Professor Norton Folgate has a theory about trees.
And, as usual, he was only too willing to share his theory with us.
As it is too much like hard work to edit what the Prof witters on about, we are, once again, printing his latest theory in full.
"Trees are everywhere.
Most people think they are wonderful things. In fact there are some who go around hugging them.
Can you believe that? People hugging trees, real life trees, being hugged by proper people? Bloody Tree Huggers.
They stand there, all majestic, and wave their arms around, but I think they are more sinister.
They must be doing SOMETHING I once thought to myself, so I thought a little bit more, and I have discovered the truth.
The trees are taking over the world and are preparing to destroy it.
A sort of Arboretum of Death if you like.
What they do, you see, is they stand there with their feet in the ground and they make their feet grow and grow and grow so they are longer and longer.
In some cases the feet can be hundreds of feet long, in the case of really big trees.
In fact, the taller the tree then the longer the feet.
When I say feet, this is, of course, the correct term for what most people call roots.
Roots is the modern, Anglo-Saxon name.
Whilst appearing serene above the surface, the trees are working extremely hard below the surface absorbing water.
Now most people think they are doing this to enable themselves to grow and even encourage it, but in reality they are sucking the Earth dry, determined to cause total drought across the whole of the planet.
Global warming has nothing to do with CFCs, aerosols or leaded petrol but it is the trees that are killing the planet.
Eco-warriers are determined to prevent the felling of trees, without planting fourteen new saplings for every mature tree chopped, but they don't realise that they are actually aiding the destruction of the very planet on which they live."