Written by John Peurach
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Sunday, 21 November 2010

image for Citizen Palin Did WHAT In The Woods? - Please Don't Ask/Don't Tell The Wildlife WHEN YOU GOTTA GO: Step gently through the woods future candidates, if ever you lie, or stoop to conquer.

NINILCHIK, ALASKA - There's an old, tried and true, bit of in-the-political-domain wisdom that has long been the rock solid alter on which many a Republican tea-bagger has laid their somewhat less than laurel-like wreath, so to speak.

"Never get caught in bed with a dead woman, or a live man."

Or, for the more exotic and/or totally free-thinking, hell bent for all the marbles in and out of the bag types, feel free to substitute "girl" and "boy" wherever necessary.

That is, if you haven't already.

Meanwhile, just to show that sometimes more inclusive, across the board, Blue State minded sentiments occasionally do present themselves to otherwise temporarily distracted members of the general public at large suddenly in a rush to address an emergency, and/or typically unavoidable, real life moment that all too often more or less exists (hopefully) nearby, if not entirely at hand, there's even more of a golden nugget chestnut out there commonly submitted for everyone's jump on board approval.

In other words, don't you-know-what where you eat.

Or, wherever it is you're currently expecting to hang a little more than just your hat. Especially, while affording yourself a highly recommended (or, so it would seem) stretch of (wink-wink) total-like shut-eye downtime, in order to refresh, refuel, and, in the end, (hopefully) renew the fake smile on your front page face, the faux-like concern where your now absent heart was once supposed to be, and, as always, the perpetual tire fire smoldering deep within your forever in need of deep sleep, rogue-a-long soul.

Okay, I won't, even though I just did.

In still other words, such was the consenting adult thrust of the ever so slight variation on said dueling cautionary themes which greeted Citizen Palin during a suspiciously undocumented recent morning after, somewhere in the way, way out beyond the back forty wilds of, yes, apparently her Alaska; when, through (hopefully, again) no one's fault but someone other than herself, former Madam politican/semi-high political office candidate woke up sharing some comfy forest floor confines, cozily sandwiched between a slumbering moose and, as luck, and an uncertain amount of wrong place/wrong time fur bearing fate would have it, a still loudly snoring Kodiak bear.

Adding a significant degree of mutually unscripted-like uh-oh reality to the whole under the cover of conveniently placed shrubbery arrangement was that, as far as the designated star of the show could then be made so fully aware, was the rather would-be unkind fact that no apparent non-union camera crew was there to otherwise document and/or capture her startling discovery of what she desperately hoped would quickly be written off as nothing more (and presumably everything less) than what strategically appeared to be all about the contrary.

Or, at the very least, something (anything) else entirely that could be hastily spun together and unprofessionally presented so as to provide any (as yet) unseen witnesses with enough ample evidence of nothing in particular to help better explain situations, and/or give enough room for any potentially suggestive situations to quickly be judged to be nothing, if not totally (then, until further notice), unequivocally, fair and balanced.

And, as such, more of an absolute is - not, rather than, perhaps, a was - what. For no other reason than maybe, well, just because, maybe baby.

Meaning, of course, Citizen Palin couldn't help but get the enquiring ball rolling when she breathlessly announced, somewhat more out loud than usual, to those curled up and otherwise decidedly assembled on either side if her, "What happened?" Quick, tell me, I've got to know!"

"You mean you don't remember?" said the Bear, still half-asleep.

"Remember what?" asked Citizen Palin, jumping up nervously, clutching desperately at her loose flowing, full-length down vest, so too much of something wasn't otherwise revealed.

The Bear rolled over and laughed.

"Remember what??" he said. "That's cute, I like that."

"Me, too," said the Moose suddenly into his pillow of leaves.

"What about you, too?" asked Citizen Palin, now more nervous than ever.

"Don't you mean, us three?" asked the Bear.

"Us three???" exclaimed Citizen Palin.

"Uh-huh," said the Bear. "You, me, and - "

"Him?" shouted Citizen Palin, as a whole new wave of shock and awe forced her to take a quick step backwards. "HIM?!!?"

"Mostly him," said the Bear. "But I helped."

"Indeed you did, sir," said the Moose. "And for that I am forever in your debt."

