Written by Ed Parnell
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Thursday, 16 March 2006

Hewson, Mathias and Welling have been dropped by Satan as PR representatives, we can exclusively reveal. For sometime now, the evil brand has been shown in a bad light, with rumours of people being prodded by pitchforks and even suffering burns in the eternal fires during their stays. But, as CEO Satan himself announced yesterday, now they have had enough.

“We cannot go on putting up with the poor job Hewson, Mathias and Welling have been doing” he said “especially when you consider that our competition has the image of some eternal paradise. It’s simply not pulling in the volume of visitors we are looking for,” he said.

Growth figures for hell have been rising for the past eight thousand years, though in recent times other outlets have offered similar damnation-type brands. Only last year, a company offered cut-price damnation, utilised by the economic use of energy to feed the fires of hell, flexiable working for pitchfork associates and a no frills eternity of pain. “Easy Damnation has really cornered the market in this quarter, giving us real cause for conern over our long term growth” said an annoyed Prince of Darkness.

But a spokesman for Hewson, Mathias and Welling was unrepentant, saying “We have tried over the millenia to make hell as appealing as possible, while entering into a long term media saturation policy. We have put placement advertising in many of the shows people watch, particularly shows like Can’t Sacrfice a Goat to Asimodious, Won’t Sacrfice a Goat to Asimodious.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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