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Friday, 1 October 2010

image for The Future of Climate Shame

Step into the future with me now. It is October 21st 2025. Flying cars mostly Deloren's and Porsche's fill the sky, hyper-speed internet connected via your cyborg style cerebral cortex proliferates widely and robots control the public service and are oddly just as inefficient and socialist as humans were.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is President of the United States after defeating President Sarah Palin in the now ritual town hall, nude jelly wrestling Presidential debate. Which was coincidentally shown live on CNN across the globe and strikingly reminiscent of the 80's comedy "Stripes".

Democracy has been replaced with winner take all nude jelly wrestling!

Despite knowing she'd lose to Arnie, Palin repeals the non-national alien law that applies to the office of President and graciously acquiesces to Mr. Schwarzenegger's superior nude jelly wrestling skills.

Palin has retired and is now in a senior citizens home in Alaska. Her interests include holograph moose hunting on Sundays, seniors beauty pageants of a summer and ensuring her husband doesn't get at the "special blue pills" in the bathroom cabinet.

An oddly dapper looking Bill Gates has invented a glass container that can hold deceased heads and re-animate the deceased, inspired of-cause by Futurama.

Richard Nixon and LBJ are hastily re-animated for humorous posterity and Bill makes sure he is next in line, just in case his age altering plastic surgery fails.

Albert Arnold Gore is now in retirement. At the ripe old age of 77, the battle scared socialist and former Vice President, still remembers November 2000, when George W took the Presidency that should have been his!

The former Vice President sitting on his porch in his childhood home Carthage, Tennessee, waxes lyrical with the aged baby boomers of the latter half of the 20th Century.

His manner is oddly like that of Grandpa Simpson, and he enjoys laughing at the Simpson's 45th Anniversary show, after having a grandchild comment on that exact resemblance.

After the market crisis of 2019, presided over by Fed Reserve Chairman Tim Geithiner Jr, Al's superannuation and other retirement benefits were burnt in the collapse of the Draxor-Prime housing bubble that sent the market and debt collectors knocking.

With his business and personal interests bankrupted by the next generation of crafty political and economic operators, like many of his generation, he returns with what is left of his meagre savings and pension to his home town.

The alien invasion of 2016, is a distant memory after Will Smith and Bill Pullman team up to lead an Independence movement to rid earth of the aliens and Michael Jackson merchandise.

Being spectacularly successful, their visage is now immortalised in a bronze bust commemorating the Battle of Madison Square Garden.

Chewing graciously on his legalised medical marijuana pipe, Mr Gore, remembers in conversation with his grand-children the December day in 2009, when the Cap and Trade movement died. It was in a town called Copenhagen.

After putting all that effort into trying to save the planet from dangerous climate change, Al is content to sit on his front porch with Hawaiian t-shirt and sun-screen, remembering a time when there used to be a thing called snow in the North, in December.

Quietly and self-righteously he rambles the words "I told you so!" to young and old passers-by. Gore is ultra content!

His self-righteousness egotism was correct after all! Bug-eyed hereditary peer Lord Christopher Monckton and Australian Senator Barnaby Joyce sit side by side in the Bill Gates' re-animation facility.

Content to argue over who was more influential in the carbon based denier conspiracy that tricked the world and put Mr. Gore in his place, theirs after all is an argument that has had its day.

Meanwhile at the United Nations HQ in New York, Secretary General Kevin Rudd has finally decided on the wording for his final statement as Secretary General. This marks the end of an uneventful reign.

His primary concern is calling on all members of the International community to intervene in the Moon Crisis after several reports that battles for control of the Terrae Strip between moon based Israeli and Palestinians has flared again.

Mr Rudd also rails against the relocation program that saw the Palestinians forcibly relocated to the moon after World War III.

In his final comments Mr. Rudd pays tribute to Al Gore for championing the cause of Climate Change and commits 1.5 Trillion of the UN's newly created World Pope Dollar's to begin re-surfacing both the north and south polar ice caps with a Canadian invented inter-glacial Zamboni restoration machine.

It's intent is to restore regular temperatures and hence sea levels so that the climate issue can finally be resolved and maybe return snow to North America in winter.

It is a bold step considering how out of whack weather patterns are now. Al turns off his outdated HD radio and stares off into the distant space of inefficient farm land, that the Social Democrats subsidised out of existence in the latter part of the 20th Century and the first part of the 21st Century.

Waiting quietly, Al's day nurse appears with the special "red pill" and says, "yes Al, you were right, now lets get you to bed for your afternoon nap".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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