Written by C. Cranium
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Tuesday, 10 August 2010

image for Trials of a Down East Vacation Buy back your confiscated Swiss Army knife in Maine.

Reporting from the State of Maine. To get to Maine from Boston you must drive north on interstate 95. On the way stop in New Hampshire and pick up some bargain liquor. At least it seems to be bargain liquor prices until you add in the road tolls that subsidize the State Liquor Store. It may end up costing the same as at home, but you will be stocked up for the stay.

In the interest of keeping traffic moving, and to get in and out of New Hampshire as quick as possible, I recommend that they get rid of the tolls and jack up the liquor prices.

Moving north through the beautiful State of Maine we landed in China. Logically you would think digging straight down would be the closest route to China, but there is an auxiliary location named China, Maine. And it has its own China Wall.

China, Maine probably isn't on your normal route for a fun theme park vacation. It is more like a nostalgic destination where a dip in the lake and soft cone, available in twenty-four flavors, makes your day. China is on a lake and far inland from the LL Bean crowd, and here they have reason to wear LL Bean Boots in high and low tops. There may be a fru fru coffee stand but I didn't see one. You got to go to town for a flavorchino with vente shots.

Despite rumors to the contrary the people of China, Maine are not Chinese Americans. No they are mostly Italian Americans as evidenced by the existence of more than one pizza parlor, and the larger than normal pasta section in their biggest grocery store. Nope all the Chinese Americans are up in Norway, Maine where they have even more pizza parlors. Go figure.

Those addicted to Mexican fare will have difficulty finding tortilla chips, a major food group, in the Maine grocery health food / chips isle. There is a two-foot selection on the bottom shelf, compared with your average LA Ralph's that has forty-two feet of fully stocked Tortilla Chips. They have the stuff; you just have to work harder to find it.

Vacationers will love the wealth of activities for adults and children alike. For kids there is farm camp, woods/wilderness camp, and normal girl/boy scout kind of camps. Farm camp is by far the best because the kids get their own cow for a week. None of this wimpy forty-five minutes of archery on Wednesday, no, sloshing around in manure is the real deal. For Dads there is bass fishing, and oh yea, did I mention bass fishing. For Moms there is plenty of Antiquing, and prices are good. You know all those trucks that drive into Seattle full of Antiques - they probably stopped off in Maine.

The best kept secret and deal is also available at the Maine antique store. Locals somehow have some sort of agreement with CSA where they get all the confiscated pocketknives, finger nail clippers, letter openers, etc. and sell them back to you.

Email or call State of Maine Funny town names vacation spots - mainehoax.web or 888-LOBSTER.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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