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Wednesday, 1 September 2010

I foresee the day when Hollywood, which currently has nothing to offer except warmed over repition, will have to change. Otherwise, moviegoers will wake up and grow weary of the lack of ingenuity and this onslaught of formulaic filmmaking. But I think I may have come up with the greatest, and at the same time the worst, idea that will save the industry.

It's quite simple, really. Instead of making bad films they hope with excessive promotion will do great box office, why not simply make a cheap and horrible remake? Of course, to market such films you would need a "name" actor and one hell of a catch, and this is where the ingenuity comes in: All you need to do miscast the roles. Yes, put actors ill-suited for the role in that role! The best part is, the scripts are already written because their remakes. You won't have to pay a writer nor for rewrites. Just use the old script word for word with as few changes as possible.

This idea is no more lamebrained than making such ill-conceived romps like Space Chimps, Freddy Got Fingered, Waterworld, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Urban Menace, Leprechaun 5, et al. My idea could best be called "Ed Wood on steroids." This is Roger Corman on acid; films that look like they were financed by illegal foodstamp sales! A bad movie that gets such terrible reviews people will come out 9if for no other reason to see if it is as bad as advertised. The selling point is that the film has a recognizable title.

Imagine a Bizarro world of filmmaking, where bad reviews are cherished. These films would be so badly miscast that crowds would flock to them not only to kill two hours of their time, but to have something to bitch about afterward. Isn't that as American as apple pie? We do this with Presidential elections and Super Bowl wagers, so why not with cinema?

Here are a few examples of how this might work. These are ideas I came up with in a couple of hours. Imagine what Hollywood could with months and years of preparation.

Casablanca-Chevy Chase is cast in his first dramatic role, and instead of Sidney Greenstreet and Ingrid Bergman, how about adding Simon Cowell and Ellen Degeneres to the mix? The lack of chemistry between Chase and Degeneres would make this one of the greatest unintentional comedies ever, right up there with I Know Who Killed Me.

Black Snake Moan-Who needs Samuel Jackson and Christina Ricci when you could switch the race elements and cast Abe Vigoda and Monique? Knowing how much Hollywood favors quirkiness, this could spell another Oscar win for Monique.

Gone with the Wind-Here's one that would trigger riots among traditionalists. Clark Gable and Vivian Leigh are replaced by Pauly Shore and Adell Givens. Ashley Wilkes: Jackie Chan, Prissy: Betty White.
The Wizard of Oz-In order to really muck up this movie, a basic change would have to be made: The story would take place on the moon, with Dorothy having traveled there after she got drunk and staggered onto the launching pad at Cape Canaveral. Dorothy: Fran Dreschler; Tin Man: Ice Cube; Lion: Ice-T; Scarecrow: Ricky Shroeder; Toto: Vern Tgroyer; The Wizard: Jon Lovitz; The Good Witch: Kelly Clarkson; The Wicked Witch: Denis Leary in drag.

Some Like It Hot-And some like it in the pot nine days old, which in this case, the emphasis is on the word "old:" Filling in for Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon are Don Amechea and Tommy Chong (who refuses to shave for the role.) In the Sugar Cane Kowalczyk role (played by Marilyn Monroe in the original) is Cloris Leachman. The roles of Spats Colombo and the Detective Mulligan (originally played by George Raft and Pat O'Brien) would be placed in the more than capable hands of Kirk and Michael Douglas.

Brokeback Mountain-Forget the two heartthrob cowboys from the original. This time cast some unsightly fellows in the role of the gay ranchers who give new meaning to the term "cowpoke." My choices-James Gandolfini and Mike Tyson who delivers the altered line, "You are too much for me, Ennis…I wish I knew how to quit you, big fella."

The Silence of the Lambs-Wouldn't it be a hoot seeing Johnny Witherspoon as Hanibal Lecter? That's what I thought! While we're at it, why not throw in Joan Rivers as FBI agent Clarice Starling and Andy Griffith as the doctor who is due to be eaten with fava benas and a nice Chianti?

The African Queen-This time Bogie and Hepburn get the boot in favor of Denis Franz and Roseanne Barr. Soda pop sales at the concession stand would soar as moviegoers would need something to wash the foul taste out of their mouths.

