Written by Ozone91
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Friday, 24 September 2010

With the England squad due to tour Australia this winter announced today, we profile the men who will be going own Under to lose the Ashes.

Andrew Strauss - England Captain and all round nice guy despite being born in South Africa, Strauss is apparently not good enough to play one day cricket for England. However, if your name isn't Darren Gough, Alec Stewart or Derek Pringle, Strauss has been head and shoulders above the rest of England's batsmen for the past 18 months and will be key in Australia.

Alistair Cook - A solid if unspectacular opener, England's captain in waiting is sure to be 'targeted' by the Australians and so this tour could be the making of him.

James Anderson - Swinger ranked number 4 in the world, male model Anderson is sure to break some hearts when he goes Down Under.

Ian Bell - The best nets batsman in the world, Bell consistently produces top quality performances in the domestic game. However, in International cricket, the opposition aren't part-time plumbers, so he hasn't fully produced the goods at the highest level. Still, there's a first time for everything...

Tim Bresnan - Barring injury, unlikely to play in the tests, Bresnan has been taken on the tour to give Swann someone to focus his 'banter' on. Obviously a good lad, perhaps lacks the spark needed to take on the Aussies.

Stuart Broad - Baby-faced good looks, Broad is the angriest player in world cricket but gets away with murder because his Dad is a match referee. Will be a key player if England are to compete.

Paul Collingwood - Two words. Gritty, Northerner. Painful to watch, but if you had to pick one of the England batsman to bat for your life, Collingwood would be that man.

Steve Davies - Davies is a 6 time world champion who has been playing professional snooker since 1978. In his spare time, he is a young wicket-keeper batsman who has already been compared to both Alec Stewart and Adam Gilchrist.

Steven Finn - Englands (semi) secret weapon, Finn already has a reputation almost as tall as he is. 'The next Glenn McGrath' hasn't yet been tested against a World Class batting attack.

Eoin Morgan - An example of Englands ethnic selection policy, Irishman Morgan is best known for his strong wrist-work.

Monty Panesar - Previously English crickets best thing since sliced bread, the Sikh of Tweek is best known for wearing a turban, his outrageous wicket celebrations and being able to not get out for 9 overs in Cardiff in 2009.

Kevin Pietersen - Modest, English and easy to work with are three things Kevin Pietersen isn't. However, he was, once (for about a week-and-a-half), the best batsman in the world. Should be alright in Australia because they lack a Left arm spin bowler.

Matt Prior - Wicket-keeper and team uggo, Prior has actually turned into quite a good cricketer, but is still batting well above his average with a wife as fit as his.

Graeme Swann - The second best bowler in the world, Swann has a strange affinity for cats, risking his freedom to save one from under his floorboards. With more banter than Darren Gough, Swann is without doubt Englands best hope of retaining the Urn.

Jonathan Trott - South African fighter Trott plays for England as part of the English Quota scheme. One of thoses batsmen who you want to do well because he's playing for England, but don't really like very much.

Chris Tremlett - Lanky streak of P*ss, most observers were shocked that Tremlett made it through the 2010 season uninjured. Could provide England with something a bit different on Australians wickets.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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