Written by anthonyrosania
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Monday, 27 September 2010

image for Hey, Blockbuster Video: Do You Know Why I Haven't rented a video From You in Five Years? Blockbuster: As relevant as VHS tapes.

Hey, Blockbuster Video: Do you know why I haven't rented a video from you in five years?

Because I f--king hate you.

Every time I rented something there, I forgot about it. Actually, I didn't forget. I was just too damned lazy to bring the movie back. So I kept it out a day or two too long, which racked up a big bill when I finally did bring it back.

F--k you and your late fees. It is what drove me, and 3/4 of your customer base, away. If you figure out how to make a billion dollars in debt disappear, and you do stay open, you couldn't get me to breach your door's threshold if you ran a rent-a-video-and-get-hand-relief weekend special.

Didn't you learn your lesson in 2005? You settled that lawsuit for double-dipping, because you were automatically charging people the full replacement cost of a movie if they kept the movie out for more than a week, and then charging a $1.25 "restocking fee" to anyone who brought back a movie Blockbuster had declared lost, you hideous, greedy, exploitative little f--ktards.

And just because it didn't get a lot of press, I still know what you did last summer, and how you jacked up your company's net worth by listing potential fees as accounts payable. It damned-near crosses the line into criminality.

DID BLOCKBUSTER LIST LATE FEES AS ASSETS?

You're darned-tooting they did. When applying for credit in 2007, Blockbuster listed nearly $303 million in arbitrary penalties and late fees --including late fees for returned videos, which they had no expectation of actually collecting-- as 'accounts payable'. Considering penny-ante, bullsh-t debts its former customers theoretically owe as assets on its balance sheet is just wrong. Hey, Blockbuster, Karma is waiting for you at your car, with a billy-club in its hand.

Remember how much glee you took chasing mom-and-pop video retailers out of business? Recall pushing the Erol's Video chain to the brink of bankruptcy, and then bought it for a song?

"Make it a Blockbuster night?" Sorry, I don't enjoy lying to creditors or driving small business owners to the poorhouse.

And what of your plan to put one of your sickeningly canary yellow and blue affronts to humanity on every f--king streetcorner in America. You especially targeted lower income areas, and then bragged about it.

Gentrification, you called it? How does exploiting a downtrodden community, shipping off dollars better-spent on local businesses to the Blockbuster Death Star in Florida, constitute gentrification?

Every time I think of walking through your stores -- all action-movie trialers played on overhead TV screens, and employees 'greeting' me by shouting 'Welcome to Blockbuster' at me from that monolithic front-desk area, next to the overpriced popcorn, candy and soda you used to further pad your P&L statement-- it makes me want to throw a handful of dirt onto your casket.

WHY WAS YOUR MEMBERSHIP CARD SO BIG?

Why the hell did you make your membership card bigger than a credit card? It didn't fit properly into anyone's wallet. And God forbid you tried to rent "Speed 2" without it. Does your arrogance know no bounds? Wait, I should say 'did', because you are done-for.

And what about Netflix? You waited 7 years to realize the threat Netflix posed when the mail-order business started up. It would have been worth it; Netflix took in $1.3 billion last year.

And what about Redbox's $1-a-night DVD vending machines? ON behalf of every shareholder f--ked over by your mismanagement, why weren't there competing Blockbuster-branded 'blueboxes' on every streetcorner? Your stores were so poorly managed, an entire wing of the internet had to be started just to house all the Blockbuster-bashing blogs that existed.

Or weren't you aware of that either?

'Bankruptcy Now', I'll chant, from the highest mountain. And, no, I ain't giving you my new address, because I'm sure you'll bill me for the late fees on The Tao Of Steve that I still owe you.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

77 readers are online right now!

Go to top