Having excitedly resigned myself to being the first* person to read the newly released autobiography** of our favourite WAG, Tania Tannedtobollocks, I am paid to share with you my findings.
Tania TTB: Behind the Wagging Tale is an interesting and heartfelt*** read; taking the reader**** through Tania's childhood on a rundown council estate, to her adulthood as an unfulfilled, domestically repressed adult slut-whore.
I could not fail to be touched by Mr and Mrs TTB's likening of the death of their beloved Chihuahua, MiniTTB, to the decline of the European monetary system. Tania emotionally quotes world renowned premiership footballer, Matthew TTB, as having said 'Oh. The dog's dead. Look at it laying there, all still and silent and rigid, on the Egyptian cotton towel. This is as thrilling as the decline of Europe's monetary system'.
According to rumour, although poignantly omitted from Tania's autobiography, Matthew then left Mrs TTB to 'deal with' the dog's body alone, whilst he visited a well-known whorehouse in Northwest Southwest Westwest London. The subsequent stories that a sink plunger was then used to extract semen from MiniTTB's lifeless body, for the purposes of creating a canine/WAG hybrid, are practically unfounded and very nearly almost ridiculous.
Tania's understandably cynical perspective of the world is poignant and superficial. As we all know, Mrs TTB has not had the most positive press in the past, mainly due to being a strumpet. Her unbiased and heartbreaking autobiography opens a whole new perspective; we feel Tania's pain as she describes that although pregnant with Matthew's baby, she was 'unable to resist the tempting urge to shag millionaire Spanish businessman, Maximillion Maximillion, because he had a lot of money'; we shed cursory tears as she tells how she felt so low during her 'anus horribulus' that she ate an entire reconstituted-meat nugget of some description; and we all clap and cheer as she chronicles the incredible moment Matthew inexplicably 'changed his ways' and she decided to live with him for like ever and ever, like a proper princess.
Before this euphoric high in her life, Tania's devoted husband was charitably fucking a lonely ninety-five year old prostitute from just around the corner, her cellulite had worsened to an almost entirely civilian level, and her teeth had faded to a working-class nicotine-yellow. It was only Tania's inner strength***** and self-love****** that pulled her through the dark tunnel of normality and into the 'glowing sunshine of the future'. It is inspirational to learn that Mr and Mrs TTB's child-of-undefined-ethnicity is an unaffected, wholly reasonable, secretly judgemental two-year-old. With a worryingly 'barking' tone. It just goes to show that when all is said and done; although Mrs TTB has the face of an expensively-disguised minger, the body of a coke-snorting, food-deprived, wife-or-girlfriend of a footballer, and the moral standing of a canine-loving two-bit ho, she is, after all, only human.
**ghost-written cauldron of gangrenous limpet-infested stagnant sea-water notebook scum
****fuckwit who paid £10.99 for this bollocks, and that's when it was on offer in Smiths. The accompanying full-priced Delia book has been put to very good use indeed. Perfectly boiled egg, anyone? Fuck. Dropped it.
***** incredibly warped sense of self-perspective