Psycho-Imagine a real psycho (read: Mel Gibson) as Norman Bates and his baby mama (Oksana Gregorieva) as Marion Crane in the role made famous by Janet Leigh? Talk about potential for a snuff film! In a storyline switch, Marion's brother Niles Crane (played by who else? David Hyde Pierce) would replace the role of Sam Loomis. The role of Detective Arbogast would be taken by Eddie Murphy. Lila Crane: Kelly Ripa.

Hustle & Flow-Take a black film and "bleach it," and you have a surefire recipe for disaster! DJ (the pimp): Randy 'Macho Man' Savage; Key (the DJ): Jamie Kennedy; Nola (Key's wife) Meryl Streep; Shug: Adam Lambert; Yevette: Reese Witherspoon. Imagine their version of "Hard Out There For A pimp<" with the macho Man singing lead. Can you say Comedy Award winner/

Planet of The Apes-Forget Charlton Heston, Kim Novak and Roddy McDowell. I'd pay to see Will Forte, Gabourey Sidide and Woody Allen any day. Bill Murray could be cast as the Hunt Leader, and at the end of the film, all the apes would break into a hilarious rendition of Mickey's Monkey (including a cameo by Smokey Robinson.) Dr. Honorius: Tim Roth; Dr. Zaius: Clint Eastwood; President of the Assembly: Michael Clarke Duncan

The Grapes of Wrath-Based on racial stereotyping, this version would feature an all-Hispanic cast. The Joads-Pa, Ma, Grandpa, Grandma, Tom, Noah, Winfield, Uncle John, Al Joad, Ruth, Rose of Sharon, her husband Connie and family friend Casey traverse the U.S. in the year 2009 as out-of-work day laborers. They cross the southwestern United States in a souped up Chevy Kingswood wagon. The films tagline would ask, "Who else would travel 13-deep in a single vehicle to find work?" Pa Joad: James Edward Olmos; Ma Joad: Maria Conchita Alonso; Tom Jpad: George Lopez; Grandpa Joad: Hector Elizondo; Rose of Sharon: Rosie Perez; Casey: Christopher Lloyd.

Rocky-Jason Scott Lee fills the shoes of Sylvester Stallone in this boxing movie known for its unrealistically choreographed fight scenes. And in the spirit of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Animation and live-action commingle, as the role of Rocky's trainer Mickey is "played" by Elmer Fudd! : Adrian: Kathy Kinney; Apollo Creed: John Goodman; Burt: Jody Foster.

Milk-In the worst case of miscasting, Mr. T plays gay rights activist/politician Harvey Milk. That's all you need to know except Robin Williams co-stars as Dan White, and Mr. T delivers the line, "I pity the fool who calls me a fruit!"

A Clockwork Orange-Remember those whacky "droogs" Alex, Pete, Georgie and Dim? Imagine if they were replaced by Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Michael Richards and Wayne Knight. Other casting oddities: Mr Deltoid: Eddie Murphy; the Old Man in the wheelchair: Charlie Murphy; The woman killed with the statue: Julia Louis-Dreyfuss.

Million Dollar Baby-Let Clint Eastwood bitch and moan. In this remake him, Morgan Freeman and Hilary Swank are replaced by Jimmy Walker, Pat Morita and Wanda Sykes.

Shaft-This time Carrot Top (in black face, to generate bad publicity, picketing and thus a strong box office) takes on the role of the "Black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks." Even the theme-song is revamped, as this time it is performed a cappella by Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. Shaft's love interest will be played by Gloria Hendry, who by now must be close to 70 years old.

Ray-The same guys who create the remake of Shaft can't do any worse, so he might want to follow-up with a twisted version of Ray. Only this time black moviegoers are offended when Will Ferrell takes on the title role originally featuring Jamie Foxx. Quincy Jones: George Wallace.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid-Another classic gets butchered when Joe Pesci and Gilbert Gottfried fill-in for Paul Newman and Robert Redford. Etta Place: Lindsay Lohan.

Yankee Doodle Dandy-William Hung gets his first starring vehicle in the Oscar-winning role made famous by James Cagney. Bad singing, worse dancing and a headline grabbing story as George M. Cohan and Jimmy Cagney not only roll over in their graves, but go so far as to show up at the premiere!

Clerks-Shia LeBeouf (as Dante) stars in this remake that attempts to turn the Kevin Smith comedy into a drama. Jay: Sean Penn; Silent Bob: James Earl Jones; Randall: Liam Neeson; Veronica: Meryl Streep.

Don't get excited, folks. These films are not coming to a theater near you any time soon, but there's still hope.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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