Written by Steve Shaw
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Friday, 30 December 2005

You know, I’ve never really given much thought to the future because I’ve always just planned on marrying a movie star and leeching off her my entire life. It’s always seemed like a good deal to me--she gets her power, independence, fame, etc, and I get to sleep in and watch the Spice Channel.

Most men view women’s equality as threatening, but I disagree because I’ve never looked forward to being a man’s man in the sense that I have to go to work everyday and do distasteful things like provide for a family. I’d much rather have a successful wife who works in the supermodel field and is totally cool with my sloth and lethargy. Who wouldn’t want that?

Everyone makes fun of K-Fed (I hate him with a passion) but at the end of the day, he still shares a bed with Brittney Spears, so mad props to him. Do you actually think he does anything during the day? Hell no! What a sweet life. Roughly translated, this is a prime example of hating the player, not the game.

However, it appears that lately my options of foxy celebrity women to hitch my star to are growing slim. Here’s the rundown of women I was going to freeload off of until some misfortune occurred:

JESSICA SIMPSON: Man, I really had a shot there. I knew she wasn’t happy with Nick and I sat by the phone for days when they broke up. Too bad she’s with some other guy now. Looking back I suppose our previous relationship was about anonymous passion and I shouldn’t be surprised she didn’t come immediately calling…she won’t even be my friend on MySpace.

RESSE WITHERSPOON: I was totally down for tying the knot with Reese until recently. I was sitting in her house watching TV when I saw a story about her on CNN that some paparazzi ran her off the road. I was all “Oh, that’s too bad Reese,” when the commentator says “Witherspoon was on the way to pick up her kids” or something like that. Surprised, I’m all like “What the hell? Bitch, you have kids?” and she’s like, “No,” so I’m all “Is that why your jugs were so big last year?” and she comes clean and is all, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you!” and I’m like “Are they mine?” and she’s like “No,” and so I’m all “Screw you then, I’m outta here.” In retrospect, I should have stayed, but since our relationship was built around horrid lies and mistrust I’m not sure how long I would have been king of that castle.

JENNIFER ANISTON: As soon as Brad dumper her, I was on the phone in a flash. She was in tears and of course I consoled her and told her I would always be there. I thought for sure I was in--I was financially secure (and by secure I mean astronomically wealthy) for the rest of my life!--but as of now I have fallen into the friendship trap. Now I only serve as a grader/approver of the other guys she dates. Rats.

DEMI MOORE: Yet another reason to hate Ashton Kutcher. I know, I know, I’m going a little old here, but if you can just block G.I. Jane out of your mind and think about her in A Few Good Men, then you definitely know what I’m talking about. But alas, the old battleship has sailed and left me at port. Goodbye, sweet Demi, I’ll always have the Striptease collector’s edition.

ANGELINA JOLIE: I really hate Brad Pitt. As if taking Jennifer from me wasn’t bad enough, he went and took my option number two as well. Angie and I had a good thing going. Brad, I know you’re reading this, so here's a tip--don't start your car.

MANDY MOORE: She would have been Ms. Mandy Shaw today if she hadn’t become such a B-grade actress. I truly believed she was going to be a star with A Walk to Remember. I saw that movie and said to myself, “There’s a girl for the long haul,” and moved in for the kill. I had to leave her after I saw Chasing Liberty, though. Anyone who makes a movie that bad is headed for celebrity doom and social leprosy. I can’t be a sloth husband under those circumstances.

THE OLSEN TWINS: Man, I had it good with those two. I couldn’t even tell them apart! No big deal though. Eventually I had to leave because I just couldn’t put up with their horrible, horrible movies…that and they got a federal judge and some restraining orders involved in our relationship, but that’s irrelevant really. I think the ball is in my court with these two and it’s only a matter of time now. My odds are better here than anywhere else on the board--a 50/50 chance! Even if they don’t love me right off, as a last resort I could always lure that druggie Mary-Kate into my arms with promises of coke in quantities Scarface couldn’t dream of.

So that’s basically the rundown. Hopefully the next time you see me I’ll be living on easy street. Maybe I’ll toss you a piece of bread or something. If you’re lucky.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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