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Friday, 13 August 2010

image for Excerpt of Interview with Cover Girl Halle Berry, Part One

In-vogue magazine, long a racist bastion of whites-are-superior sensibilities has only had two black women on their cover, since their inception in 1892. The first was Naomi Campbell in 1989, the second is Halle Berry, who will be on the September cover.

Below is an excerpt of In-vogue's interview with Halle Berry.

The November 12, 1859 edition of the New York Times reports of a Rhode Island man who kidnapped a "Mulatto Girl" from her neighborhood and sold her into slavery in Alabama. The man could not be prosecuted because, while slavery was illegal in Rhode Island, the kidnapping statutes only applied to the abduction of people "not of African descent."

Nhoe Blacques, In-vogue Magazine: Thank you for coming.

Halle Berry, Millionaire Academy Award Winning Actress: My pleasure.


Blacques: You're welcome. I'll take an iced tea with lemon.

Berry: You... You'll what?


Blacques: An Iced tea with lemon. Right over there

Berry: Uh... Okay, I don't think so.


Blacques: Oh, Ok. I'd like to speak to your supervisor.

Berry: Lady, I'm supposed to be interviewed today, and...


Blacques: You're Halle Berry?

Berry: Yes.


Blacques: I'm sorry. I was told you were... Nevermind. Ok, let's get started.

Berry: Ok.


Blacques: Tell me about your childhood. Does your mother know your father is?

Berry: Yes, yes she does.


Blacques: Where did he rape her?

Berry: It wasn't rape. How could you say that? My mother met my father while she was a nurse at a hospital in Cleveland.


Blacques: And your father, he was a (snickers) doctor?

Berry: No, actually. He was a janitor.


Blacques: Of course.

Berry: What?


Blacques: Nothing. So, growing up, did you spend a lot of time in juvenile detention?

Berry: No. What are these questions?


Blacques: What? Nothing. I meant no harm. Please don't shiv me.

Berry: Just continue.

...


Blacques: You addressed your struggle with crack addition in the documentary "Losing Isaiah." Did you...

Berry: That wasn't a documentary, I was playing a character!


Blacques: Ok. How did you research your role as a drug addict, by going to a family reunion?

Berry: Look,lady, I am very proud of that role. I got to portray a woman overcoming addiction.


Blacques: You're proud to portray a crackhead.

Berry: I'm proud to...


Blacques: But, a black drug addict? Kinda perpetuates the stereotype, huh?

Berry: I don't play roles that stereotype African-Americans! All of my career choices are driven by my desire to portray African American women in the best possible light.


Blacques: Ok, so what was your role in Jungle Fever?

Berry: A drug accict named Vivian.


Blacques: Lovely. And Strictly Business?

Berry: A club rat.


Blacques: You should be proud. And in The Last Boy Scout?

Berry: A murdered stripper.


Blacques: How wholesome. And in Queen?

Berry: A slave.


Blacques: Father Hood?

Berry: A criminal.


Blacques: What a stretch. And Rich Man's Wife?

Berry: An adulterous wife who shoots her husband.


Blacques: Can't wait to bring the kids. Girl 6?

Berry: Phone sex operator.


Blacques: They should show it in schools. B.A.P.S.?

Berry: A hairdresser who robs an old man.


Blacques: You're a credit to your race. Introducing Dorothy Dandridge?

Berry: A singer who died of a drug overdose.


Blacques: What a stretch. Swordfish?

Berry: High-tech bank robber.


Blacques: Should I even ask about Monster's Ball.

Berry: Probably not.


Blacques: Well, nothing stereotypical in any of those roles, huh?

Berry: I played a science teacher in Race The Sun!


Blacques: Great. Who saw it?

Berry: No one.


Blacques: There you go. Anything else?

Berry: I was a doctor in Gothika.


Blacques: Oh, yes. That's right. Didn't you get into a car accident in one scene?

Berry: Wha... I... what?


Blacques: A car accident. In fact, in that scene, didn't you leave the scene of the accident ?

Berry: I don't... I don't remember.


Blacques: Ms. Berry, have you ever been arrested?

Berry: That isn't relevant, I don't think.


Blacques: Weren't you arrested in 2007 for leaving the scene of an accident.

Berry: I, uh... I... Yes.


Blacques:So, you're really not made of chocolate?

Berry: No, no I'm not.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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