Captain Morse scowled as he reviewed his 401k's, he realized the fatal mistake he had made converting his booty and doubloons into US currency, what had once been riches fit for a king to retire on in the shores of South Carolina were now but worthless paper.
"What a fool I have been, what kind of pirate would base his retirement based on a participant-directed plans. I should have stuck with gold seized by cutlass, terror and fire, curses you Hal Openo I should never have listened to you."
"Avast, avast, and avast again. My boots have had their fill of common clay I yearn to stride on oaken boards once more and earn my bread from blood and the sea once more, the days of living lifeless days ashore must pass for I yearn for the sea my true mistress forevermore. Could one conceive that a man trained in the good trade of joinery in our fine state of South Carolina should yearn longingly for the sea having spent his halcyon years plying his trade on billowing waves that now beckon him in such a comely fashion?"
"My mind reels like a young man infatuated with his first love for that is true that the sea is mine and makes me drunk with passion like grapes may not and surely not sour as they they may my taste for wild adventure and treasure that draws me so strongly to my task."
"So it is I must give up my clothes of "Best Grandad Ever" for the golden embroidery of that of Captain of HMS Buggerall for want of my meager savings which have now become buggerall in kind but not in kindness."
"Dinner's ready Steve, who are you talking to down there?"
"My good wife bekons me, my belly yearns not for food but for glory!"
"As a good captain I must chart my course for victory wisely with an honourable good crew to assist me our conjoined tasks of piracy, plunder, rape and debauchery"
"It sound like you've been watching those spiced rum commercials again Steve, hurry up before it gets cold."
"Again and again she calls, she knows not my torment, should I call on my faithful crew or should I strike anew with a crew of surplussed bankers from Lehman Brothers for they are the most wicked of pirates with no blood in their veins to shed in battle with weapons of steel."
"Oh my comrades, Cook Skoob, Mate Roy Turse, Pissgums, Chaplain Birbee, illegitimate Doctor Nicholas and Henman who guarded the hold so strongly would that I could share some grog with you on the heaving seas again."
"And can I ever forget the famous ladies who make my breast heave as strongly so - Miss Piebottom, Madame Bitters, and Lady Charpa of the long stockings. We must gather strongly to sail the seas and fight again."
"I heard that Steve, if you are looking at young ladies on the Internet and taking Viagara again I'm going out shopping and staying with the grandchildren for the weekend."