Written by Captain Dopey

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Monday, 28 November 2005

image for Queen Suggests Settling Things Over 15 Rounds The Queen Pictured Yesterday in Full Kevlar Body Armour with Flame Thrower Accessory

Recent reports stating that the second-in-command of Osama bin Laden's “Al Qaeda", the so-called “international terrorist group dedicated to opposing non-Islamic governments with force and violence" has made the Queen of the whole of Britain a target for terrorist attacks have drawn a surprising response from Buckingham Place, London today, after days of silence, reports our special independent UK correspondent, Takazi al Tikrit.

Previously unseen footage from a video message, parts of which were broadcast on the as yet unbombed Al -Jazeera satellite channel in September, shows Ayman al-Zawahiri sitting naked in a badly finished Jacuzzi wearing cheap sunglasses and clutching a damp glossy magazine calling the Queen "one of the severest threats to Islam". Arabic voices in the background are heard saying “go for it Ayman give em hell”. The UK MI5 security service alerted Palace security (Sir Reginald Fitztightly) to the threat after studying a full version of the video in a pub and advised the Queen to take extra precautions. These precautions are believed to include varying her toilet schedules, the hiring of two unconvincing look-alikes, a new armoured Queen Dress and the purchase of a $1.5m combat mode ReginaMobile.

In the video, al-Zawahiri warbles on unconvincingly about the Queen being responsible for the UK's "crusader laws" and for being an enemy of all Muslims. He also warns Britain's Islamic leaders not to "work for the pleasure of Elizabeth, the head of the Church of England". Those who followed her, he said, were essentially saying: “ we just want to live our lives and have a reasonably violence free time”, which was completely contrary to the aims of his organisation and those who follow it.

Al-Zawahiri, an Egyptian, is an adviser to Bin Laden and, according to the FBI, is thought to be in Afghanistan, although other reports circulating place him on a volcanic Island in the South Pacific, developing nuclear and chemical weapons capabilities within a spin-off organisation known as SMERSH and the owner of a large overweight white cat. He has been indicted for his alleged role in the 1998 bombings of US embassies in Tanzania and Kenya, his terrible dress sense and shoplifting charges dating back to 1983 based upon incidents in a Monaco branch of Armani and is on the FBI's most-wanted list, with a $25m (£14.3m) reward for information leading to arrest or conviction and 50 bucks for hearsay. He is also believed to have internet based gambling debts of between $5 - 7m playing under the Handle “Jihad Guy”.
Al-Qaeda issued the video after the July 7th attacks in London and used it to justify the bombings. In the Middle East. It can be seen on secure jihadist websites, and in Britain the film has been posted on the Wajdeed website, run by the London-based psychopath Muhammad al-Guttari. It opens for public viewing in Leicester Square on December 21st and has already been nominated for 2 “Golden Martyr Awards” by the satirical and controversial Syrian based film and video review organisation “How Many Virgins Did You Say I Will Get?”

MI5 has asked the government for more funds to recruit hundreds more staff to combat terrorism. Funds were also increased last year to recruit 1,000 staff. MI5's budget, an official secret, but actually not a secret at all, is believed to be between £20m and £1,340,300m.

Buckingham Palace issued a statement earlier this week saying that the Queen had offered to “settle this once and for all” with either Mr Al-Zawahiri or “that awful chap” Mr. Bem Lidden (sic) over a 15 round bareknuckle bout at a neutral venue. “These people seem to have been doing some rather nasty things around the world and I shall be happy to see them orf in a straight fight at a time and place of their choosing, between 16:00 and 20:00 hrs on Christmas Day in Geneva, Switzerland”, the Queen is reported to have said. “About 200 million euros in a Swiss account and a non-aggression pact is on offer….take it or leave it boys it’s my only offer”, was stated according to a Reuters correspondent, forced to be present at a grouse moor in Scotland, where the British Royal family had been partaking of their annual culling of deer and eagles using Uzis and bespoke hand built Czech lightweight RPG’s.
The Queen was today believed to be doing a little preparatory light sparring with trainer Jimmy “SkullCrusher” Johnstone “get yer fuckin fists UP woman” in a Glasgow gym and some roadwork, reputedly no more than she usually partakes in around November.

No response to the offer has been reported from any Islamist based organisation, but reporters for German based Der Stern newspaper have mentioned discussions with groups in Karachi who mentioned that this could be “the big one” and “what we have been waiting for”. Sources close to UK boxing promoter Frank Warren and publicist Max Clifford were asked about their alleged involvement in the – Global Sporting Event With a Twist! - and the words “Bears”, “Woods”, “Pope” and “Catholic” were mentioned.

The only previous record of a UK monarch engaging in unarmed combat with aggressors intent on threatening The Realm was a reputed two day name calling and insults contest between King Harold of England and William The Conqueror in 1064 on Romney Marsh. The outcome was a draw and the rest is history.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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