you're coming down, Earl.
It's what they call not being high.
EARL furrows his brow and thinks.
I don't think he grasps the concept.
If you're not stoned, then you come
And why would I want to do that?
Yeah, why would he want to do that?
Let's have some more of that Lady
(hands baggie to GG)
All produce pipes and prepare to toke up when the door opens and 1st DUDE enters. He looks around nervously as he moves to the table.
Good morning, sir. What can we
do for you?
I need some pot. How much is it?
First, you need a doctor's note
(shakes his head)
Shit, I don't have no note.
(pulls out gun)
All I got is this here gun…
Look out! He's got a gun!
Jesus Christ, the 7-Eleven is
across the street, Mac!
Get them hands up, motherfucker!
All raise hands.
(nods at doorway)
Bad move. People out there see us
and they'll know it's a robbery.
(looks at door)
Okay, put them hands down!
Is this your first stick-up?
You need a practice run.
I want the pot and all your cash.
Get movin' or I start shootin'!
We just opened up. We don't have any
Rule #1: case the joint, find out
where the cash is.
You got pot, motherfucker. Get some
pot out here an' be fuckin' quick
Okay, you win. Don't shoot
anybody; we'll give you the pot.
GG starts for the backroom; the chess players play on.
(lunges forward & flails
empty air with cane)
I got the bastard, Gramps!
All stare in amazement at EARL as he flails thin air.
What the fuck you doin', man?
(moving to EARL)
Earl! Are you nuts? Cut that out
before somebody gets hurt!
I almost had him, by god!
(lunges again where
Man, if you don't cut that shit
out, I'll…I'll shoot this here lady.
Me? You're supposed to shoot the men
and let the women go
Hey, I ain't gonna shoot no blind
man. What kind a guy you think I
(pushing EARL away)
Nobody's getting shot. Put the gun
away, pal. I'll get some pot.
As GG starts for the backroom 2nd DUDE enters, sees what's going on, and pulls out his own gun and gets the drop on the FIRST DUDE.
Drop the gun, asshole!
All freeze and 1st DUDE slowly lays gun on the table.
What the hell is this? A goddamn
Shut up, asshole! I want the cash
an' some pot. Get movin'!
They haven't got no cash, man.
They jus' opened up. Don't you
know you're supposed to case
the joint before you rob it?
Hey, if you're so smart, how come
I'm the one with the gun?
He's got a point there.
(they nod in agreement)
(waves gun, to GG)
Get that pot, man! I ain't got all
(starts for backroom)
Coming up, friend.
(takes EARL by the arm)
An' don't try nothing funny or
…I'll shoot this lady here!
Oh, no! Not again!
Am I wearing a target, for God's
sake? Did somebody stick a
SHOOT ME sign on my forehead? Did
you guys ever hear about chivalry?
(to 2nd DUDE)
Forget her. I'll get the pot.
GG leaves with EARL; BETH and robbers eye each other.
Say, man, you gonna give me some of
the pot, ain't you?
You crazy? Why would I give you
Shit, man, I was here first, you
know what I'm sayin'?
Ain't you never heard about
professional courtesy, man?
What I never heard about was a
courteous crook, asshole. So shut
up or else I'll…
BETH rolls her eyes as GG and EARL return with each carrying a 35-pound bale of pot wrapped in burlap. They drop the bales on the table.
How am I gonna carry all that
You could just take one.
This is Panama Red; it's $500 an oz…
No, that's Monterey Mex. It's
$80 an oz…
Are you sure? Wasn't the Panama Red
by the door?
(to 2nd DUDE)
Why don't you check 'em both out,
man? Then you'd be sure you got
the Panama Red.
Good idea. Here, let me get you a
Get me a pipe, too, man. The least
I can do is get me a smoke out of
all this shit.
BETH moves to the table and pulls some pot from GG's bale. She hands some to both robbers and EARL.
Here you go. This is Monterey
(hands pipes out to all)
We'll find out. Fill 'er up and
see if it passes the taste test.
I ain't got all day for this shit.
Who got a light?
BETH produces a lighter.
Take a good hit to get the full
effects of the pot.
Don't try nothin' funny or…
BETH moves behind GG. All light up and inhale mighty draughts of smoke, hold their breath, and exhale as one.
(to 2nd DUDE)
So, how is it?
Hmm. Good, man, this is good pot.
But is it Panama Red or Mexican?
I say this is Mexican. It's good but
the bouquet ain't right. It lacks
Yeah, the fragrance is weedy, man.
That's because we're burning weeds
here. When you burn weeds they won't
smell like pork chops.
But it kicks in real good, got a
nice little bump to it.
But I think it's Mexican. It doesn't
have much substance.
Yeah, like it's kind of thin. I like
thick smoke, the kind you can cut up
in chunks and carry home in a paper sack.
And it's got overtones of salsa, too.
You can taste it, man.
