Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Tuesday, 10 August 2010

image for When Jeremy Paxman Met Katie Price Jordan - My Son Harvey

Good evening. In the first of our interviews with leading British celebrities, tonight we're talking here in our London studios to Katie Price. Now, Katie Price, why would anybody want to watch you on television or read about you in the newspapers?

Jeremy Paxman: Hang on, do you mind, you're in the wrong studio…

Katie Price: Wot u talkin bout?

Jeremy Paxman: I'm supposed to be interviewing Katie Price, she's due here now so please leave the studio.

Katie Price: Eh? I am Katie Price.

Jeremy Paxman: No, you're Pete Burns. We're expecting Katie Price.

Katie Price: Like I am soooo Katie Price, I aint Pete Burns innit.

Jeremy Paxman: Hmmmmm, yeeeeeeesss. Are you sure? You do look like Pete Burns?

Katie Price: I'm like so serious right now, I is Jordan.

Jeremy Paxman: Ok, now I am confused. You claim to be Katie Price, you deny being Pete Burns and now you claim to be a Middle Eastern country?

Katie Price: Jordan is my old name - my new name is Katie Price. I changed it 'cos everyone got confused. Peter Andre left me when he heard the Pope had been in Jordan…

Jeremy Paxman: Ok, so you're seriously expecting me to believe that King Abdullah II bin al-Hussein has personally authorised you to change the name of a three millennium old country like Jordan to Katie Price? What the hell is going on here Pete?

Katie Price: Stop callin me Pete you wanka, I am Katie Fucking Price.

Jeremy Paxman: Katie Price? So is that like Asda Price? Or Fisher Price?

Katie Price: Nah, although I'm also mostly plastic, the fact is I'm more expensive.

Jeremy Paxman: Quite. Now Price, I see you have an entourage with you in the studio. Is that really necessary?

Katie Price: Oh that's just my ITV2 camera crew. My period started today so I invited them around to see it. They're doing a 4 show special on it - "Katie Price - The Next Tampon".

Jeremy Paxman: Wait a second, you're saying that for some reason ITV2 is interested in your daily life? What have you done today that's so earth shattering?

Katie Price: Well, I shat a three flusher this afternoon. I bagged it in case ITV2 want to do a mini-series on it.

Jeremy Paxman: And people are actually interested in this garbage?

Katie Price: Yeah but it don't happen by itself does it. I been workin hard all morning tryin to make up a new story about being raped as I haven't been on the front cover of anything for 2 days. I'm leaning towards claiming Stephen Hawkins raped me and that's why Harvey's such a freak. Hello! and Grazi Magazines will love that, I reckon I can sell that shit for at least £200,000. Fact is I have to keep pushing brand Katie and ramming myself down the throats of people.

Jeremy Paxman: Well, that makes a change.

Katie Price: Wot?

Jeremy Paxman: You ramming something down someone elses throat.

Katie Price: You sayin I'm a slag innit?

Jeremy Paxman: You saying you aren't? From my research, you've slept with hundreds of men, you have several children by different fathers and your relationships seem to not only be based on publicity but they never seem to last. Even the papers today say you and your current husband Alex are doomed to failure.

Katie Price: Yeah them papers are always goin on about me and Alex. I can't understand why no-one believes that he will be the man in my life forever. I mean, that ITV2 cameraman behind you has been with me for almost a decade now so I think I've already proven I can be faithful.

Jeremy Paxman: Yes but even your contemporaries claim that it wont last - look at what Kerry Katona has said about you - she said your marriage wont last.

Katie Price: Well, it will last longer than Jade Goodies I can tell you that much.

Jeremy Paxman: What about Madonna?

Katie Price: Wot about her?

Jeremy Paxman: Well, she was apparently 'distressed' to hear your marriage with Peter Andre failed and is concerned that your current marriage is heading the same way. Is there any truth to this?

Katie Price: Well, I ain't never spoken wiv Madge innit but her people called my people and she did ask if she could have first refusal on Harvey.

