Written by birbee
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Tags: The Spoof

Friday, 8 October 2010

image for Born to Spoof Chapter 7: The Expended.

There was suddenly a hive of activity in the bar. Doormen appeared from no-where and everywhere, each one rapidly speaking into radios and rushing towards the door.

In the dark gloom, many of them tripped up and before long there was a big pile of blacksuited monkey men in the middle of the floor.

But still they appeared, and still they headed towards the front door.

From the distance, a loud knocking noise could be heard. A knocking so loud that, although it was in the distance, it was still loud.

Suddenly, amidst all the commotion, there was a bright flash and the sound of heavy gun fire. Into the bar flooded a mass of 80's muscle followed by a further mass of 90's muscle. Plus a bit of sweat.

It was, quite frankly, like a scene from a film. There were actors everywhere.

First up was Sylvester Stallone with a very large gun. He was shouting something incomprehensible, but the others all seemed to obey his commands. The 'others' were Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jason Statham, Terry Crews, Gary Daniels, and Steve Austin.

Masterchev, still supping Stout at the bar, glanced over his shoulder and carried on with his supping. He wished the barman would hurry back, his drink was getting dangerously low and all this noise was making him thirsty.

Amongst the flying knives, grenades, bullets and other deadly stuff, in walked #3 wearing nothing but a shitload of guns and a very small red bikini.

As soon as she entered, Willis disappeared and Austin disappeared, having encountered her before. That evened things up a bit, she thought, eight of the bastards left, one of me and I've only got six bullets even though I have fourteen guns.

From the left of the bar came a flare of light and a single shot. Jean Le Fete stood stock still and watchd as the bullet from his gun travelled in slow motion before passing through the head of Gary Daniels and lodging in the eye of Schwarzenegger.

Suddenly a whirring sound started and from the middle of the melee appeared the sight of Charpa and her nunchakus spinning so fast they were almost invisible. Within nano-seconds Statham and Li were gone, the odds were getting more even.

Carina fired, once...twice...thrice and for what seemed like minutes, nothing.

Then Lundgren, Rourke and Crews were joining the others on the floor.

Stallone was left standing, big big gun on his hip, when his hand flew to his neck, his eyes bulged and his legs gave way. He crumpled to the floor with a cry of 'Adrienne' and fell silent.

All eyes turned to Table 5 in the corner and there, with his back to the wall, was Morse with a blowpipe still to his lips.

He lowered the blowpipe before muttering "Expendables, my ass."

Skoob re-appeared from behind the bar and called over, "Cap, Cap. The usual??"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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