Dear Doctor Dorothy,
Since being small, I have wanted to be pale and interesting. Unfortunately, I have always had a healthy complexion. Now I am a teenage emo, and I discovered if I give blood twice a day, I can get the complexion I desire. Slowly I am fitting in with my new friends. However, I find that I am losing all my energy, and I feel faint quite a lot. On top of this, I have lost the ability to maintain an erection. Should I stop giving blood and lose my lovely new lifestyle?
Paul Anderstin, Macclesfield
Dear Pale and Interesting,
It is quite acceptable to give blood twice a day, especially when you have a rare blood group. I feel you must have if the blood bank are not checking if you have been before. I applaud your social thoughtfulness, as most emus just let the blood go to waste. The dull, lifeless feeling accompanied with feeling faint is perfectly normal among emus, thus I can only conclude that you have full embraced this lifestyle and become as whining and full of self pity as the rest of them. Keep up the good work!