Written by Nana Raine
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Monday, 16 August 2010

The headship of pupilless primary school 'Capel Iwan' near Newcastle Emlyn in Carmarthenshire was offered today to Mrs. Veronica Smart of Brechfa.

Mrs Smart (52) formally accepted the position and said: 'I can't wait to start work! I very much intend to put my own stamp on the establishment. I'll be implementing some fairly radical changes as well as putting in place some new objectives that should see SAT scores go through the roof.'

When asked if she was aware that 'Capel Iwan' had a predicted pupil count of 'nil' for September 2010 she said: 'If you take a close look at the way education figures are worked out you'll notice that this lack of numbers will make very little difference to our place in the league tables. I also predict that it will have virtually no effect on the day to day running of the school. I think I have the ability to perform exceptionally well in this role regardless of the lack of actual children.'

'I discussed a plan of action with the board of governors during my interview and we are in complete agreement regarding the best way forward.'

'Breakfast club; toddlers playgroup and after school club (all which also have a predicted uptake of zero for 2010) will receive extra funding. We will be employing two additional members of staff, each with a minimum of 'level 3' in childcare. This will ensure that any parents with small children who might move into the area will be impresses by our credentials. Our three year old setting will continue exactly as it is for at least another year because most of the funding for this has already been spent on staff outings, instant frothy coffee and tins of Quality Street.'

Before I go; if anyone knows any three years olds (including those who may be living outside of the catchment area; the county; the country or the European Union) who would like to attend this year, please email me. Preferably before the beginning of the term or failing that, anytime!'

Veronica Smart. MA SEN (SpLD) RSA Dip

Email: strawgrasping@CapelIwan.gov

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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