Written by kslaught
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Tags: anger, Guns

Thursday, 30 September 2010

image for Anger Universalist Church Of America - Preserving Our Freedoms Little Willie

Welcome And Greeting

Welcome to the Anger Universalist Church of America,
where our mission is to practice compassion-
bashing and to serve our own agenda.

Today's Theme

The theme of today's service is "Preserving Our Freedoms".
Our minister is special guest Father Ken. Assisting him will be Deacon Stephen, a real beacon in the community. Please feel free to meet and greet him.

Opening Words

We do Unitarianism the "right" way. It is our tradition to use your traditions to further our own church. The service today has a Catholic flavor with a twist of relevance. We celebrate the Holy Sacrifice Of Community instead of that old-fashioned, boring Mass.

After the service we will have the first-ever Blessing of the Guns. Hopefully you all brought your weapons with you to church.

SERMON - by Father Ken

"Good morning. My name is Father Ken.

Welcome to our second service at the AUA, in which we honor the Second Amendment.

Nice to see so many hot little "pieces" out there in the congregation - ha, ha. I am as close to a priest as you will find in this church. Back at the seminary, they call me a 'rogue', like Sarah Palin. I'm a pretty funny guy, as you can see. But, hey, if you can't laugh…

Having grown up in Alaaaska, like Sarah and Bristol, I owned a pistol at a very early age.

When I was young, I shot squirrels and rabbits with that gun, and almost hit my brother Steve a couple of times - fortunately, I missed. Or maybe I hit him in the head and it just bounced off!! Sorry, I digress again with humor.

Anyway, I loved that gun, took it to bed with me at night, and said prayers with it. I even gave it a name.

Actually, I have the little guy right here. Let me just pull Willie out here and show you!! Didn't think a priest would have one this long, did you? Wish Sarah were here to see this!!

My friends, this here is much more than a gun. It represents a 'package' of freedoms, if you will. This package can be measured in inches. When our country was founded, we had a good six to ten inches of freedom. Since then, the Lorraine Bobbits of the socialist media have chopped away at it. Let me tell you - shrinkage has occurred!!

You see that young man up there on the cross?? pointing the gun at the crucifix. Why do you think He died? To preserve our freedoms, that's why! This is personal for me. They're out to take my Willie away, and I'm not gonna let it happen!!

Gun discharges, bouncing off of Christ's chest. Congregation ducks. Fortunately the bullet doesn't hit anyone.

Oops, loaded again!! Almost nailed the DRE! Sorry, Doris! He, he. Gotta be more careful! Hey, if you can't laugh… Good thing Christ was already dead, ha, ha…"

Deacon Stephen grabs the microphone. "Just put little Willie down. Put him down here on the altar, Father. That's right."

"Calm down everyone, please. Just calm down. Breathe. Let's focus on our breathing and mediate about our freedoms for a moment. Now, slowly, rise up into your seats … everything is OK. Father Ken gets very passionate about his sermons some times.

Now for some good news. We have received the blessing of the Holy Father and the NRA to offer a very special Holy Communion. Wafers molded to the shape of tiny handguns will be distributed. So please, stay for the rest of the service, and for the blessing of the guns afterward.

Please rise now, as you are willing and able. Don't be afraid, it's OK.

Let's all sing Hymn Number Eight Fightin' Side Of Me, by Merle Haggard."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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