I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while. My life's become rather complicated lately. Since I wrote to you last I have run off with two acrobatic twins from the Moscow State Circus. We enjoy the most fantastic sex, sometimes without even being in the same room.
I had to leave Moscow suddenly because I murdered a babushka one morning at the bus stop. It was her or me. She was armed with a shopping bag and a collection of old hankies. It was quite a struggle, but I managed to win by distracting her. I pointed to the left and said "Putin!". She turned to look for the poster boy of Russia and I put the boot in.
So now I am hiding in the lost luggage office of Heathrow Terminal 4 (please don't tell anyone, I promise to rifle through the bags and find you something nice). I'll stay here until I've worked out where to go next. The twins are suggesting Bangkok. At least I think that's what they said....