Written by mikewadestr
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Monday, 27 September 2010

Antarctica snow cone king, Jason Symbol, has petitioned United States president Barack Obama for a bailout for his failing snow cone business that is located at McMurdo station on Ross Island. Ross Island is located in the Ross Sea, just off the coast of Victoria Land in McMurdo Sound, which is located just off the coast of the continent of Antarctica.

Apparently, twelve year old Jason Symbol, who has been running a snow cone business out of a makeshift wooden stand since mid September, has been hit by the great recession that has engulfed the entire country of the United States of America.

Basically, for Jason Symbol, business, as of late, really sucks. Not that business was anywhere close to being great in the first place, but, then again, honestly, does that really matter?

"I haven't sold a damn snow cone since I opened this business", whined a distraught Symbol. "Man, this was the best idea that I had ever came up with since I moved here with my aunt, Mrs. Crank. It is probably better than Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Leastways, as far as I can tell. Just look around. Do you see any other snow cone businesses on this island? Geez, I have a total monopoly".

"Why should all the bigwigs get all the bailout money for totally screwing up? I mean, I'm just an everyday working Joe that is trying to eke out a living. I am doing something constructive, not like those screw ups on Wall Street, who are taking everyone's money and buying condos in Zimbabwe. You would think that Obama would be coming here himself and shaking my hand".

Records show that Symbol is indebted to his aunt Crank, who loaned him twenty eight bucks for start up costs. He is, also, indebted to the local bully Bugger Maloney, who gave him the wood for the stand, who Maloney has valued at twelve bucks.

Symbol's aunt, Mrs. Crank, is a scientist at McMurdo Station who has specialized in the DNA cross breeding of Antarctica lichen with American earth worms that were put under intense radiation to accelerate growth. She has been doing this for the last forty years.

If you look at the US Congress today, you would have to say that she has been quite successful!

When we asked Mrs. Crank about the loan that she gave to Jason Symbol, she responded:

"Who is that little twerp kidding? I never loaned him anything. As a matter of fact, that piece of crap stole the money out of my purse. It was the only money I had to buy tampons for my menstrual cycle that hit on the weekend that he stole it. What was really bad is that I could not get any cash from the base's damn ATM, which happened to be frozen that weekend".

"Needless to say, it was a really bad weekend'.

Symbol, is not so much concerned about his aunt Crank. It is the persistent pestering of Bugger Maloney, who claims to have stolen the wood from some kid's tree house.

Strange, as it may sound, no one could find any trees on Ross Island that could hold a tree house. As a matter of fact, no one could find any trees on Ross Island, at all!

Needless to say, Bugger Maloney has threatened to re-arrange Symbol's face, if he does not give him the twelve bucks for the wood that he claims to have stolen from a local tree house.

This could be a good thing, or a bad thing, depending on what you think about how Jason Symbols' face looks like now.

In unrelated Antarctica news, two scientists, who were working in a satellite shack on Ross Island, were found in their beds frozen to death. Apparently, someone had taken all the wood from the shack's frame while they were asleep, causing them to die from exposure.

The police have said that the investigation is ongoing.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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