In the continued absence of crack Spoof Investigative reporter Earl Grey, still missing and presumed either dead, incarcerated or under going a messy divorce from Russian Spy Anna Chapman, The Spoof called upon Crack Female Reporter Chistianana Imahohre to face off with Afghan strongman, Hamid Karzai.
Christianana reports as follows filing from Dubai:
I was ushered into President Karzai's luxurious well guarded palace deep inside the city limits of Kabul, after being picked up by an armoured convoy,
stripped searched, blindfolded and given a fine Afghan opium laced joint to calm my nerves as well as my sexual arousal.
The President appeared much shorter than his pictures, even with the fur hat that looked like Lady Ga Ga's muff in one of her TV appearances.
Although he greeted me in his stocking feet, he was attired smartly in an Armani suit, Hermes tie, and what appeared to be a custom English tailored shirt with extra long cuffs to display some elegant jeweled cuff links in the shape of an elephant's engorged penis. Yes, they were THAT big!
Proffering me a seat in an decadently plush reclining chair with discreet stirrups, he made me feel welcome immediately with the offer of some opium laced thick tea with a delicate arrangement of poppies floating on top.
"Sit," he commanded in a soft voice, "pull your chair a bit closer and turn it like so....I love to look at your legs when you show them like that on American TV! I can almost see paradise and the promised land when you sit just so!
Despite this coarse approach, of course I was flattered that he noticed and launched into my interview.
Mr. President, you claim you only make $525 a month in your position, yet the American Government alone pours $5.7 billion a month into your government to distribute, plus you are getting untold millions from Iran, and who knows who else. Why do you take such a small salary when you could be stealing millions and no one would say anything!"
"Well, Chrisitanana, I can see now that you are more than a nice package with a superb pair , a nice ass, and great legs...you are obviously very sharp and have a keen nose for investigative journalism! It's very simple, I have no need of money, nor do I lust for it, I am a man of the people and have no need for material wealth, I leave that up to my family to pursue while I have more earthly needs which we'll discuss over lunch."
But Mr. President, that hat alone must have cost over 3 months salary, and these living accommodations are breathtaking, how do you manage when millions are suffering economic consequences all over the world?
"God provides, Christianana, and he seems to do a good job at it. Blessed be his name. And Morgan Stanley is a nice fellow too...and generous! And just between you and god's ears, the American's are really fucking dumb!"
Mr. President, I understand you have an extended family in the states with a string of Afghan restaurants all along the east coast, especially around the Washington Beltway, one in Boston as well as one in Chicago. Our efforts to retrieve tax returns on these have been blocked, but reports are that they have a cash flow over over $15M a month....and none of them seats over 8 people...how is that possible?
"Simple Chrisitanana, my brothers know how to turn tables...we make it on volume, and of course tips. A lot of business is conducted privately in our establishments, and the customers are happy to show their appreciation.
Oh, and before I forget, we do a lot of catering, and our take away business is pretty hot too!"
My understanding is that your brother Mahmoud is deeply involved in a possible scandal with the Kabul Bank, which many think will cause a run on the institution and bring ruin to the country. What do you say to that?
"Ahhh, that Mahmoud...always playing with numbers and talking about leverage....he spent too much time in the states with the infidels."
"It's not his fault. The Americans pressured the bank to lower interest rates and lend money to everybody. Then they fooled him into borrowing $15m which he invested into bank shares, then they convinced him to buy that $6m flat in Dubai on an interest only loan as a friend of Angelo Mozilo, , you know that Country Wide Financial CEO and personal friend to Chris Dodd and Charlie Wrangle (sic) over in your country."
"He just couldn't say no...but it will all work out. Just last week your
House Banking Chairman, Barney Frank, Blessed be his Name, assured me
there was no problem with the bank's accounts, and even offered Mahmoud a bigger line of credit. What could possibly go wrong?"
Well, for one thing Mr. President, Barney Frank just lost his chair position when the Republicans scored over 61 seats in the House, and picked up a bunch in the Senate....are you sure you can keep fooling these new folks on capital hill?
"Not to be crude, Cristianana, my little cupcake, but does a bear shit in the woods, do the poppies stop growing because of a bit of rain, does Obama have two more years in office, and doesn't Harry Reid control the Senate, and that pant suited croon still lead the democrats in the house.....tomorrow, tomorrow,...tomorrow will never come for us in Afghanistan...it is ordained!"
Are you saying Mr. President that war will never end in your country, and that foreign aid will continue to pour in till the end of time?
"End of time? That's a relative term my little pussy cat...let's just say for the foreseeable future, god be willing and the US printing presses don't break down...ha-ha! That's a joke, get it?"
Feeling shocked, dismayed and betrayed, I rose shakily to my feet and told Karzai I was feeling faint and needed to leave. He recoiled violently as I reached out to shake his hand.
"No, bitch....never touch me, you are unclean, and if you had touched me I would have been forced to have your hand taken off at the wrist!
Sorry you are feeling ill...perhaps another time when you're feeling better."
"Here, take these complimentary restaurant tickets for when you're back in the states and say hello to my brothers for me and make sure and let them know I am doing well. Also, tell them the other packages are on the way too....they'll get a blast out of that! Ha-Ha! Hey, that's a fucking joke...lighten up!"
As I hurriedly departed I cursed the Spoof for sending me on this assignment, and could only wonder, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO EARL....HE SHOULD HAVE HAD THIS FUCKING ASSIGNMENT! BASTARD!