Salsa? We're not talking burritos
here. Who ever heard of salsa in
pot even if it is from Mexico.
Wait, maybe it's from those tamales
I got from the 7-Eleven.
You were in the 7-Eleven? Why didn't
you rob them since you were already
there, for Christ's sake?
They don't have any pot, that's why.
All nod, comment. "Good point." "Makes sense." Etc.
Well, let's make sure which one it is.
Give us some of the other bale, Beth.
And get some paper sacks so I can
take some home for my cat.
Since when have you had a cat?
Since last week, that's when. I got
him from one of those seeing-eye dog
schools. They ran out of dogs so they
gave me a seeing-eye cat.
So where is he?
He hasn't finished training yet.
They think he might have ADD.
Man, you can't train a seeing-eye
He's right. Cats won't take orders.
They have no talent for the job.
Oh, yeah? Cats are even better'n
dogs, especially at night. Dogs
can't see in the dark like a cat can.
Fuck the cat, man. We got a robbery
goin' on here. Open up that new bale
and let's get the show on the goddamn
road before I…
(looks around, BETH
(moves to table,
takes pot from bale)
Here we go. 500 bucks or 100? Which
pot is which?
GG hands pot to them and the inspect it.
Got good color.
An' a piquant aroma with a tiny bit
…a fruity taste…
…and buds the size of billiard
This must be the good stuff.
I gotta make sure. I don't want
to steal no cheap ganja.
Let's light 'er up and see.
BETH holds a lighter and others light their pipes. All take big hits of smoke, hold breath, exhale as one.
Man, this is the Red!
I can see! I can see!
A noble weed! And see how thick
the smoke is!
(waves at eddying smoke)
waving it into shirt)
Where's that paper bag?
(reaches for lighter)
This is killer weed, all right.
It makes me feel like a new man!
You mean like a new woman.
No, I don't.
(to 2nd DUDE)
Whatta you think?
You robbin' this place, man.
Now, you know that ain't right.
Who are you to tell me what's right,
dude? You were robbin' the place
Yeah, but this here Red ganja made
me see robbin' people ain't right.
I'm goin' straight, turnin' my life
around, and you should, too, man.
Okay, man, you're right. I don't want
to be a criminal; I'm gonna turn my
life over to Jesus!
Shit, that's a little extreme, isn't it?
Yeah,I think I like you better as
2nd DUDE puts his gun down on the table and the 1st DUDE grabs it and points at others.
Okay, asshole, who's the smart
All freeze as the door opens and the NUNS enter. 1st DUDE turns the gun on them.
1st DUDE (cont'd)
Hold it right there or I'll…
(points at BETH)
BETH shakes her head and ducks behind GG again.
Are we interrupting anything? We
could come back later…
…or we don't have to come back at all.
Shut up and get over here!
(gestures with gun)
Seemingly flustered, the SISTERS move as directed but a keen observer would notice that they both keep wary eyes on the robber as they acquiesce.
You might want to be careful
with that gun, sir. It's bad luck
to shoot a nun.
Oh, yeah? Who says so?
1st DUDE jerks the gun around and looks widely about for any danger. Quick as cats, the NUNS strike. Both reveal hidden cat-o-'nine-tail whips from their robes and commence lashing 1st DUDE in a fury. Alarmed, he drops the gun and throws up his hands to protect himself. GG beats 2nd DUDE to the gun and covers both robbers.
Good work, ladies! This guy will
never rob again!
Okay, boys. The jig is up.
Hey, man, that's racist shit.
That jig shit, man. You can't call
nobody a jig. I'll have the NAACP on
your racist ass.
Jesus Christ, you rob me and I have
to give you English lessons. It means
the game is up, asshole, you lose.
You'll get ten years for armed robbery…
He's not armed, man. That gun's not
real. It's a toy gun.
Jesus, that's the oldest trick in
the book. Who ever heard…
He's telling the truth. It's a revolver
and the cylinder is plugged.
And it says Mattell on the handle.
GG holds the gun up and all spot the Mattell logo.
(points at 1st DUDE)
Where's this guy's gun?
All look at the table where the 1st DUDE laid his gun and all start for it. GG grabs it and holds it on the robbers.
You mean this one?
Ain't real, man.
Hey, man, I ain't gonna use a real
gun. Somebody could get hurt.
Yeah, you think we're crazy, man?
So what do we do now?
The Devil makes them do it…
…and we know how to make him stop.
The NUNS advance on the robbers with whips at the ready.
You gonna whip the Devil out of us?
That's torture, man! Ain't that shit
DUDES are driven toward the backroom as NUNS advance.
Hey, watch it with that whip, lady!
The NUNS flail away as robbers flee to backroom.
I hope the Geneva Convention people
don't hear about this.
I say we go watch. I never saw
anybody get flagellated before.
They start for the backroom.
Hey, what am I supposed to do?
Alone, he shrugs and starts filling his pipe with Panama Red.
Guitar music up.