Written by Angry Scott
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Friday, 17 March 2006

image for Jesus breaks silence on Kanye West

After months of simple "No comments," Jesus has officially commented on the Rolling Stone magazine cover upon which writer/producer/rapper Kanye West is portrayed as Him.

"There's so much more going on in the world worth my attention - hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, nukes in North Korea and Iran, the Iraq War, bird flu, and Brad/Angelina - but all anyone ever wants to talk about is Kanye, Kanye, Kanye. So I'm gonna say what I have to say, and hope that we can all move on."

"As far as the comparison, I just don't get it. He's saying he empathizes with me because we were persecuted for saying unpopular things. The thing is, I was actually persecuted for what I said, and for Who I am. Kanye wasn't persecuted, he was mildly rebuked. And not for what he said, but for when he said it - at a time that could have cost donations for victims of a natural disaster. You know, the poor and downtrodden, the needy - the people who 'walked with me' during my time on Earth.

"I mean persecuted? Come on. Can someone explain to me how on Earth increased media coverage, increased record sales, and more cash in his pocket is persecution? 'Oh no, I'm even richer, boo-hoo!' Was he put through a mock trial by the very people he was sent to save? Was he whipped? Was his back stripped of flesh? Was he paraded around for people to spit on? Did he have garbage, urine, and feces thrown at him? Did he have nails driven through his wrists and feet, and was he hung in the air on a plank of wood, and have a spear driven through his chest? I don't think so. So what if Bill O'Reilly attacked what he said - O'Reilly attacks everybody. Had he been around during my time, I'm sure I would have been the subject of many Talking point memos.

"I really don't get the guy - first, he asks me for to Walk with Him. Then, he goes and exploits women in his videos, calling them names, using their sexuality to make himself more money. Is that what I would do? No. I would tell the "hos" to clean up their lives, to live modestly - I would never ask a woman to shake her child-bearing region for monetary gain. That's not how I roll.

"Don't get me wrong - if he wanted to hang out and talk about My Father, I'd be more than willing. If he wanted to do something to help the impoverished, the sick, and the needy, I'd be his right-hand man. I'd even be up for bowling, darts, or a game of pool. But I'm not going to be chillin' in any dirty music videos - he'll have to be content with Jamie Foxx.

"Now, with that said, I do have to compliment the lighting and make-up effects for the photograph. They were top-notch. And he did look alot more like me than that skinny, tall, pretty boy Jim Caviezel. I mean, hello, Mel, I'm Jewish. You should know that - it's in the Bible."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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