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Thursday, 7 October 2010

image for New Bottled Water Launched by Water Utility Company Buy your tapwater in a bottle

A major water supplier in the south of England is launching a new bottled water which it says is as pure as the water you get from your tap.

They got the idea after a certain dark fizzy drink manufacturer tried to sell bottles of tap water from Sidcup, in Kent.

A spokesperson claims that the major bottled waters are all unpurified and therefore its new water, which it calls Limpido, and is, in essence, bottled tap water, is the purest on the market.

It comes in both still and fizzy varieties, in brightly coloured bottles, and costs just £1.30 for a 500ml bottle (that's 25,788% more than if you fill a glass from the tap).

To underline its purity they list all its ingredients on the label.

The label reads:


Ingredients:

Aqua, 1,2 dichloroethane, Aluminium, Ametryne, Ammonium, Antimony, Arsenic, Atrazine, Bentazone, Benzene, Benzol, Boron, Bromate, Bromoxynil, Cadmium, Carbendazim, Carbetamide, Chloride, Chlortoluron, Chromium, Clopyralid, Clostridium perfringens, Coliform bacteria, Copper, Cyanide, Detergent residues, Dibromochloromethane, Dicamba, Dichlobenil, Dichlorobromomethane, Dichlorprop, Diflufenican, Diuron, E. coli, Enterococci, Estrogen, Faeces, Fenoprop, Fluoride, Fluroxypyr, Hydrogen Ions, Indeno(1,2,3-cd)pyrene, Ioxynil, Iron, Isoproturon, Lead, Linuron, Manganese, MCPA, MCPB, Mecoprop, Mercury, Metaldehyde, Metazachlor, Monuron, Nickel, Nitrate, Nitrate/Nitrite, Nitrite, Pentachlorophenol, Picloram, Progesterone, Prometryn, Propazine, Propyzamide, Residual Disinfectant, Selenium, Simazine, Sodium, Sulphate, Tebuthiuron, Terbutryn, Testosterone, Tetrachloroethene, Tetrachloromethane, Tribromomethane, Trichloroethene, Trichloromethane, Triclopyr, Trihalomethanes, Urine.

Contains no artificial colourings or flavours.

Keep out of the reach of children. Do not drink more than one bottle per day. Known side-effects include rash, disease and death; if you notice any of these symptoms stop drinking and call a doctor.


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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