Written by Temerius Frost
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Tags: cherry, Grease

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Ponder with me, if you will, a cherry: Red, spherical, succulent, jarred, canned, solid, seeded, etc. Now imagine that YOU are a cherry: Red, spherical, succulent, jarred, canned, solid, seeded, etc. Now, I can say with a reasonable certainty that you, as a cherry, would be a most boring person to converse with. So I ask you, why? But before I do, let us consider a few points.

First and foremost, we must put ourselves into the shoes of a cherry in order to better understand our fruit-psyche. Commercial cherries begin as a green, earthy color when they are picked in the cherry groves of...wherever cherry groves are. They are then poured into vats of bleach. They are then poured into vats of red food coloring. They are then jarred. They are then sold. They are then eaten.

So, considering now the question posed above: Why? Why would you, or I, as a cherry be, with a reasonable certainty, a most boring person to converse with? Assuming of course that we had been a cherry since birth, the origin of the answer to our query would be found in the cherry groves of...wherever cherry groves are. For the sake of our discussion, let us begin as a green, earthy colored cherry.

Do not imagine for a moment that our status as a fruit is that which makes us a boring person to converse with. For, in our natural state of being, we would make very good conversationalists. However, lacking the normal means of communication that most humans possess, we must express ourselves in different ways.

For instance, by secreting our juices through our lateral dorsal pores, we can express anger. By secreting them through the opposite side, we can express just the opposite. The trick to communicating with a cherry is similar to that of understanding an alethiometer.

You must be able to read the different depths of the meaning of the secretions. For example, secreting juice through several different combinations of sets of pores can convey a meaning deeper than can be expressed simply through secreting through just one set of pores.

NOW! You may be asking yourselves, "Well shoot Temerius, you told me that you, or I, as a cherry, would be a boring conversationalist. This just makes cherries sound more interesting to talk to than I ever imagined possible." And you would be right. Cherries, in their natural state, can hold a great number of stimulating conversations and debates if one can properly interpret their secretions.

However, as you may imagine, the process of being dipped into bleach could very greatly reduce any one organism's capacity for intellectual conversations. And therein lies the problem, and the solution. In order to once again resume correspondence with our fruit-based brethren, we must cease marinating them in vats of bleach.

For no amount of aesthetic appeal can make a cherry, or any other organism apart from a bag of brown sugar more interesting if they can no longer converse. That is why.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

110 readers are online right now!

Go to top