Jeremy Paxman: You mention Harvey and you have your kids with you now in the studio, which one is Harvey?

Katie Price: Harvey is the one running into the walls over there and sucking on your studio window. You should count yourself lucky in that respect 'cos Harvey's on a diet - the windows in my house are fucking filthy. He really does put the Mong in Humongous. I saw an app on Facebook called "Your Baby" which claims to show how a baby would look if you give them the picture of the two parents.

Jeremy Paxman: It's just a shame then that this app wasn't around when you shagged Dwight Yorke. What's that he's got there?

Katie Price: That's a vuvuzela. I bought him it today.

Jeremy Paxman: Ah I see, his father's a footballer so you bought him something related to the beautiful game?

Katie Price: No, I bought it so when he plays it in the garden he can water the flowers at the same time. That's if I can get him off the computer, he's a little genius - he absolutely licks Windows.

Jeremy Paxman: Yeeeeeeeess. Now, apart from selling your soul in the newspapers, prostituting your children as commodities and bargaining chips and sleeping your way around the world - what is it that you actually do? Surely you can't be a multi-millionaire for just that?

Katie Price: Well yes you can but actually, I'm an entrepreneur.

Jeremy Paxman: You're an entrepreneur. Really.

Katie Price: Yes really.

Jeremy Paxman: You're seriously suggesting to our viewers that you, Katie Price, are an entrepreneur?

Katie Price: Yep. And a singer. And a writer.

Jeremy Paxman: And a comedienne?

Katie Price: Piss of you sarcastic twat, I'm all of them things.

Jeremy Paxman: Ok, so you're an entrepreneur, a writer and a singer. Let's start with the first one then, how on god's earth are you an entrepreneur?

Katie Price: Well, I have created my own Katie Price Rape Alarms.

Jeremy Paxman: A Katie Price rape Alarm? How's that work and how much does it cost?

Katie Price: Well, you can buy it for £29.99 from my website and it's basically a First Class Stamp and a personalised letter to The Sun claiming you've been raped.

Jeremy Paxman: So you have a website?

Katie Price: Yeah, I'm big into the internet.

Jeremy Paxman: As in adult sites, webcams and such?

Katie Price: No as in proper business. For example, I just launched a social networking site for parents with disabled children.

Jeremy Paxman: What's it called?

Katie Price: MySpaz.com

Jeremy Paxman: So what other entrepreneurial activities are you involved in?

Katie Price: Well I got me perfumes innit. I got a new one comin out next month that smells like my minge called "Skank" and right now I'm busy movin into sports products.

Jeremy Paxman: Sports products? Like what exactly?

Katie Price: Well, I've gotten a mould of my vagina and I'm gonna make basketball hoops. Talkin of sport, I bumped into Boris Becker today and he was going on and on about them two tennis players who were involved in some marathon game at Wimbldeon or something that broke hundreds of records including the most balls hit in a day. I had to pull him up on that one because my chin still holds that title. I'm also gonna make a cricket box.

Jeremy Paxman: A cricket box? What's that?

Katie Price: It's a piece of cheap plastic which men put their genitals in.

Jeremy Paxman: And the penny drops. Ok, you mentioned you're a writer. Who's your publisher?

Katie Price: Random House.

Jeremy Paxman: Oh that makes sense…

Katie Price: Why?

Jeremy Paxman: Well that's where you spend most of your weekends isn't it? What's your next book?

Katie Price: I got a new book about all the men I've slept with.

Jeremy Paxman: Has it got a title yet?

Katie Price: Course. It's called the Yellow Pages innit.

Jeremy Paxman: Well I got your autobiography…

Katie Price: And what did you fink of it?

Jeremy Paxman: Well it was actually not as bad as I thought. But I still think Andrex is more comfortable. Anyway, you claim you're a singer too? I thought your last single was a massive flop?

