Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Monday, 4 October 2010

image for What is true coalition government? Government for the people, by the people, or something like that.

In current times, political parties and other pressure groups are more concerned with obtaining power, holding on to that power at all costs and protecting their own vested interests. They are less concerned with serving the very people who elected them and handed them that power.

Add to this, the influence of big business and the flow of targeted donations into the coffers of the political parties, and the picture gets even more murky. Cash for questions and honours for sale; we've been there before.

As most of our political parties seem to have abandoned their traditional ideologies and dogmas, for fear of spending years in the political wilderness, the fight for the middle ground has been on for some time. When one views the policies of Labour, the Lib Dems and the Tories (but not the Greens for obvious reasons), there is little more than the thickness of a pubic hair to separate them. Homogenised, sterile and populist policies have produced poltical parties and governments of a generic branding.

Looking at the current government, which is little more than a marriage of inconvenience between the Tories and the Lib Dems, perfectly illustrates the dilemma we face. Neither party had clear enough policies to offer a real choice to the voter. A desperately bad Labour government almost held on to power, because nobody knew what the others stood for.

But wait, today, the coalition has announced the end of a welfare benefit which is paid to people who earn more than 44 grand a year. Radical stuff, not. All this will do is to annoy Daily Mail readers, who, if they actually need child benefit, are reading the wrong fucking newspaper and should be reading the Sun or the Daily Star. A slim majority does not allow for much more than this. As the Australians have found, where the coalition government enjoys a majority of one vote (and if he happens to be asleep during a division, they are fucked), the country hangs in suspended animation.

What the country needs is broader coalition government, which involves a multitude of political parties, which can focus more clearly on different areas of policy. Under such an arrangement, one might see the Tories focus on the rural counties, the farmers, the fox hunters and the pearls and blue rinse brigade. Labour could focus on their own internal struggles and mounting a class war against the middle and upper classes. The Lib Dems could focus on the decriminalisation of drugs and allowing uncontrolled immigration. I'm not sure what else they would do. The Greens should never be elected, but, as a concession, could be allowed control of the Chelsea Flower Show and keeping motorway grass verges looking tidy.

The important policy areas require a fresh and renewed scrutiny by fresh and unencumbered minds. Imagine, for a moment, what this would be like. Let us consider just some of the possibilities for government policy.

All matters trade and industry could be given to the Socialist Workers Party. They could sack every board of directors, as well as all managers and hand control back to the workers. The coal and steel industries could be ressurrected and the ship yards could again build ships that nobody can afford to buy.

Responsibility for finance and the economy could be handed to Northern Rock and Ladbrokes.

Justice would be handed to the editorial board of the Daily Mail, who would reintroduce the death penalty, a 'three strikes and you're out' policy and the transportation of convicts to the Isle of Wight.

Defence could be contracted out to the French, who have such a proud record in the defence of their country. Never again would we need to feel threatened by a foreign power.

Health could be handed to a coalition of MacDonalds, Allied Distillers, Stella Artois and British & American Tobacco. Instead of discounting their prices, they could offer bargain basement health insurance to their customers, who could be more cheaply treated at hospitals in Croatia and Albania (where there are no waiting lists, because their entire populations live in the UK).

Education could be handed to Sky TV, Sony and Microsoft. The Discovery Channel could be expanded and educational games developed for the X-Box and PS3. Schools and universities would soon be obsolete.

Foreign policy, immigration and welfare could be given to the British National Party, allowing for anybody who's great great great grandfather was not born within the sound of Bow Bells to be deported. They would also ensure that anybody, with better than a Year 8 education, would be ineligible for welfare benefits and reduce overseas aid expenditure to around a tenner a year.

Transport could best be managed by the Top Gear production team, who would abolish bus lanes and railway lines to make way for more cars. Cars with the least number of horsepower would be taxed the most and Ferraris would be subsidised, making them as affordable as a Ford Focus.

Responsibility for women's affairs could be handed over to Trinny and Susannah, ably supported by Delia Smith and Anne Widecombe. The Lesbian Fisting and Strap-On Party would look after minority interest groups.

The environment could be managed by BP, Shell and Esso. The polar ice caps would be towed away to allow for unhindered oil exploration, followed by digging up the coast of Alaska and drilling in some of the planets most beautiful places. Cheap petrol, and the resulting increase in the earth's temperature, would lessen the burden on the electricity and gas companies.

Child safety could be handed to the Catholic Church, under the supervison of the Scouts and Boys Brigade.

The list is endless, as are the possibilities. There are many people and groups who can contribute to good coalition government. Should they ever do so, it may be worth volunteering to help populate the recently discovered planet, which is believed to support human life.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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