"You, me, and him??" screamed Citizen Palin. "HIM?? He is a him, right?"

"All him, I suppose," said the Bear. "But then, you'd know better than I would."

"What do you mean???" asked Citizen Palin, shivering now in the cold morning air.

"What do you mean, what do you mean?" said the Bear.

"You know, you, me, and him!" yelled Citizen Palin. "The three of us!!"

"Hot damn!" said the Moose. "Besides everything else, she can count, too. Who knew?"

Well, apparently no one really, since nobody else was there in the woods to hear even a tree fall. All of which contributed heavily to Citizen Palin's now somewhat severely elevated sense of overall total confusion.

And, in the end (or, almost the end) only added to what was quickly becoming a seemingly unnatural real life at it's worst, present tense-like situation that, until just moments ago, had been the exclusive well documented watch over property of whoever was responsible for maintaining the preferred state of constant surveillance-oriented supervision that comes with the reality-based territory when celebrity-like stars are followed around all day by an evermore widening assortment of various news and entertainment film crews determined to spotlight their would-be every move.

"I don't get it," said Citizen Palin.

"She doesn't get it, you hear that?" said the Bear nudging the Moose in the tail with his knee.

"I heard," said the Moose.

"What's to get?" asked Citizen Palin, now even more confused. (If that's possible.)

"Where do you want me to start?" asked the Bear.

"It's not where you start," said the Moose. "It's where you - ?"

"Finish, I know," said the Bear, interrupting.

"Ooooh, yeah, that was nice, wasn't it?" said the Moose, as if still lost in a dream.

"What was?" asked Citizen Palin, getting worried again..

"You really don't remember?" asked the Bear.

"Remember what???" screamed Citizen Palin.

"I find that really hard to believe," said the Bear, shaking his head, while reaching underneath his furry hips to locate who knows what.

"Accent on hard," said the Moose.

"What??" asked Citizen Palin. "What are you talking about? What do you keep alluding to, and trying to make me believe, and think like something actually happened??"

"Well, didn't it?" asked the Bear.

"It did for me," said the Moose.

"Same here," said the Bear.

"Wait a minute," said Citizen Palin. "You're not saying, what I think you're saying?"

"It doesn't matter what we're saying," said the Bear. "Especially with you already doing all the thinking."

"But, I'm not!" she exclaimed. "Really, I'm not!"

"Who says you're not?" asked the Bear.

"To tell you the truth, I don't know," said Citizen Palin. "Really. I mean, no, as far as I know."

The Bear gave her a look, then nodded suspiciously.

"Well then, what do you know?" asked the Bear.

"I just said, I don't know," said Citizen Palin. "But to be on the safe side, let's see the video, or any other tape that was shot, just to make sure."

"What tape?" asked the Bear.

"Whatever the film crew got," said Citizen Palin.

"Oh, that tape," said the Bear, rubbing his face with his big mangy paw.

"Yes, that tape," said Citizen Palin, after quickly pushing her glasses all the way back atop her button nose.

"What film crew?" asked the Moose.

"My film crew!" screamed Citizen Palin.

"You have a film crew?" asked the Bear.

"I do, I sure do!" yelled Citizen Palin.

"Wait a minute," said the Moose, looking at the Bear. "She has a film crew??"

"She has a film crew," said the Bear with anything but a totally perplexed shrug.

"Where?" asked the Moose, looking around. "I don't seem 'em."

"Well, they're supposed to be right here," said Citizen Palin, nervously looking every which way. "Or, around here somewhere."

"Right, where??" asked the Moose.

"Right here!" screamed Citizen Palin. "With, ME!! Only me!!!"

"What about us?" asked the Bear.

"Well, screw you!" yelled Citizen Palin. "In fact, screw you both."

"As I was saying," said the Bear. "Or, just getting to the good part."

Citizen Palin looked over at the Moose for any sort of response.

"To be, or not to be, what? Continued??" said the Moose, winking one eye, then the other. "Hell, I know it's not too late for me. But what about being just early enough for you?

"That's what you think," said Citizen Palin.

"Yeah, well, it's the thought that counts," said the Moose, winking both eyes at the same time.