Katie Price: Well, yeah but I got a follow up single coming out next week which is a cover of Barbie Girl by Aqua. It goes sumthin like this "I'm a barbie Girl in a Barbie world, tits are plastic, son's a spastic. He can't comb his hair, he dribbles everywhere. He's fantastic, little spastic. Come on Harvey lets go party! Come on Harvey lets go party!

Jeremy Paxman: Well, I think you're definitely onto a winner there, you could have made the mistake of doing a cover version of "Like a Virgin". By the sounds of it, you're a busy woman. What do you do to relax?

Katie Price: Well I like to get away on holiday with just me, the kids and my film crew. I'm driving up to Cumbria at the weekend as I hear it's a great place to get a load shot in your face. Talking of driving, I was driving my car on the way to this interview today and when I looked in my mirror I saw a terrible accident behind me…

Jeremy Paxman: A terrible accident? What was it?

Katie Price: Oh nothing, it was just Harvey. I am scared of car crashes though.

Jeremy Paxman: Oh that's right isn't it, you once said "My death might be a Diana moment"?

Katie Price: Yes but actually, when I think about getting rammed in a tunnel - I think my whole life has been a Diana moment hasn't it?

Jeremy Paxman: Yes and what a waste of a Mercedes that would be anyway. Yet you still claim you are not a slag?

Katie Price: No I aint.

Jeremy Paxman: Admit it, you're an utter slag. Even Labour only fucked half the country…

Katie Price: I isn't a slag.

Jeremy Paxman: Katie Price, I put it to you that you are a skank whore. Yes or no.

Katie Price: No.

Jeremy Paxman: No you're not a skank or no you're not a whore?

Katie Price: Neither innit.

Jeremy Paxman: Katie, it's clearly irrefutable that you are a slag. Even the FBI contacted this programme today because they're building a massive global DNA database and they wanted us to ask your vagina if it would help them. Slag. Admit it…

Katie Price: I know everyone sees me as a slag (well except Harvey but he don't see much to be honest) but it aint my fault my vagina's the same size as my tits is it? I've only had 10 lovers.

Jeremy Paxman: How do you work that out?

Katie Price: I've counted them on me fingers.

Jeremy Paxman: You're a dimwit Price - you only have 10 fingers.

Katie Price: Shit. I thought 10 was a bit small.

Jeremey Paxman: Wouldn't Peter Andre agree you're a slag?

Katie Price: No, I saw Peter today actually, he came round this afternoon to collect the rest of his belongings from this shed.

Jeremy Paxman: And what did he have to say?

Katie Price: He said "what about this spanner?" so I told him yeah; he could take Harvey no problem. Talking of the google eyed ball wonder, me and Alex would probably really miss him if he went to Peter's. There's nothing funnier than watching the cod eyed gimp walking into walls or seein his reaction when me and Alex move all the furniture around to freak him out. He does piss me off though, he keeps asking to be fed, played with, paid attention to and stuff. He's such a little whiner.

Jeremy Paxman: You mention Alex, the dress wearing husband of yours. What are the next steps with him?

Katie Price: Well, we had a story last week about us being over, we'll put one out next month about our sex life, we'll break up again in October and then it's only about 8 more months after that till we can justify renewing our wedding vows again and make another few million. The public can't get enough, I'm a national treasure.

Jeremy Paxman: Yeeeesss, indeed. More like a national lottery, everyone's had a go. All this constant media train, do you ever get time to just sit down with your kids and do something simple like watch TV?

Katie Price: Yeah, course. I watched the news the other night about that Frenchwoman who killed her babies.

Jeremy Paxman: And what did you take from that?

Katie Price: Well watch my show on ITV2 next week - "Katie Price - The Next Chapter" I'm taking Harvey on a surprise holiday to France.

Jeremy Paxman: And on that bombshell our time is up. Katie Price, thank you, it's been excruciating.

Katie Price: What's that mean then?

Jeremy Paxman: Just get your coat. And take that gigantic fucking kid with you.

So that's it, next week I'll be interviewing Jack Tweedy. Well, that's as long as he isn't out raping.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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