Written by Karen Fish
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Saturday, 18 September 2010

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In his sermon today at Westminster Cathedral Pope Benedict XVI surprised the world by canonizing Mother Teresa.

Pope Benedict canonized Mother Teresa and then immediately proclaimed her the fourth Patron Saint of Bees.

Here is the text of Pope Benedict's canonization sermon today:

Dear friends in Christ,

The visitor to this cathedral cannot fail to be struck by the great crucifix dominating the nave, which portrays Christ's body, crushed by suffering, overwhelmed by sorrow, the innocent victim whose death has reconciled us with the Father and given us a share in the very life of God. The Lord's outstretched arms seem to embrace this entire Church, lifting up to the Father all the ranks of the faithful who gather around the altar of the eucharistic sacrifice and share in its fruits.

I asked sister Mary Catherine how she got her car into Westminster Cathedral. She said, 'I took a rite at the altar.' The Catholic Church does not permit female priests. How would you call a woman 'Father'? It is with great joy today that on behalf of the Holy See I announce the canonization of Mother Teresa as the newest Catholic Saint. The College of Cardinals has appointed Mother Teresa the fourth patron Saint of Bees. It doesn't seem that the other three are working that well.

As the protesters outside seem obsessed with child sodomy, we have far more important matters to worry about. Because of Honey Bee Depopulation Syndrome (HBDS) not to be confused with BDSM, aka Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD), not to bee confused with CDC, we are on the verge of losing one third of the world's fruit and food supply. The scientists have not yet discovered the cause of Colony Collapse Disorder but the Catholic Church has been warning for years about the dangers of condom use.

The pollination of agricultural crops by bees and the pollination of women are not that dissimilar. In the canonization investigation we discovered that prior to joining the Church Mother Teresa had a very active sex life, along the lines of Ines Sainz. Ms. Sainz' canonization prospects recently took a dive, despite her adoption of the word's smallest cow, 'Swallow'.

We felt that today Yom Kippur 2010 was the right day to make Mother Teresa a Saint. Jesus Christ, nailed up behind me, was the Jewish born Rabbi and Messiah of Christianity and Islam. Every year Jesus Christ celebrated Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. Because today Lindsay Lohan failed her random drug test, it appears that Lindsay Lohan will be doing some more atoning behind bars.

I spoke with Judge Fox about Lindsay Lohan and told her that instead of sending Lindsay Lohan back to jail and rehab, which obviously didn't work, the Holy See is offering to put Lindsay Lohan to work at the Vatican Beekeeping Facility, the 'VBF'. Our investigators have learned that Ms. Lohan has never involved herself with condoms and she loves the sweet nectar of her friend Sam's honey lips.

The Catholic Church is hopeful that if all Christians pray to Mother Teresa, the worker bees will return to their hives. My wife is suffering from a terrible case of hives. This morning she said to me, 'Name Mother Teresa a Saint today so that I can pray to her to get rid of these damned hives or you can call me Mrs. Benedict - Nordegren." If you think that Tiger Woods has money then you don't know me. I own all the bees.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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