'"Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh," said Citizen Palin, trying to hold back any horror that such thoughts might possess, even though she had no idea what was going on. "There will be no such thinking here. Not with me there won't!"

"And why is that?" asked the Bear.

"Cause it's my show," said Citizen Palin, smugly, suddenly full of a whole lot of overly inflated confidence.

"It's her show," said the Bear to the Moose..

"I heard," said the Moose.

"And it's all about me," said Citizen Palin. "I'm the star."

"She's the star," said the Bear to the Moose.

"Again, I heard," said the Moose.

"Quit it!" screamed Citizen Palin.

"Oh, so you do remember," said the Bear.

"Remember what?" asked Citizen Palin.

"At least something about last night," said the Bear.

"What about last night?" asked Citizen Palin, getting all nervous again.

"What was said," said the Bear.

"What about, what was said??" asked Citizen Palin.

"From what I remember, 'Quit it!'" said the Bear. "Over and over again, "Quit it!'"

"I never said that," said Citizen Palin.

"No, but I did," said the Moose..

"Me, too," said the Bear.

"You, too??"

"Plus you, that makes three," said the Bear.

"Such a nice number, that three" said the Moose.

"Almost as neat as the father, the sun and the….." said the Bear.

"Moon??" said the Moose.

"That, too," said the Bear.

"The moon???" asked Citizen Palin.

"Yeah, the moon," said the Bear. "Not all the time, but well, sometimes it helps."

"Especially when the night somehow winds up being a little longer than usual," said the Moose, rolling over to suddenly (and not exactly accidentally) expose more than his fair share of fully responsive south of the border antler, so to speak. "If you know what I mean."

Citizen Palin turned away in disgust. Then, with her arms stretched all the way out (and her down vest only slightly unhitched) she looked up into the sky and howled for a good thirty, or so, seconds.

"Feel better now?" asked the Bear, once Citizen Palin seemed to be finished with her howling.

"I'll say she does," said the Moose. "Better than ever."

Citizen Palin quickly began gathering up assorted articles of fine, expensive, clothing strewn everywhere in the nearby wooded vicinity.

"I don't believe this," said Citizen Palin. "This isn't real. This can't really be happening."

"Sure it is," said the Bear.

"But how can that be then?" asked Citizen Palin. "There's no film crew! No one to record what is going on, and what's going to happen next, and then, after a reasonably amount of pre-planning, and inevitable stop and starts, what happens soon enough after that. But only after being sweetened a bit in post-production."

"That's not reality," said the Bear.

"Well, buster, it sure is mine!" said Citizen Palin, in a totally, as expected, seething manner through her ultra-shiny, fully clinched teeth.

"This is yours, too, I think," said the Moose, suddenly holding up a super cute (and crimson) Victoria Secret "Hello Bombshell!" Miraculous Push-up Bra (with underwire cups).

Citizen Palin quickly snatched the oh so delicate (yet decidedly alluring, with just a hint of totally wicked behind closed doors and/or under-the-covers - but in a good way - you're the boss command) under garment from his hoof, and then stood up tall and proud to let both of the overgrown, sloth-like critters, still lounging about so lazily before her have it, with both barrels.

"Hear me now!" she said, at the top of her lungs. "Hear these words. I don't care what you two think, what you know, what you think you know, or insist you know about me, or anybody else who thinks and acts like me. This did not happen. You understand? None of it. Not this, or that. Especially that. It, like never happened. Seriously, it just, believe me, it never happened. Last night, today, right now, never happened! NEVER HAPPENED!!"

"What about tomorrow?" asked the Bear.

"Yeah, and all the days after that?" asked the Moose.

"Uh-uh, no way, you're not going to get me into that kind of trap," said Citizen Palin. "No can do. Not me, brother. I don't go that way."

"And what way is that?" asked the Bear.

"Whatever way you're thinking!" said Citizen Palin.

"Gee, I hope it's the same way I'm thinking," said the Moose.

"Oooooh, you make me sick," shouted Citizen Palin. "Both of you, you just make me make so sick and tired. Tired of everything. Tired of whatever it is you keep dreaming up to think you can put another hex on me, and in the end sit around and laugh and tell everyone how you hoodwinked me!"

"Well, not exactly," said the Bear. "But a couple of times I was pretty close."

"Me, too." said the Moose.

"Enough, ENOUGH!!" screamed Citizen Palin. "I will hear no more. This is not right. This is not my doing. This is all your invention. And, as such, it doesn't count. It's just one more totally calculated, and altogether mean-spirited intrusion into my present career path, that's been unnecessarily foisted upon not only me, the real me, I might add, plus the people I represent, the people who look up to me and are fully committed on board followers of me and everything I stand for, and more importantly, MY SHOW!! My totally holy mother of mercy all about ME, you betcha I'm up here in the great big snowy outdoors, mother of it all friggin' freakin' SHOW!!!"

"Does that include what the judges think?" asked the Bear. "Or, are we just counting all the excess votes of what certainly seems to be a more and more unfocused collection of highly partisan viewers each week?"

"Who said anything about 'Glee'?" asked the Moose. "And besides, one shouldn't be judged, or otherwise measured, by their experience alone. Unless of course they have no experience at all, in which case, that should be the sole criteria, right?"

Citizen Palin quickly gave the Bear and the Moose one final, long lasting, exasperated how-dare-you glance, then just as quickly spun on her heels and immediately marched away into another part of the forest.

"Don't go!" yelled the Bear.

"Have to!" said Citizen Palin without looking back. "Got work to do. More work than ever."

"But we were all just getting started here so nicely," said the Moose. "Now what?"

"Don't know, don't care!" yelled Citizen Palin back over her still slightly padded, yet now, delightfully half-exposed right shoulder.

"Sure you do!" shouted the Bear. "Or else you wouldn't be in such a hurry to run away and hide."

"I have no intention of hiding, either now, or any time in the near future!" yelled Citizen Palin.

"You go, girl!" shouted the Moose.

"I just have to find that film crew of mine before it's too late!" yelled Citizen Palin.

"Too late for what??" shouted the Bear.

"You'll see! And when you do, so will everyone else. And that'll mean that it really happened. That all of it really counted and wasn't just such a………." Citizen Palin kept yelling, as her strong and determined voice slowly faded away and was soon swallowed up by the overwhelming, noisy silence of the forbidding forest.

"A what??" the Moose asked the Bear. "I couldn't hear that last part."

"It really doesn't matter," said the Bear. "She's a bright girl, she'll figure it out eventually."

"You think so?" asked the Moose.

"Of course," said the Bear. "But that's not what's worrying me."

"No?" asked the Moose. "And what's worrying you?"

"That nobody else will." said the Bear. "Or, at least not until it's too late."

"Oh boy," said the Moose. "That'll be the day."

"Tell me about it," said the Bear.

"I will, but first, you tell me what's going on with that smell?" said the Moose.

"Smell?" asked the Bear. "What smell??"

"That smell, it's suddenly now everywhere," said the Moose. "Do you think it was her?"

"Oh, that smell," said the Bear.

"Yes, yes, that smell," said the Moose. "Who's to blame for leaving such a stink here so close to where we were, until moments ago, just starting to really enjoy ourselves, hmmm?"

"Must have been that guy who went running through here before you woke up," said the Bear.

"What guy?" asked the Moose.

"I don't know, some dude with a big ass pointy hat, wearing a long white robe, and sort of followed all around by a whole bunch of other people who didn't appear to think twice about where it was he was running off to," said the Bear.

"And where was that?" asked the Moose.

"Don't know," said the Bear. "But, wherever it was he sure seemed to be in a helluva hurry to get there."

"Well, better him than me," said the Moose. "At least not until after I've had my coffee and maybe a muffin, or two. After that it's, well, I don't think I have to draw you a picture."

"No, please don't," said the Bear. "And, for pity sake, do what you can to make sure any film crew still lurking around here doesn't sneak up on you to take a peek either."

"Have no fear," said the Moose. "They'll most likely be too busy getting more than their usual go-to B-roll, when it's time to go in for yet another up close and personal shot of you know who, to even start thinking twice about getting down and going wide with mine."

"Yeah, well, it's early yet," said the Bear.

"Or, so some of us would all still like to believe," said the Moose.

Cut! Print it!

-30-

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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